as if to say, You poor little fool.
In the past, I would have felt guilty for forgetting whatever it was I was being accused of forgetting and apologized. However, today I felt empowered. I held out Aggie, like Captain Kirk used the Tribbles to uncover the Klingon on Star Trek, and she didn’t disappoint. She barked and snapped, and Albert backed up and removed the smug, self-satisfied look from his face.
I pulled her back to my chest. “What party?”
“Tonight’s my grandmother’s ninety-fifth birthday. We’re hosting the party, remember?” He looked around the room. “Clearly, you forgot. There’s not even one decoration up. No balloons. Did you even cook?”
“You have got to be kidding me. Did you forget? You walked out. That’s not my grandmother. Why would you even think I’d host a birthday party for someone”—I held up a finger—“someone who isn’t related to me, someone I don’t like, and someone who can’t stand me?” I stared into his blank eyes.
He stared and then blinked. “So, you’re not planning to cook?”
“Ugh!” I marched into the kitchen. If I didn’t get away from him, I might be tempted to take Dixie’s gun and shoot him myself.
After a few moments, he followed me into the kitchen.
“If you have any sense of self-preservation, you’ll go away and not talk to me until I’ve had some coffee.” I filled the water basin on the fancy individual-cup coffeemaker Albert had given me for our last anniversary. At the time, I was so angry that he felt a coffeemaker was the perfect gift to give to a woman who rarely drank coffee, for a twenty-fifth wedding anniversary present. However, after he walked out, I found myself drinking more coffee and wine than I had in the past twenty-five years. So, I got it out of the box. Now, every time I made coffee, it reminded me what an insensitive louse I married.
Albert watched me make coffee. When it was done, I sat down and drank the entire cup, got up, and made another. At one point, he looked as though he was going to speak, but one look into my eyes and he quickly closed his mouth and remained silent.
By the time I’d downed my second cup of coffee, my nerves were less frazzled and I was able to formulate sentences that didn’t question his parents’ marital status when he was born.
“I can only assume, by your presence here, you haven’t told your family we’re getting divorced, nor have you bothered to cancel the birthday party for tonight.”
He looked as though he was going to smirk, and I picked Aggie up and held her where he could see her. He promptly readjusted his countenance to a neutral state. He sighed. “No, I haven’t told my family about the divorce. I thought we could tell them later.”
I looked at my soon-to-be ex-husband, seeing him, perhaps for the first time, as the cowardly weasel that he was.
“We could tell them later? Why should we tell them anything? They aren’t my family. They’re your family. You should tell them yourself.”
He looked startled. “But everyone is expecting us to have the party here, like always.”
“Maybe you should let Bimbo host the party for you.”
He sighed. “It’s Bambi, and she’s never hosted a party before. Plus, my family doesn’t know about her.”
“Oh, really?”
“Pleeease. I need your help. This will be the last time.”
“What’s in it for me?”
He tilted his head to the side. “What do you mean?”
“What’s-in-it-for-me?” I moved my hands as if I were using sign language.
Albert merely stared.
I sighed. “Look, I’ll host your party tonight, but it’s going to cost you.”
“How much?”
“First, you return your key. You do not enter this house without permission until the day when it is transferred over to you and I move out.” I waited.
He nodded.
I held out my hand.
He looked for two seconds as though he wasn’t going to give me the key.
“I can always have the locks changed.”
He reached in his pocket and handed me his key.
“Second, you will return my access to our joint bank account.” I squinted. “And don’t even think about withdrawing the money from that account, because I was a CPA and I know how much should be in it.”
He reluctantly nodded.
I folded my arms across my chest and waited.
“Now?”
I nodded.
He pulled out his cell phone and dialed the bank.
“And put it on speaker.”
He glared but pressed the speaker button. When he finished, he ended the call and stared at me like a dog awaiting praise. He’d be waiting a long time.
“Thirdly, you agree to keep the children as your beneficiaries. You will NOT attempt to cut them out of their inheritance, even if you decide to marry that empty-headed nitwit.”
He frowned and stared at me so long I thought this would be the deal breaker, but he eventually agreed and nodded his consent to my terms.
“Good. Now you can go. I’ll take care of everything.”
He stuttered, but eventually shrugged, turned, and walked out.
After he left, Dixie and the poodles returned. “Is everything okay?”
I nodded. “Yes, but we have a party to plan.”
Dixie looked as though she thought I’d lost my mind.
“It’s Stephanie’s bisnonna’s birthday.”
“What the heck is a bisnonna?”
I smiled. “It’s Italian for great-grandmother. Nonna is grandmother, and bisnonna is great-grandmother.”
We left the poodles in the RV and went to the store. Under normal circumstances, I would have spent all day slaving over a hot stove to make a home-cooked meal for Albert and his family. However, these weren’t normal circumstances, and time wasn’t on my side.
I picked up the telephone and ordered food from my favorite Italian restaurant, Café Roma’s. Lasagna, chicken parmesan, Caesar salad, and garlic bread for a small army would be ready for pickup in three hours. I called Mama Adamo’s Bakery and had a large sheet cake with strawberry filling and Happy Birthday, Nonna written on top. I went to the deli and got fruit trays, vegetable trays, wieners, and dip, and my last trip was to the liquor store for several nice bottles of wine and a few nonalcoholic beverages for the children.
