on her very…enlightening…conversation with Lee and laughed.
When Lilliana had placed the ad, she hadn’t given it as much thought as she obviously should have. What in the world had Simone been thinking when she told them all to ask a man to figure out the acronym for Big Spankable Ass in an ad? Hmmm. Maybe Simone was doing some freaky shit herself on the down low, Lilliana thought.
She reached her small home, opened the door and walked inside. Once in, Lilliana let out a deep breath, kicked off her shoes, and tossed her bag on the chintz-covered sofa that she’d carefully reupholstered and glanced around.
The cottage wasn’t large, but it was perfect for her. The living area was large and airy and opened up into a sizable bedroom. She’d separated the two rooms with large bamboo screens that she’d found at a flea market, and set side by side. She loved the ambiance she’d created throughout with her other unique finds.
She and her girls, Simone and Melinda, had spent a weekend sanding and refinishing her tables and whatnot stands, despite the occasional good-natured grumbles, usually from Simone, about messing up manicures and causing calluses. They’d helped her to make the cottage feel like home. The only things not donated or bought used were her mattress and her laptop.
With a happy sigh, she padded barefoot to the kitchen to search for something to eat. She opened the refrigerator and took out the pan of enchiladas she’d made two nights ago and popped them into the microwave and set the timer.
As she waited for them to heat, she checked her voicemail and laughed as Simone’s voice came on, complaining about one of her employees, whose behind she was about to kick to the curb if she came in one more time smelling like weed and fried chicken.
The microwave dinged and she took out her dinner and blew on it as she walked though to her bedroom, where she had her laptop connected to the Internet sitting on the small desk in the corner of the room.
She sat down, placed the plate of food near the keyboard and logged on, then reached out to pick up the remote control to her small stereo system and hit the play button. The crooning, NuSoul sound of India. Aire came wafting out of the speakers.
Lilliana bounced her butt in her seat and sang off-key along with the singer as she listened to the music and waited. She wished she could afford to get the high speed connection the cable company offered, but she’d have to wait until her money wasn’t so funny before she could afford to do that.
“Let’s see what’s going on in the world,” she mumbled out loud as her home page filled the screen.
She read the headlines until she noticed the small envelope icon in the corner that notified her that she had e-mail. She clicked on it and saw a handful of e-mails that had come in response to the ad and felt nervous excitement pool in her gut. She’d created a second e-mail name, solely for the ad, that would redirect to her main e-mail address.
She clicked on the first e-mail from mrbiggs@biggiesworld. com. What the…?
Lilliana was almost scared to see what Mr. Biggs’ answer would be. Any man that had to tell you he was Mr. Biggs, she’d lay odds he wasn’t all that big in the places he wanted you to think he was.
Hey girl, I like what I read and I think I got just the answer for YOU! First let me tell you a little about myself. My name is Tyrese Bigelow, but they call me Mr. Biggs for short, and I bet you can guess why! But don’t let the name fool you. Just because I’m big don’t mean I don’t know how to be gentle. I’ll treat you right, baby girl! So let’s just cut to the chase. You say you’re a BF (black female) in the ad, so I’m guessing that B.S.A. stands for Black Smelly Ass! But girl, if I’m wrong I won’t tell nobody if you don’t. Wink! Hit me up at 555-1920 and we can discuss what you want me to do with that Black Sexy Smelly Ass of yours! I can smell it from here…girl, you’re ripe for me, you’re ripe!
By the time Lilliana read the last line she was laughing so hard she almost fell out of her chair. “Oh no, the hell he didn’t! Oh my God. Black Smelly Ass and I’m ripe for him?” But hell, it wasn’t any worse than what she, Melinda and Simone had come up with! Lord have mercy.
Okay, one down, two more to go. She opened the next e-mail. This one sounded halfway normal. At least he had a nice screen name, she thought—until she opened up the e-mail and got seriously confused reading the message.
Hello, Ma’am. My name is Clarence John, but my friends call me C.J. I’m hoping that you and I can become friends!
“Ooh, isn’t that nice?” Lilliana carefully bit into her enchilada and continued to read.
The minute I read your ad in the personal, I knew I had to answer! I, too, am a Boy Scout of America and was thrilled when I saw this ad!
What the…
Now, I’m not sure what you want me to do, but ma’am, I’m up for the challenge. The Scout’s motto is to be prepared at all times for all things! I’ve been a member of the Scouts for over thirty years and I’ve lived this motto for just as long!
“Okaaay…”
I’ve got some nice new rope and know just how to use it! My last one got really frayed with my ex-girlfriend. If only she’d just sat still! Anyway, recently, as a senior scout leader, I’ve learned a variety of new knots that I’d love to try on you guaranteed that you wouldn’t be able to escape from! I also have some really good, secure hand and mouth restraints, ball gag, the works, that I’d love to put on you!
“Oh no the hell you won’t, you damn freak.” Lilliana deleted the message so fast she almost hurt herself. “I don’t know if I should laugh or call the damn cops on his strange behind!” When she saw that there was one more message she almost deleted it without looking at it. “Oh, well, it’ll be good for a laugh anyway…or a good long cry.”
This one had a normal e-mail address so that was one point in his favor. She reluctantly opened the e-mail, almost afraid to read what this one had to say.
Hello, Miss. I’m not quite sure how to start this. In fact I have to admit that I feel a little silly.
Lilliana chewed her food thoughtfully, swallowed and continued reading.
To be honest, I wouldn’t have ever come across this ad had it not been by pure chance. But since I’m a man who believes in chance and destiny and star-crossed lovers…
Lilliana laughed out loud at that part.
That was the part that you were supposed to laugh at, ha ha.
She laughed again.
I knew I had to answer the ad. I’m a normal guy. At least my mother says I am. I’m six foot, two and a half inches. (I claim the half inch because I have three older brothers who beat the crap out of me growing up and the half inch gave me the edge a few times.) I have a pretty good job doing what I like to do, make money.
Hmmm, nothing wrong with that!
I like to read, like to collect miniatures…oh hell. I probably shouldn’t have written that. Now you probably think I’m gay, huh? Strike that. I collect fifties sitcom memorabilia…Damn! That was the wrong answer too, I can feel you laughing!
Lilliana was laughing so hard, her side hurt.
I work out and go to all sporting events, particularly
