she obviously planned that. And if she said it was an accident when she got pregnant, you’d believe her. Accidents happen all the time, and people get carried away in the heat of the moment and fall into bed without thinking. It has been known, and it wouldn’t be the first time you’d done it.’
She knew that all too well. She vividly remembered the time they’d come really, really close to making love...
‘Can we please stop discussing my sex life?’ he muttered, and she wondered if he was actually blushing or if it was just that he’d caught the sun.
‘Well, at least you have one. I can’t even remember what it was like,’ she said with painful honesty.
‘Ah, come on, Em, you and Pete were married for years!’
‘And most of the time he was too busy trying not to die,’ she pointed out.
All trace of laughter was gone from her voice now, and Jake stopped walking and pulled her into his arms with a ragged sigh, resting his cheek against her hair.
‘Ah, hell, I’m sorry, Em,’ he murmured apologetically. ‘I shouldn’t have said that, it’s none of my business. It must have been so tough for you both, living on a knife-edge throughout the whole of your marriage.’
She eased away from him and started walking again, somehow uncomfortable talking about Pete while she was standing in Jake’s arms. ‘Not all of it. Some of it was OK, especially after he got the all-clear, but I always knew in my bones it couldn’t last.’
‘So why did you decide to have a baby if you thought he was going to die?’ he asked, finally asking the question that must have been bugging him ever since she’d told him she was pregnant and Pete was dying.
She sighed, her shoulders lifting in a little shrug. ‘Because I thought he would live to see it. Pete had always wanted children, so had I, and my clock was ticking. He’d banked some sperm as soon as he was diagnosed, before he had the first chemo, so it was sitting there waiting, and I felt if we didn’t get on with it I’d have left it too late and missed my chance, but I never dreamt it would be over so soon for him. That was a real shock, when he went downhill so fast and I realised we’d left it too late.’
‘It must have been. Do you regret it?’
‘What, marrying Pete, or having Zach?’
‘I meant having Zach,’ he said, although he must have wondered if she’d regretted her marriage to a man she’d known was probably dying, but maybe he felt he’d been intrusive enough.
She smiled down at the sleeping baby snuggled up in the buggy, her heart filling. ‘Not for a single second. It hasn’t been easy, and I’ve often been scared that I couldn’t cope, but no, I’ve never regretted it. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Well, apart from you, of course, but that’s different.’
She flashed him a smile, and he reached out and took her hand and squeezed it, but he didn’t let go, just kept her hand there in his as they strolled along side by side, their fingers loosely linked.
It was only when the path narrowed again that he slipped his hand out of hers to go on ahead with the buggy, and she curled her fingers tightly into her palm and felt oddly bereft.
* * *
Jake rang her on Tuesday morning to say he’d had an email inviting him for interview at nine-thirty on Thursday.
‘Gosh, that was quick.’
‘It was. Ben promised he’d hustle it. Check your emails,’ he said, but she was already doing it and her heart was racing.
‘Yes, they want to see me at ten-fifteen. And they said allow until one. Ouch.’
‘Mmm. I think that’s because they want us one at a time, and then together.’
‘Can you get the time off?’ she asked, hooking Zach out of the bottom pan drawer and sliding it shut with her leg. ‘Because taking these two to an interview could be interesting, although we’ll need cover for the joint interview anyway. What are we going to do about that?’
‘I’ll sort it with Ben—he’ll need cover, too, and I’ll talk to the nursery,’ he promised. ‘I spoke to them about Matilda the other day, and they had some capacity then, so hopefully they can squeeze them in. Right, got to go, I’m due in Theatre. In fact, why don’t you come up here and talk to the staff at the nursery anyway, because this is for Zach, too, and it might give the children a chance to get familiarised before we have to leave them there—assuming they still have space.’
‘And failing that?’
She could almost see him shrug. ‘Then I’ll ask Ben’s wife Daisy if she can help out for the interviews as a one-off. She’s lovely and Tils knows her, but in the long term we may have to find somewhere else.’
‘OK. I’ll take them up there now and see. I’ll text you the answer.’
* * *
She spent the next hour at the nursery, and although Matilda dragged her everywhere she wanted to go, she did at least explore the garden and have a go on the play equipment, and Zach seemed happy in the sandpit so long as Emily sat on the edge. Then she found the water trough, and that was it.
‘Right, Tilly, we need to go now and see the ducks,’ she said, and to her amazement Matilda shook her head.
‘No. I playing.’
She was pouring water from one container to another and getting utterly drenched, but she seemed totally content, and Emily pulled out her phone and took a picture and sent it to Jake.
Hallelujah! he texted back, and she smiled.
Hallelujah, indeed. For now, at least.
* * *
Predictably Jake rang her in his lunch break to find out more.
‘It was great,’ she told him. ‘I saw Caitlin, she said you’d spoken to her, which was really useful because I didn’t have to explain anything in front of the children.’
‘How about security?’
‘It’s excellent, and they seem to have wonderful facilities. And they have space, which is a miracle, apparently, but someone’s just left so we got lucky.’
‘What did Matilda make of it at first?’
‘She was a bit wary, but after she’d found her feet a little she loved it, and so did Jake. We played for ages, and the other children seemed happy, which was good to see. I’ve been quite worried about it because I’ve never left Zach with anyone except Pete’s parents, and that’s only been for an hour or so to have my hair cut or go to the dentist, but I don’t think I need to worry about him at all or you about Matilda.’
‘No, thanks for sending me that photo, it’s delicious.’
‘It is, but I had to drag them away. Neither of them wanted to leave. I had to bribe them with feeding the ducks.’
He chuckled. ‘Yeah, the ducks can be quite handy. Well,
