passed . . . because this too shall pass . . . or so I had been told.
For the next two days I was in a fog. I thought I would go crazy. I was exhausted, I could not sleep, I could not eat, I knew a devastating tornado was about to make landfall in our lives, and yet I was going through the day doing things that changed nothing. And my husband, whom I loved for so many wonderful reasons, was suddenly a stranger to me. He needed my support and I had no idea how to help him. We were both drowning in the ocean, unable to save each other. And despite my indescribable fear and my anger at realizing that my own husband had destroyed my young family, I still felt the need to protect him. If someone had asked me just a few days prior to receiving this news, what I would have done if I had found myself in this very predicament, I would most likely have said that I would not tolerate such deceit and would never be able to stand by someone capable of so many lies. And yet there I stood, crying and overwhelmed by fear, bombarded by news that grew worse by the hour.
Upon his return to Miami, I tried helplessly to understand everything my husband was attempting to explain to me. I needed to know what had happened, what was going on, and yet my brain could not make sense out of any of it. At some point during those first days after his return, I found myself taking his hands in mine and telling him, “Listen, we all make mistakes and we are all so much more than our worst missteps.” It was at that moment that he finally broke down and cried.
Everything about my life had suddenly become uncertain. I assumed he would have to face the consequences of his actions, and I would have to build a new life. My husband insisted I did not deserve any of this. I could not say what it was I deserved, but the fact of the matter was that my life had changed forever. If these changes were for better or for worse, only time would tell.
While we navigated through the following week, my husband suddenly claimed he could not go on. He talked about how months had passed while he desperately tried to plan a way out of this mess. He said that the only reason he had not taken his life was to protect his children and me. Every day came with new pieces of information regarding his predicament and what he had been trying to do these past years, all while I had obliviously been enjoying my so-called perfect life. It was all very complicated, but I kept holding on to one truth: he had not killed anyone. Yes, he would have to pay the consequences for his actions, but I truly believed that eventually we’d be able to figure it all out.
As I tried to understand everything that was happening, as I tried to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, and figure out how to continue living my life, I was overwhelmed by deep sadness when I slowly realized that my husband and I had not been partners for a while, and that my family would never be whole again.
At first, I thought it would be best for my husband to move out of the house as soon as we returned to Guatemala, because the tension between us was making the children uneasy, and because if I was to remain separate from his actions to avoid becoming an accomplice, we could not live under the same roof.
But then my feelings shifted. I decided that precisely because our time as a family unit might come to an end sooner rather than later, it would be best if we tried to remain together as long as possible. The rupture might be inevitable, but I was still not ready to be the one to cause it. I wasn’t ready to let go. Up until that moment, I truly believed that I had my life under control, that my husband and I were a team, and that we had our life as figured out as possible. As it turned out, NOTHING was in my control.
I called my father, seeking comfort and advice.
“Papá, I have nothing, I have no idea what’s to come. I don’t know what to do.”
And, just as he’d done at other times in my life when my own thoughts had made me feel helpless, he cleared my mind with his wisdom.
“This too shall pass,” he said calmly. “There is a solution to every problem, there are inevitable consequences, but there’s no need to fret and worry so much beforehand. We do not know what is to come. Don’t let your mind be your worst enemy. There is no point in letting negative and destructive thoughts control us.”
My father continued to call me from Guatemala every twelve hours to ask how I was, to tell me that I was not alone, and that I had all his support; I felt blessed.
On August 5, 2014, my children, the nanny, and I returned to Guatemala as originally planned. Back home, I spent weeks suffering panic attacks, falling prey to my worst thoughts, going over every detail that was available to me to see if it could all finally make sense in my mind. But nothing made sense. I was inside a whirlwind of change, and I would’ve been sucked into its vacuum had it not been for the one thing that remained constant in my life: the continuous and determined support of my family and friends. They say you learn how few friends you can truly count on when you are in the hospital, in prison, or in financial trouble. I now know how many wonderful people surround my life’s journey, a ray of light during dark and stormy times.
And when I asked myself how I could remain by my husband’s side after the devastating news, the answers were simple: because I loved him for so many other reasons, because he was my partner, because he made a mistake, and because my family without him still made no sense to me.
—
Exactly a month after the devastating news, I decided to go on my first job interview in over twenty years. I had no idea whether I would get the job, but I knew I had to do something. Given the circumstances, it was likely I would have to sell everything, learn to live a simpler life, and work for a living. I really had no idea what was in store for me, but I knew I needed to keep moving forward. So, I interviewed at AYUVI, Fundación Ayúdame a Vivir, which raises funds to benefit children with cancer in Guatemala. Drowning in my personal and financial worries, I had been blind to truly unimaginable sadness until that day.
When I arrived, I was given a tour of the hospital, and met very sick children from extremely low-income families who were battling for their lives. And yet they were the lucky ones, benefitting from the amazing work AYUVI does on their behalf to get them the treatment they deserve. I was so inspired that I left the interview praying I would get the job, hoping to be part of that team dedicated to saving lives. I threw my wish out into the universe and thought, God knows best.
I have never considered myself a religious person, but I do believe in God and feel that the best way to honor Him is to trust that He knows best. So, even as my life was being turned upside down, as fear and anxiety invaded every cell of my body, I stood by that statement. I felt comfort in believing that even though I may not understand God’s will at any given time, there is a divine purpose to everything.
A few days later, the phone rang: I got the job! On September 16, 2014, I began working as Fundraising and Public Relations Coordinator for the USA at AYUVI. Visiting that hospital changed my life forever. Witnessing firsthand how those children fought for their lives gave me the courage I needed to continue moving forward with mine. They will continue to be an inspiration to me for the rest of my life.
—
As 2014 came to a close, I found that once again I had purpose in my life. I had devised a wonderful art project and was looking forward to implementing it, sure that it would raise much-needed funds to benefit the children’s cancer hospital. I was meeting new people, enjoying the Guatemalan art scene, and working comfortably from home, near my children. I felt useful and productive, and truly believed I was beginning to rebuild my life.
Meanwhile, my relationship with my husband was nonexistent. We lived in the same house but led separate lives. I was doing all I could to mitigate any other drastic changes in my children’s lives, but my marriage had crumbled and could not be put back together again. My husband claimed that he had no money and no place to go, and I was at a loss. After all, he was the father of our two
