experience. This leaves the door open for you and your youth to move on and set another goal.
It can be heartbreaking when a very motivated teen fails to succeed after months or even years of trying. In this case, help them accept the limitation and try to reframe it positively. In the driving example, you could say, “You did everything you could, and now you know it’s not in the cards but at least you tried” or “Even though the license won’t work out, you know your way around a car in case there’s an emergency” or (perhaps best of all) “I’m proud of you for giving it your best shot.”
Communication strategies
Communicating with young people about setting goals can be challenging, whether they have ASD or not. Developmentally, it is natural for young people to strive for independence from their parents. However, this is not achieved overnight. Youth still need parental support to facilitate much of what they do, whether they like to admit it or not. They may wish they didn’t need your help, but they do. The frustration which comes from this dilemma can sour parent–child communication.
As a parent, think back to when you were in your teens or early 20s: did you like your parents telling you what to do? Of course not! Try to empathize with the young person’s wish to be autonomous, even as you try to do what is in their best interest. When communicating, try to acknowledge both sides of an issue before stating your opinion. Communicating with young people often resembles Newton’s third law: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In other words, if you state your point of view too forcefully, be prepared for resistance. If you gently review the pros and cons of various options, you might still get some defiance, but it will be dramatically less.
Apart from the need to respect autonomy, there are several other communication strategies which can be helpful when it comes to discussing goals with your youngster, as illustrated in the following examples.
Social/independence goal: having a weekly outing with a friend
Jim’s father: It’s been over a month since you saw one of your friends. Start making phone calls!
Alex’s father: Would you like some company next time you go to the movies? Who haven’t you seen in a while… Jason, Randy? Do you know how to reach him, or do you need a hand? What time might work? Can you take the bus or will you need a ride?
Who is more likely to get to the movies with a friend, Jim or Alex, and why? Jim’s father starts by pointing out his son’s failure to achieve his goal. This puts Jim in a bad mood right away. Then, he orders Jim to make phone calls, with no regard for his son’s desire for autonomy (e.g. he might want to make the phone calls later, at a more convenient time) or for the possibility that using the phone may be difficult for him. Autistic youth often find the telephone a difficult communication medium, as it relies on the ability to generate friendly conversation (typically not their strong suit) and recognizing the speaker’s intent by tone of voice (another weakness for many on the autism spectrum). The possibility of someone other than Jim’s friend answering the telephone (e.g. the friend’s parent) makes the situation even more daunting. Making small-talk with friends’ parents is far beyond the abilities of most youth with ASD. When Jim balks at his Dad’s suggestion, his father may wrongly assume that Jim is being defiant or simply lacks initiative. As the order to make phone calls does not invite further discussion, Jim’s father will never know his son’s true motivations.
By contrast, Alex’s father assumes that his son can call a friend, but needs some help doing so. Therefore, he decides to “scaffold” the task for Alex. That is, he breaks the task into manageable pieces and then ascertains which pieces require help and which ones don’t. He begins by suggesting an activity which might be fun to do with a friend (i.e. going to the movies), assuming Alex may not necessarily think of it. He then suggests a choice of possible friends to call, making it easier to review the candidates and also implying that Alex will call someone (subtly coercive, but usually effective). Alex’s father then offers to either help with the phone call or respect his privacy, depending on his preference. Notice that Alex is not forced to confess any anxiety about the call, which might be embarrassing, as his father simply offers to help him reach the friend. This process could include anything from looking up the number, to dialing the number, to dealing with the friend’s parent (if that is who answers the call), to actually saying hello to the friend before passing the phone to Alex. Timing and transportation issues are also touched on, anticipating that Alex might need some help planning the event. If Alex has never taken the bus, he will probably ask for a ride. If he has some experience with the bus but is not confident using it, his father can offer to drive him to the theatre and then have him take the bus home. If Alex is confident, he can use the bus both ways, respecting his independence. Notice that Alex’s father includes several questions which invite his son to talk about his concerns, and also signal that his needs and preferences will be taken into account when planning the event.
Post-secondary goal: choosing a college program
Sara’s mother: Computer programming sounds like a good course of study for you. Here’s the top three colleges in our area offering it. Let’s work together on the applications.
Melinda’s mother: Computer programming would tie in with your interest in video games, but wouldn’t actually focus on game design so you’d have to specialize in that later; on the other hand, if you narrow things down to game design right away, you might miss out on another area that could be interesting. What do you think?
Sara’s mother initially sounds very helpful and focused on the task at hand. There is certainly a desire to scaffold the task by working with Sara, and narrowing down the choice of colleges may be helpful. There is only one potential difficulty: she hasn’t checked if Sara actually wants to pursue this goal! Without Sara’s agreement, there is likely to be resistance to this plan.
Melinda’s mother sounds ambivalent about post-secondary plans, but this less definitive approach is designed to invite Melinda to contribute. Options are given along with their pros and cons, suggesting that Melinda’s mother is not firmly wedded to any particular one. This approach reduces the chances of mother–daughter conflict and encourages discussion. The only option which is not on the table is “taking a year off” with no structured plan for that year. This is deliberate, as we know that a lack of structure often results in regression for youth on the autism spectrum (Scholenberg, Sameroff and Cicchetti 2004).
Health goal: going swimming twice a week
Judy’s mother helps her daughter get a pool membership, finds out the hours for swimming, arranges transportation to the pool, and verifies that Judy really enjoys swimming on a regular basis. However, a couple of weeks go by and Judy has not left the house to go to the pool. When confronted, the girl replies, “But you told me to do the vacuuming yesterday, and you got me a haircut the day before that.”
Cindy’s mother asks, “What days this week would be good for swimming?” Days are agreed upon, and she offers Cindy reminders on those days. Eventually, the activity becomes routine.
Judy’s mother has done all she can to scaffold the activity and plan it with her daughter’s participation. However, some youth with ASD have difficulty planning ahead for a week, or fitting multiple tasks into one day. Therefore, they may need help creating regular routines for activities and some parental support to ensure that routines are followed. This is exactly the approach used by Cindy’s mother.
One further potential difficulty related to ASD is excessive adherence to routines once they are established. In this case, Cindy might insist that Tuesdays and Thursdays are swimming days and refuse
