What every boy should know
Dr. Jan van Elfen
Tafelberg
Preface
Dr Jan van Elfen has guided countless South African teenagers through their stormy adolescent years and his name has become synonymous with becoming, and being, a teenager.
The need for guidance has increased with the passing of time and as our world becomes increasingly complex and demanding.
Young boys and men need his trusted voice more than ever.
Which is why this updated edition of Dr van Elfen’s guide for teenagers is being published. It contains additional and new facts and advice based on information sourced from the World Health Organisation, the Centre for Applied Legal Studies, the Medical Research Council and Health24.com.
But the essence of Dr van Elfen’s steadying hand remains.
Everything is different
You just don’t know yourself any more. You feel and look so different from a few years ago, it’s almost as if you’ve become a stranger to yourself. What is going on with you?
It feels as if your family doesn’t care about you any more, as if you’re just a nuisance. And everybody else is so irritating! Your little sister is a pest: “I’m going to tell Mom you didn’t do your homework.” Brat! And when your mom isn’t moaning about your music being too loud or your room being a mess, you have to help in the kitchen. No wonder you feel this way!
But none of this bothers you as much as how moody you feel. Just when you’re chilling out thinking about something, your thoughts veer off in another direction. You wonder suddenly with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach whether your long legs will always be this skinny.
And you worry when you get bad marks in a test. Sometimes the future looks so bleak, you doubt whether there’s anything good to look forward to at all.
At times you feel wonderfully mature and independent, convinced that you can make your own decisions. Then you just want your mom to chat to you and reassure you. Or you wish your dad would ask you to play cricket on the lawn. It feels strange to be somewhere between a child and an adult.
School used to be nice. Now you get tired just thinking about your homework. In class your thoughts wander continually. At home you get irritated when your mom asks you to help around the house. “You’re giving me all the work!” you snap before you can stop yourself. You feel like everybody’s slave, as if nobody recognises or appreciates you for the person you are.
You’re a confusion of enthusiasm and doubt, of friendliness and grouchiness, of laughter and sulkiness.
You struggle with different thoughts. You’re always wondering: “What kind of person am I? Will girls be interested in me? Will I find a job one day? What sort of job will it be? Will I be good at my work? Will people think I’m worth something?”
A lot of the time you think about nothing at all. Why bother? It’s as if time has stopped. Sometimes you wonder if you’re not going a bit mad.
But while your head is playing games, it’s your body that bugs you most. Sometimes you’re clumsy. And why do you always feel tired? In the mornings you can hardly open your eyes and get out of bed, and when you do, it’s normally on the wrong side!
Sometimes you feel ashamed about being so bad tempered, especially towards your family. You know you should be grateful for everything your family does for you, but you can’t seem to stop yourself from being rude to them.
Alone in your room you remember the times when Mom tucked you in on a chilly night. And how Dad used to read to you and scare you with his ghost stories. Sometimes you claimed you were too frightened to be left alone – just so your time together wouldn’t end.
You know you should be happy that you have parents, or family, to live with, who care about you. You decide to be less moody. You’ll think before you speak. But no sooner have you decided this than rebellious thoughts start up again: “I won’t try to be Mommy’s little darling. I can’t help feeling the way I do.” And why should you bother? You’ll suffer anyway: “I warned you to study more!”
You never asked to be born and you don’t owe anyone anything. This moaning and preaching makes you sick! Come to think of it, it’s funny, but your parents and the other oldies have changed as well. Just look at the men’s fat stomachs! And the women all look like somebody’s old aunt. Sometimes you’re ashamed to be seen with them.
Speaking of appearances, what have you got to wear? All your clothes are so old fashioned. You really need some new gear – with labels.
At school you’re insecure and ill at ease. You get the feeling that some of the teachers don’t like you any more. And you can’t understand why your favourite teacher made a fool of you in class the other day.
And they shouldn’t expect you to take part in the school concert, either. You’re no longer the cute little boy who played a tree in the school concert. You’d die if you had to get up on the stage. Anyway, people would see nothing but your skinny legs.
Even the bell for break doesn’t make you as happy as before. What happened to the games you used to play – kicking a ball or just running around? Now the guys just stand around in groups, perhaps talking about smoking behind the bicycle sheds.
And what has happened to Rob? You were best friends for years – since you started the gang. You used to share all your secrets and you had such a great time together. Nowadays, Rob looks right through you. Must be because his dad has bought a new car. Or is it because he’s allowed to stay out later than you?
Why do you feel trapped, like a chrysalis in a cocoon? That’s a good description. You’re a lot like a chrysalis metamorphosing – a caterpillar growing wings. What has caused this change?
Without noticing, you’ve become a TEENAGER – that strange being with the grand name “adolescent”. You’re no longer a child, but not yet an adult. You’ve reached a new phase, a transitional stage, in your life. You’ve dreamt about and looked forward to these years of change. But now they’re here, you’re petrified, like a mountaineer suffering from a fear of heights when he’s almost at the peak.
Suddenly, lots of things scare you and make you feel insecure. On the one hand, you’ll get a new identity as a teenager. You’ve noticed that adults don’t always understand teenagers and like to criticise them. But for you there’s no choice – you have to go through this stage. On the other hand, you’re looking forward to the new adventure.
Now that you’re a teenager, you’ve noticed that your body keeps changing. You start to worry. Will your body develop normally? Will your voice ever become deep like a man’s and the fluff on your chin harden to a beard? Will you develop strong muscles and a six-pack? Will you grow tall or stay short? You keep worrying.
Just remember that you are unique. No one else looks or feels exactly like you. There is no need to be anxious about adolescence. The older you get, the more you’ll realise that you’re enjoying it.
Adolescence is the transition from puberty (the first signs of manhood) to physical and emotional maturity. Just remember that your development during this time isn’t restricted to your body. You will also become more self-confident by the day as you grow wiser and develop better control over your emotions.
