drink. When he finally climbed the stairs, he peeked into Abby’s room, knowing he would find the two of them together, Abby, forgiving in sleep, curled up in Jennifer’s arms.
They both looked young and fragile like that. He remembered the months when Jennifer was pregnant with Abby. How hellish and heartbreaking it had been at home, but also how he and Jennifer had come together under all of that pressure and judgment and committed to making a home for their child. She had been so scared and told him how much she needed him. And it had felt so good to be needed, to be able to fix something. To be the one who could soothe her in the night, his arms strong around her, her forehead pressed tightly into his chest, breathing in her clean scent.
That scent was how he fell for her in the first place. She smelled of soap, not passion fruit or eucalyptus or roses, just plain old bar soap. It was what had disarmed him against her other womanly charms. The ones a married man knew to watch out for, at least a man not looking to ruin his life: too much leg or breast exposed, long hair, and longer eyelashes. But her scent was so clean and good. Virtuous. He just couldn’t get enough of it. And when he’d first been with her and she would come fresh out of the shower, her face bare and glowing and her hair all piled up in a towel exposing that expanse of skin between her shoulder blades and up to the nape of her neck, he was intoxicated. That smell could right the world’s wrongs. And it caused a number of them as well.
It had been such a heady time when they were first together. He thought that even then he knew there was no coming back from the infidelity, even if Jennifer hadn’t gotten pregnant. She offered him something that Cynthia couldn’t ever have. Cynthia was too focused, too confident, and too strong. She could live without him and he’d known that even before she had had to prove it. He had resented her for it. It was never really that she was successful at what she did, no matter what people thought. He had never wanted her to be less. He loved her and was so proud of her for all she was and what she’d done, but somehow in comparison he’d always felt less. Then Jennifer had come along, so beautiful and smart, though she didn’t know it, so young and seductive and in love with him. It had made him feel strong and like a real man, if not a good one. He knew the first time he asked her for a drink after work that he had crossed a line, and he knew that to risk all he had with Cynthia was both unthinkable and inevitable, because a man never feels more powerful, more godlike than when actively destroying his own life. He had called it “living.” Being with Jennifer had made him feel alive, so he dove in, hoping in his way that it would all work out in the end.
And maybe it had. But when he’d first heard about the baby, he had been devastated. His love for Cynthia was not something that had ever been in question, not even now. He had been bored and felt neglected, and on the surface was a little jealous of the attention she was getting for her work, the time it was demanding of her. His affair, as exciting, lusty, and erotic as it was, was always supposed to come to an end. Even when the fear that his actions would be the undoing of his life with Cynthia and the kids became a reality, he still could not face it. And when Jennifer had told him she wanted to keep the baby, the first thing he had said to her was that he wished she wouldn’t.
It was something he regretted the first time he saw Abby’s heart beating on a monitor at the hospital, and something he had not been able to forget or forgive himself for since. That moment, his first introduction to his little girl, was also the moment he knew whatever the cost to him, and so heartbreakingly to those around him, he would spend the rest of his life making it up to her. Even at the expense of his marriage, even if it meant hurting his other children, the ones he had welcomed from the beginning.
He’d stood by Jennifer when she was so frightened and so very much alone. And she let him be there for her, let him take control and make the decisions about how they were going to be a family. In doing that, in believing he was capable of making this life for both of them, she have given Tom the chance to become a better man than he’d been before. She had made him better, a better man, and he knew it. For that, and for Abby, he was grateful to her. And he did love her and he was sorry that the comfort she needed right now, she didn’t want from him.
3
"Hello."
“Hi, it’s Julia.”
“Hey, Mouse.”
“Do not call me Mouse.”
“Sorry, hey, Moose.”
“Nice. Loser. So … guess what?”
“What?”
“You will NEVER guess who is here right now.”
“Who?”
“Like not in a million years!”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“No, wait. It’s Jennifer.”
“Jennifer who?”
“Jennifer Jennifer, Stepmother Jennifer.”
“What?”
“She is, like, sitting in the front room. With MOM.”
All of a sudden Matthew was listening, though he had no idea what his sister was talking about. “What’s Dad doing there?”
“No Dad,” said Julia, triumphant now that she had her brother hooked. “Just Jennifer. Abby’s not even here.”
“What are you talking about, Jules? Why would Abby be there?”
“Oh my god, haven’t you heard? It’s like insane, Matt … like bizarre-o land insane.”
“What’s insane?”
“Abby has, like, started coming over here so Mom can teach her to write or something.”
“Excuse me?”
“I don’t know, so she can just follow in your footsteps and write the great Canadian novel or whatever. It’s idol worship gone to extremes. Its ridiculous.”
“What?” Julia now had his full attention, something that had probably not been the case since the mid-nineties.
“Matt, that is not EVEN the weird part, okay? So, like, I come home from school and walk in the door and there they are in the living room, like, having tea or whatever. And so I’m like ‘hey.’ And Jennifer’s like ‘Hello, Julia,’ all nonchalant and everything, and Mom’s just looking at me, all smiley and stuff, but, like, not a real smile, and so I’m like ‘Ab’s in the kitchen?’ cuz it’s not even her day to be here or whatever and they are both like ‘no.’ And so now I am thinking ‘oh no, what have they got on me’? But they don’t say anything else, like, not a word, so I’m like ‘okay’ and nod like it’s totally not weird that they are both just hanging out drinking tea, even though they’ve never done it before. I’m guessing maybe it’s Ben who’s in for it and then Mom’s like ‘The tea’s ready in the kitchen’ as if we are normally, like, super tea drinkers or something, and I was just like ‘I’ll pass’ and got the hell out of there. So that’s, like, totally weird, isn’t it?” Julia asked, as it seemed she’d run out of air.
“Yeah. That is pretty weird. ”
“I know, right? So Mom’s just like ‘hey you ruined my life but let’s all just hang out together now?’ So weird.”
“Mom
