Ever.” I used to think how awesome it was that you can give a card and gifts for no reason, other than it being the fourteenth day of February. You didn’t have to be good or do good to be part of it. You could just be you. Show someone some love and you would have a happy day.
Dirk slept with Eva.
“You need to talk to him, Kari. Find out what the fuck,” Di said softly when I was finally quiet.
“I can’t. I don’t have words for him. I always said I would leave if he did this to me. Straight away, no talking. I don’t have kids to think about and all that crap.” I took the last gulp of the wine in my glass. Medicinal. Sour in my mouth.
Di’s face tightened just a little bit and then she said, “Yeah, kids make it different. Then it doesn’t hurt at all when your husband fucks someone else. Makes it easy to forgive.”
“Ag, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I just feel so stupid. I didn’t think it could ever happen to me. And if it did, I figured I would just leave.” I tried to make it better. Di didn’t really need reminders.
She shrugged. “That’s how it is,” she said. “That is exactly how it is. No woman ever thinks it will be her. But you are right, you know. You don’t have kids waiting for you, so stay here as long as you want, until you are ready to talk or figure out what you are going to do. I’ll fix the guest room quickly, if you want it. Alan is still sleeping in there but he can have the settee in the playroom.”
“Okay, thanks, maybe I will stay. I just need to think a little bit.” I was grateful to her for some plan I didn’t have to think of.
“You can still decide, but Kari,” Di was straightforward as always, “you look and smell like crap, so please clean up before Alan and the girls get home? I don’t care what Alan thinks but the girls are just getting better. We can tell them your house has bugs or something and they’ll be fine with that, but they’ll worry if they see you so messed up. They’ve seen enough of messed up in this house.”
That’s Di. She always just gets on with it and makes everyone else get on with it too. Earlier I could run and I could drive, but right at that moment I just couldn’t fucking move, wet bum and all. So Di did it for me. Got my bag with the unused yoga clothes out of my car. Nice clean clothes would help, she said, as she busied about getting the guest room ready, putting the shower on and pushing me under the water. I stood there for the longest time, just standing. Until Di came and got me out. Do this, do that. As if she knew I couldn’t figure out what came next.
Dirk and Eva. That was what my brain was trying to figure out. Never mind closing the tap. Getting out of the shower.
Standing in one of Di’s guest towels, waiting for the next instruction from her, I watched Di pick up some of Alan’s clothes that were folded on a chair next to the neat double bed. A year ago Di had raged and roared at Alan, and now here I was and I couldn’t rage and roar. All I seemed to be able to do was run and cry. Pathetic. The end of the worst Valentine’s ever. It was Ground Goddamn Zero.
3
There I was in Di’s guest bathroom, dripping wet, broken-hearted, naked, and with alcohol in my veins when my phone started up again. Buzzing buzzing buzzing. I imagined it was Dirk. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Fucking phone Eva, why don’t you? I wanted to scream. But Di went to look at it and handed the phone to me. “Do you want to answer it? It’s not Dirk.”
10:05 PM Dhanyal Home the screen flashed.
Now? Ten years. No brother or home has lit up any screen of mine for ten years.
“Dhanyal?” I said, holding the phone against my wet face. Was it really him?
“Salaam, Karima. Listen, something’s happened here tonight.” Dhanyal’s voice was clear and calm and direct. “I was still at the surgery when Shireen phoned to say she thinks Ouma had a heart attack. Ouma is dead, Karima. Mama fell down the stairs when she saw Ouma lying on the floor so Mama hurt herself also. She can’t walk but she is fine. Anyway, Mama said I must phone to say you must come tonight still. The janazah will only be in the morning but the washer ladies are coming soon so you must come help wash the body. You are the only granddaughter, so Mama says you must come.”
Dhanyal waited just a second or two before he asked, “Karima?”
Is it really Dhanyal? My brain on repeat. It wouldn’t even go to the Ouma is dead part.
“Karima!” Louder now. “Mama says you must come.” As a doctor, being patient was clearly never going to be his thing. As always, he talked first and listened only to hear if I got the instruction. From the blankness in my brain the prayer came out my mouth.
“Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un.”
Seriously. No jokes. How the hell did that happen? Ten years away and I had no words, no thoughts, no clothes even. Just the prayer I had learned at madrasah. Where had it been hiding? Where did that prayer live that it could just come out like that? But all I had was that prayer; it was the only thing I had to say.
It’s not supposed to be like this! I wanted to shout it out. Even now, hours later, I want to shout it out. Ouma started the Valentine’s Day thing for me. Probably the only Muslim granny anywhere who sends – used to send – Valentine’s cards to her granddaughter every single year. You are my Valentine forever, my girlie. I love you! she would write, and laugh at my mother’s mouth squashed into a very un-Valentine’s stripe. It’s just for the fun, Amina! And for the love, for the love. Don’t forget! she’d say. When Rafiq, my boyfriend from down the road, got in on the act, he and Ouma would laugh and plot Valentine’s while the rest of us rolled our eyes. I always rolled my eyes, but I always loved it and they always knew. It’s just for the love, for the love, Karima!
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Ouma wouldn’t want it to be like this. V-Day was already as VeryFuckingAwful as it could be. I was ready for it to end, to cry myself to sleep in Di’s guest bed. But this was V-Day Ground Double Zero.
Even with the shouting in my head, I knew I would go home to help the washers prepare her body for the funeral in the morning. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un. Surely we belong to God and to Him shall we return. It’s just for the love, for the love, Karima! I heard her laughing. In the same way I knew that prayer, I already knew I would go home.
“Yes, Dhanyal. Tell Mama I will come.”
“Okay, good. I must go, there are things to do,” Dhanyal said. He was not done yet. “There are a lot of people here already so better to come alone. And wear a scarf at least.” He didn’t wait for me to agree. It was already the longest day in the history of humankind anywhere on the face of the planet. In the universe. Had to be. And clearly it was just the beginning.
It was as if that prayer snapped the on-switch in my brain. Dirk slept with Eva. Ouma was dead. I had to go home and see everyone, see Mama, for the first time in ten years.
Ten whole years since I ran away from them all.
As usual, whenever my world goes pear-shaped, I focus on the most important thing. The most important thing was obvious: yoga clothes were not going to cut it.
I knew not everyone would get it. “Are you serious?” Di said when I stuttered that I had nothing that was right to wear. How can your clothes be such a big deal? Your husband is a bastard and your gran is dead. Oh, and now your mother wants
