called her Doris. We tried calling her Doris but it didn’t fit her. You see Hungry Bungry was always
hungry and when she was bothering us for more
food we were saying to her, ‘Are you hungry bungry?’ and then we just started calling her that because it stuck.
My little sister Lucy is a bit like Hungry Bungry. She is always hungry and eats very quickly too.
I love Hungry Bungry. Hungry Bungry greets me when I get home from school, no matter what has happened in the day and even if the postman has delivered a snotty green letter. Hungry Bungry doesn’t care about snotty green letters.
After Hungry Bungry has said ‘Hello’ and wandered off for some more food I look in on Facebook my chicken. Facebook doesn’t care about snotty green letters either. She’s my friend and easier to get along with than some of my human friends. And she lays eggs, which none of my human friends can do (as far as I know).
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THE BRAIN MASH
Sometimes Gobber barks so loudly and so non-stop that I literally can’t hear anything else and I can’t remember what I’m meant to be doing or saying.
It is like a hailstorm in my brain. Hailstones smash around, breaking my brain to pieces. And then my brain stops working. I call it the Brain Mash.
When I’ve got the Brain Mash I don’t know what day of the week it is, what the time is, how old I am, how to get to school, whether I need my football kit or my gym kit. Brain Mash is rubbish and on Brain Mash days Gobber doesn’t leave me alone for a second.
When I’ve got the Brain Mash, if Mrs Penfolder our English teacher says, ‘Sit down, be quiet, get your book out and open it on page 56,’ I don’t get much further than ‘Sit down.’ Then Mrs Penfolder adds to the noise Gobber is making by barking herself, ‘Be quiet Billy, Billy be quiet, Billy get your book out, what page did I say, Billy you weren’t even listening, Billy, Billy, BILLY, BILLY!’
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Gobber gets louder and louder and louder and Mrs Penfolder gets louder and louder and it’s off to the Naughty Room. And Gobber runs around like crazy and laughs his big, fat head off.
No one else has a big and disgusting dog like I have, and that’s awesomely bad luck for me.
Except Starsky. He’s a boy in my class. I think he might have a big dog that follows him. In fact he might even have a tiger.
When I have the Brain Mash at home I say to Mum, ‘Mum, I’ve got the Brain Mash,’ and she says, ‘OK thanks for telling me,’ and does things for me like puts my clothes away and helps me clean my teeth and sits near me while I watch cooking programs on the television.
I haven’t told her the truth about Gobber. I’m worried she will either think I am making it all up or I am crazy and then the dog will well and truly be out of the bag.
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STARSKY
Starsky is small and fast and has tangled hair. He is sometimes my friend and sometimes my enemy. People call him Nasty Starsky, which is easy for them to say. He has a big anger problem, which is why I think he might have a tiger roaring at his ears. When he’s angry he is kind of scary and you never know what he is going to do or say next. When Starsky is my friend he wants me to come to his house for a sleepover and play Call of Duty 3 all night and Mum says, ‘No’ and I say, ‘Why?’ and she says, ‘Because it’s my job to keep you safe.’ When I ask her to explain she gets a bit of the Brain Mash herself and can’t answer my question to my full satisfaction.
Starsky sometimes has a wee problem and that’s why he also gets called Stinksky and Pissky. That’s when he gets the big anger and violence and gets excluded from school.
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Sometimes I like Starsky and feel sorry for him but also it’s easier at school when he’s not there. Gobber is quieter when Starsky’s not around.
What I most wish for is some nice friends who like playing Lego and making dens.
28
FRIENDSHIPS ARE LIKE MATHS
My friend Carter who I thought was my friend, well it turns out he isn’t any more and now he is in the gang and I am out of the gang.
LOSER. LONER. SADDO. WEIRDO. STUPIDO. THAT’S ME.
Mum says, ‘I wish I could make it better for you,’ but she can’t. No one can, except Carter, and Gobber chased him away like he chases everyone away.
Mrs Buttress says that friendships can be complicated like maths and I’ll get there in the end and that I must think about how much progress I’ve made. I don’t want to do that. I don’t really know what she means by ‘progress’. I just want friends. And I want Facebook (not the chicken variety).
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When I’m trying hard to be friends with someone Gobber runs around distracting me and I lose the conversation and I can’t get back in. Gobber gets jealous when I try to ignore him and barks louder and jumps higher. Then stupid things come out of my mouth and everyone stares at me and someone will make a joke and they will all laugh. Including Gobber. That’s what he wanted all along, to make people laugh at me and then go away from me. I wish I could make him go away. I’ve tried lots of different things but nothing ever works. I think that Gobber is my life sentence. My secret life sentence.
30
I AM FULL OF BADNESS
I am officially in a heap of smelly trouble. It involves me and Starsky and Starsky’s friends and a dare in a shop, which I did but I got caught. (Because of my epic bad luck I am always the one who gets caught.) I can’t tell what happened because I am too full of a heavy feeling which Mum says is called shame but I know is badness.
I had to be brought home from the shop by my mum which was ten out of ten awkward. I was fully expecting her to shout but she didn’t, which was a big surprise and shock. Then Gobber laughed his ugly laugh, licked my face and left slobber running down my cheeks like tears. (Just for the record, they were not tears alright.)
She didn’t say much only that she thinks I get into trouble when I hang around with Starsky and his friends.
31
This
