acquired lots of negative karma my soul was reborn in a lower form of life. I had calculated my nastiness precisely to achieve this aim. The mathematics of evil are complex but I was a Pythagorean and knew exactly what the square of hypocrisy is worth3.
“I was reborn as a humble plant, a simple herbaceous biennial growing along a riverbank, just one among many other kinds of flora in the region. The sun shone on my lacy triangular leaves, the wind combed spiderwebs out of my little white flowers, clustered in umbels as they were, songs both dire and lovely were sung to me by frogs and birds, other pastoral things occurred involving shepherdesses and pan-pipes. The situation was utopian.
“This was the second stage of my solution. I was a good plant and committed no crime against nature, and so it was clear my karma points would be replenished and that after death I might expect rebirth as a human being. Over a period of centuries transmigration is a jerky process, a soul being knocked down the ladder of evolution, then getting back up, only to be knocked down again, and so on. Progress around the cosmic playing board is rarely smooth.”
“You make it sound like a game of backgammon,” commented Frothing Harris, “with a soul as the solitary piece that keeps getting captured and sent to the bar until it can re-enter when the roll of dice is favourable.”
Castor considered his words. “Sent to the bar,” he echoed. Then he nodded and added, “The next time it happens, make mine a double whisky. With a beer on the side. Now where was I? Yes, I was a good plant. I had an earthy odour reminiscent of mice or parsnips, which is what first led me to suspect they are related in some way, and that’s also a hint as to what kind of plant I was. Shall I give you another clue? The lower half of my stem was streaked with red or purple. Does that help? Well, I was often mistaken for fennel, parsley or wild carrot. I contained several alkaloids including coniine, conhydrine, pseudoconhydrine and atropine. Conium maculatum was my Latin name.”
“I’m not a botanist,” glumly stated Paddy Deluxe.
“Nor I,” admitted Frothing Harris.
“No matter. The day of my death was pleasant and sunny. I had saturated my inside with my favourite drink of rain from a pre-dawn shower and now I was ready for a busy schedule of photosynthesis combined with supporting the weight of resting butterflies and the larvae of the silver-ground carpet moth. But suddenly my existence was cut short by a thumb and five fingers. Yes, I was brutally plucked from the ground by a hairy hand! I later learned what happened to my body but at the time I knew nothing, because my soul was already drifting upwards in search of a new rebirth venue. It found one quickly enough. That’s one of the things souls do best.
“My poor body was carried in a sack to a workroom in the cellar of a house. First my leaves were plucked from my stems one at a time and cast into a stone mortar, and then a heavy bronze pestle mashed my remains to pulp. Water was added until I became a solution. I was poured into a glass bottle, sealed with a cork and shaken, and finally balanced on a high shelf in a cool alcove. There I remained for many years while my soul grew and matured in a new body. Because I had been a good plant, accumulating lots of positive karma, I was reborn as a human being. I was back to the man stage!”
“How can a plant be good or bad?” protested Paddy Deluxe.
“They can’t steal or cheat or lie,” added Frothing Harris.
Castor Jenkins rolled his eyes in mild exasperation. “It’s a question of attitude. When I was a plant I had a fine attitude, very diplomatic and easy going, utterly at peace with my environment and neighbouring vegetation, respectful of passing insect life, even well disposed towards worms and fungus. I earned my right to be reincarnated as a human the hard way. And what a magnificent human I became! I started as a promising baby and never looked back! In my youth I was curious about everything, a real sponge for knowledge, but I was disturbed by the way the world kept changing. I wondered how I might trust a universe that simply wasn’t stable. So I looked for certainty in mathematics and logic and other abstract systems of thought.
“In other words I turned into a philosopher, a rationalist, a teacher of the young people in the city where I dwelled. And while I lived in this fashion, debating in the public squares, going to symposia, that bottle full of the juice of my previous body stood patiently on its shelf, waiting for the moment when it would serve another purpose, a purpose devised by that evil Pythagorean so many years earlier. I was oblivious to this fact, unaware of the schemes of my former self, but I doubt that knowing would have made a difference; I was too committed to wisdom for its own sake and I continued teaching.
“Athens was a glorious city at that time but constantly threatened by external powers and internal dissent. The last thing its rulers wanted was a maverick wise man, a radical sage, agitating the people and opening up their minds. I was arrested and condemned to death for impiety. The year was 399 BC. An executioner was chosen to descend into the cellar of a particular house and fetch a bottle from a shelf. Yes, it’s true. In Ancient Athens condemned prisoners were compelled to drink hemlock. That was the species of plant I had once been! I was plucked by the herbalist who was employed to make poisons for the authorities and in the official judicial repository I had lingered.”
“You were Socrates!” exclaimed Paddy Deluxe.
Castor inclined his head. “I don’t like to brag, it’s a very inelegant thing to do, but you’re right, I once was Socrates, the wisest philosopher of olden times. I’ll tell you about my final moments, if you like, but first allow me to point out that I was wise only in the sense that I knew I knew nothing. That’s what I always claimed, but paradoxes like that annoyed the prominent Athenians and turned them against me. I was also suspected of being a potential traitor. It’s true I opposed democracy and saw much to admire in the tougher Spartan system, but my loyalty to Athens was unwavering. The trial was a farce but I accepted my fate philosophically. As a philosopher, what else could I do?
“Trials in Ancient Athens were different from what they are in modern Wales. There were no judges: the jury was supreme. To ensure fairness, juries were huge, 501 men were present to decide my case. After I made a speech in my defence and the prosecutor, a chap named Meletus, made a speech against me, the jury voted on my guilt. This didn’t go in my favour, 280-221 was the outcome. Oh dear! But what would the sentence be? Our custom was for defendant and prosecutor to each suggest a penalty. I proposed a fine of 30 minae (about £1886 in today’s money4) and Meletus proposed death. Another vote was taken and the result was 360-141 in favour of death. Charming!
“But the truth is that I contributed to my own martyrdom every step of the way. I could have resigned from philosophy and avoided the trial. Even in prison I had a chance to escape: my friends bribed the guards but I refused to go. I did everything in my power to ensure my execution. My followers assumed this was because of my superior moral courage, my desire to live within the rule of law, my disdain for earthly experience. Even I was unaware that I was really paying for other crimes, crimes not mentioned at my trial, crimes in my past, that were committed in my previous life as a wicked Pythagorean, and that the death sentence was his justice rather than the justice of the state.”
“Did drinking the hemlock hurt?” asked Frothing Harris.
“It wasn’t a comforting beverage,” said Castor in a quiet voice, “unlike beer or whisky, but I can’t say there was unbearable pain. I drank the bowl dry and then walked around a bit. Plato was there, a close friend, a bit humourless but not a bad sort, and when I felt suddenly weak he helped me to lie down on a pallet. Then the executioner came and pinched my foot, asking me if I could feel anything. ‘No,’ I answered. He pinched my legs at regular intervals up to my thighs. ‘Still nothing,’ I remarked. He nodded and said, ‘When the numbness
