there with Desiree’s hand in mine, I felt a stirring in my heart. Looking up at the minister as he was talking, I began to realize how much trouble I’d gotten myself in with my problem. And I’m not sure if even God can get me out.
Trinity
“You’re so blessed, Trinity.” That’s what everybody keeps telling me, that I’m blessed. I suppose I’d have to agree with them. All these years I’ve lived with my various internal personalities only to almost totally lose my true self to a personality who calls herself Faith. But thank God, God didn’t let it be so.
My name is Charity Alexandria Morrell, but most people at church knew me first or better as either Hope or Faith. Then I completely lost it while taking care of Johnnie Mae Taylor Landris’s mother, Countess Gates, and the truth emerged. Faith, Hope, and Charity could be best summed up as Trinity—three distinct separate persons in one.
Oh, how I do miss Mrs. Gates. Of course I can no longer take care of her. I have to first get well myself. Some folks call me Trinity because of my three manifest personalities. This way Hope, and especially Faith, aren’t being excluded when I’m being addressed now. And in truth, one can never know for sure which one of us is present.
The doctors have diagnosed me with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). People used to call it split personalities, with Sybil (remember that movie?) being the poster child. I wanted to stick exclusively with my therapist, Sapphire Drummond, a true Christian therapist, as my psychologist, but my personality called Faith doesn’t like Sapphire very much. She refuses to cooperate if she’s present when Sapphire is asking questions. So Sapphire hooked us up with another colleague, a Dr. Holden, and Faith—according to what they tell me—seems fine with him. In fact, Dr. Holden is standing with all of us who came forward because of our strongholds; although for the life of me, I can’t imagine what he could possibly be dealing with.
Dr. Holden and Sapphire have explained Dissociative Identity Disorder more clearly to me. They’re helping me better understand what may have happened to cause Faith and Hope to show up in the first place, as well as when it may have likely occurred.
I understand now how Dissociative Identity Disorder is the most chronic and harsh expression of dissociation. Dr. Holden believes it had to have been brought on by a severe trauma, but for the life of me, I can’t make myself remember it.
“Along with this disorder, distinct, coherent identities can exist within one individual and can manage to assume control of the primary person’s behavior and thoughts,” Dr. Holden said. “In DID, a patient can experience amnesia about personal experiences, which can include the identities and activities of alternate personalities.”
Sapphire had already explained to me how people with DID may experience depression, mood swings, become anxious, have a hard time maintaining their attention span, and even become psychotic. She said a lot of folks try to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs, but I thank God that was never a problem for me.
“People are frequently misdiagnosed as being solely bipolar or severely depressed,” Dr. Holden said. “It’s not an uncommon thing for years to pass before a correct assessment of DID is properly made in order for a patient to be treated appropriately.”
For years, especially in my church upbringing, people were frowned upon if they had to seek out a head doctor.
“All you need to do is pray about it,” people at church would say. “God can work it out. He will heal you. You just need enough faith.”
And I agree that God can work it out and that He can heal me. That’s why I’m standing here at the altar and being up-front about my stronghold. But I’m also aware that God can send various people to help us through our healing process. That’s where Sapphire and Dr. Holden come in. Sapphire stresses to all of her patients the importance of seeking the Lord and praying, and she prays and asks God to help her bless His people with the knowledge and skills He has endowed her with.
My faith in God is strong, which is ironic because my personality named Faith is also strong. She knows her time is short as an independent persona. She’s also aware that we don’t want her to leave until I face what happened to split my personality in the first place. I think I was around seven or eight, but it’s important that I remember the details clearly so I can heal.
Faith remembers. But she’s not talking.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s just as well that I don’t remember. Maybe the best thing for me to do is to get this dissociative stronghold out of my life and move on, whether I know what happened or not. That’s why Faith won’t tell us anything. She knows once I recall everything, I’ll get better. She’ll have to go, or what the doctors say, “assimilate,” no, “integrate” with me. Hope knows something, but only Faith knows everything—the whole truth. I am getting stronger mostly because I’m learning to stand in the power and might of God Almighty. And yes, I believe I’m delivered now. Now.
“‘For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal,’” Pastor Landris said as he continued his sermon on strongholds, quoting Second Corinthians 10:4–5. “‘…but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds. Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.’”
I’ve got to do this. I must cast down images and every high thing that exalts itself against what I know of God. I must bring my thoughts into captivity.
“Captivity has the Greek word conqueror with the word sword attached to it,” Pastor Landris said. “We have the Sword of the Spirit—the Word of God. Use your sword to conquer your stronghold. Use your sword to bring down wrong images and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God. God knows, but we must look our stronghold in the eye and let it know that I believe what the Word of God says, and the Word of God says…then you speak the Word that applies to your situation. Speak the Word that you’re standing on. Whose report are you going to believe? You have to take a stand and let the devil know you’re going to believe the report…the Word of the Lord. Say it like Jesus said: ‘It is written…’”
So I stand here at this altar on this Sunday in March, believing that God is a mind regulator. That Jesus has given me His peace, perfect peace…a peace that surpasses all understanding.
I believe it today and I speak it: I have the mind of Christ.
Bentley
When you have a last name like Strong and a first name like Bentley, you know you’re being set up for some great things in your life. Of course children made fun of me. Most of them had heard of a car called Bentley, so that just made their teasing that much easier. Now that I’m twenty-five and doing very well, those same people who picked on me years ago are flocking to wherever I happen to be, asking for financial handouts.
It turns out that being a computer geek at the age of eight (even though we were dirt poor and didn’t even get a computer in our home until I was eleven) was an additional blessing unto itself. But my mother always told me as long as I owned a library card, I had the whole world—along with some of the most brilliant minds and teachers ever to live—forever at my fingertips.
“Just reach out and take hold of all you can get,” she said.
My mother was the brilliant one. The library was full of books and access to computers. The librarians were so impressed with my diligence; they allowed me more time on the computer back then than they were supposed to. I, in turn, taught them some things they didn’t know how to do. When it was time to upgrade
