mattered, suddenly, that it was this man, and the mattering made my body stutter. I froze. My heart, already pounding, skipped a beat.
A woman’s orgasm is such a fragile thing, dependant as much upon her mind as on her clitoris, and though my climax had been swelling inside me, ready to spill over, I lost it. My body shifted, my thoughts atangle with self-discovery. I had let him in.
He couldn’t know, of course, that because I had told him my true name and the way I drink my tea, sex would suddenly become so complicated. I had let him fuck me in a bathroom stall, after all. He couldn’t know that sex was something I did and intimacy something I did not. Dan could not have known those things, but he looked into my eyes at that moment anyway as if he did.
“It’s all right,” he told me, as confident in that as when he’d ordered lunch for me. “Elle. It’s all right.”
He rolled me so carefully we didn’t part and then was beneath me. He adjusted my legs and put my hands on his chest. My fingers curved around his ribs. He put one hand on my hip. The other slid between us, his thumb pressing my clit.
“Move,” he whispered. “Move the way you want to.”
And though I’d stuttered, though the moment I’d almost lost had less to do with sex and more to do with fear, I did as he said. I moved. I rocked against him, finding a pace that satisfied me and brought me back to where we’d been.
He helped me, shifting when I shifted and easing his thrusts when I changed the angle. He moved his hips at my guidance, and even when his breath became ragged he kept his thrusts smooth.
I let my head fall back to feel my hair tumble down and stroke the top of my ass. I wanted to lose myself again, to give up to the same sweet nothingness, but though my body filled with pleasure, I couldn’t find it.
“Come for me,” he whispered. His thumb stroked me as he helped me rock against him. “I want to watch you.”
I shuddered. I opened my eyes. My body knew better than my brain. He looked at me, and I at him, and I gave him what he wanted.
Everything drew tighter, knotting, until I unraveled. I cried out. My fingers dug into his skin. His thumb ceased moving and stayed still, the pressure enough to keep me surging. He thrust harder, faster, both hands moving to pin my hips. He grunted when he came, so close behind me it was almost simultaneous.
We lay together in silence, after, not touching. Sweat cooled on my body, but it felt good. I felt good.
At least for a little while, before I began to calculate how long I’d have to wait before I could get up to leave. I listened to his breathing deepen. Maybe he’d fall asleep, and I could sneak out.
He let out one small, entirely adorable snore. I got up and padded to the bathroom connected to his bedroom, where I used the toilet and the sink. His washcloths were thick, plush and blue, to match the paint and shower curtain. I used his mouthwash, sniffed his cologne, admired the surprising cleanliness of his floor and counter. He had a rubber duck in his bathtub, and I marveled over it for a minute. The hint of whimsy.
Still naked, I came out of the bathroom to find his eyes open.
“You’re the first woman I’ve ever been with who practically counted the seconds until she could leave.”
“Really?” I asked from the doorway. “I’ve been with plenty of men who’ve done it.”
I went to the living room to pick up my discarded clothes and put them on. I’d slipped on my panties and was hooking my bra when he came after me.
“Why don’t you date?” He asked from the doorway. He’d slipped on boxers printed with a pattern of marching jellybeans, and I was vividly reminded of meeting him at Sweet Heaven.
“Dating complicates things.” I slid my arms into my sleeves and did up the buttons. I put on my skirt, zipped and buttoned it, tucked in my shirt. I smoothed the wrinkles.
“How do you figure that?”
“Dating,” I said, “implies a level of emotional connection for both parties to either create or work toward creating.”
Dan crossed his arms over his chest. “And?”
I sighed. “I don’t have time for that.”
He made a low noise of disbelief. “You mean you don’t want to have time for it.”
“Semantics.”
He watched me look around for my purse but made no move to help me find it. “You said you did go on dates, sometimes.”
I shot him a smile. “Sometimes. Not for a long time. And a date is not dating. Dating implies more than once.”
“Ah.” He looked bemused. “Which leads to the emotional corruption.”
“Connection—” I looked up. He was teasing me. “That, too.”
“How long has it been since you went on a date?”
“Not counting our appointment?”
He held up a finger. “That was an appointment, not a date.”
“Right.” I didn’t have to think hard. “Four years, eight months, three days.”
I found my purse in the moment of silence my answer had created. I rifled through it, checking for car keys and cab fare. When I looked up, Dan was staring at me.
“How long since you’d had sex?”
“Three years. Give or take.”
“Are you counting from tonight or the time in the bathroom?”
“I’m counting from the time on the dance floor.” I zipped my bag closed and slung it over my shoulder. “Because… that was sex.”
He watched me get ready to leave. His expression didn’t tell me if he was shocked, angry or admiring. At last he ran a hand through his sandy hair, spiking it, then passed the same hand across his mouth.
“Good night, Dan.”
His words caught me with my hand on the knob to his front door. “You want to see me again. I know you do.”
I turned to look at him. “More than once, you mean?”
“You’ve already seen me more than once,” he pointed out.
“So then I should say no.”
I didn’t want to say no. The sex had been fantastic. More than that, his company had been comfortable. Dangerously so.
“I don’t date.”
“I’ll make another appointment.”
“Why?” I asked, point-blank. “You’ve seen me come with you inside me. What’s left?”
I think I really shocked him then. I meant to, anyway. I wanted to chase him
