indeed.
* * *
Damn him!
Ellie stood beside the phone, arms tightly crossed, trying to hold herself together, determined she wouldn’t allow her disappointment to spill over into tears. She’d shed enough tears over Joe Madden to last two lifetimes.
It had taken considerable courage to ring him. She was proud she’d made the first move. But what had she expected? Warmth and delight from Joe?
What a fool she could be.
If Joe came to Karinya, it would be to sign the papers and nothing more. He would be businesslike and distant with her and with Jacko. How on earth had she once fallen for such a cold man?
Blinking and swiping at her eyes, Ellie walked softly through the house to the door to Jacko’s room. Her little boy slept with a night light—an orange turtle with a purple and green spotted bow tie—and in the light’s glow she could see the golden sheen of his hair, the soft downy curve of his baby-plump cheek.
He looked small and vulnerable when he was asleep, but in the daytime he was a ball of energy, usually good-natured and sunny, and gleefully eager to embrace life—the life he’d been granted so miraculously.
Ellie knew Joe would melt when he saw him. Surely?
Perhaps Joe sensed this possibility. Perhaps he was afraid?
Actually, that was probably close to the truth. The Joe Madden she remembered would rather face a dangerous enemy intent on death and destruction than deal with his deepest emotions.
Ellie sighed. This next phase of her life wasn’t going to be easy, but she was determined to be strong while she and Joe sorted out the ground rules for their future. The impending divorce had been hanging over them for years like an axe waiting to fall. Now, she just wanted it to be over. Finalised.
But she planned to handle the arrangements with dignity and good sense, and she aimed to be mature and evolved in all her dealings with Joe.
It probably helped that they were more or less strangers now.
* * *
This was a bad idea. Crazy.
The more Joe paced in his motel room, the more he was sure that going back to the homestead was a risk he didn’t want to take. Of course he was curious to see his son, but he’d always anticipated that his final meeting with Ellie would be in a lawyer’s office. Somewhere neutral, without memories attached.
Going back to Karinya was bound to be painful, for a thousand different reasons.
He had to remember all the sane and sensible reasons why he’d suggested the divorce, beginning with the guilty knowledge that he’d more or less trapped Ellie into marriage in the first place.
The unexpected pregnancy, their hasty marriage followed by a miscarriage and a host of fertility issues.
Now, since Jacko’s arrival, the goalposts had shifted, but Joe had no illusions about a reconciliation with Ellie. After four years in the Army, he was a hardened realist and he’d seen too much injury and death to believe in second chances.
Of course, today hadn’t been the only time Joe had landed back in Australia to find himself the sole father in his unit with no family to greet him. He was used to seeing his mates going home with their wives and kids, knowing they were sharing meals and laughter, knowing they were making love to their wives, while he paced in an empty motel room.
Until today, his return visits had always been temporary, a short spot of leave before he was back in action. This time, it was unsettling to know he wouldn’t be going back to war. His four years of service were over.
Yeah, of course he was lucky to still be alive and uninjured. And yet, tonight, after one phone conversation with Ellie, Joe didn’t want to put a name to how he felt, but it certainly wasn’t any version of lucky.
Of course, if he hadn’t been so hung up on leaving a widow’s pension for her, they would have been divorced years ago when they’d first recognised that their marriage was unsalvageable. They could have made a clean break then, and by now he would have well and truly adjusted to his single status.
Almost certainly, there wouldn’t have been a cute complication named Jackson Joseph Madden.
Jacko.
Joe let out his breath on a sigh, remembering his excitement on the day the news of his son’s birth came through. It had been such a miracle! He’d even broken his habitual silence about his personal life and had made an announcement in the mess. There’d been cheering and table-thumping and back slaps, and he’d passed his phone around with the photos that Ellie had sent of a tiny red-faced baby boy wrapped in a blue and white blanket.
He’d almost felt like a regular proud and happy new father.
Later, on leave, when his mates quizzed him about Ellie and Jacko, he was able to use the vast distance between the Holsworthy Base and their Far North Queensland cattle station as a valid excuse for his family’s absence.
Now that excuse no longer held.
He and Ellie had to meet and sign the blasted papers. He supposed it made sense to travel up to Karinya straight away.
It wouldn’t be a picnic, though, seeing Ellie again and looking around the property they’d planned to run together, not to mention going through another meeting with the son he would not help Ellie to raise.
And, afterwards, Joe would be expected to go home to his family’s cattle property in Central Queensland, where his mother would smother him with sympathy and ply him with questions about the boy.
As an added hurdle, Christmas was looming just around the corner, bringing with it a host of emotional trapdoors.
Surely coming home should be easier than this?
WHEN ELLIE’S PHONE rang early next morning, Jacko was refusing to eat his porridge and he was banging his spoon on his high chair’s tray, demanding. ‘Eggie,’ at the top of his voice.
For weeks now, Nina, the nanny, had supervised Jacko’s breakfast while Ellie was out at the crack of dawn, delivering supplements to the cattle and checking on the newborn calves and their mothers.
Now Nina was in Cairns with her family for Christmas and as the phone trilled, Ellie shot a despairing glance to the rooster-shaped kitchen wall clock. No one she knew would call at this early hour.
Jacko shrieked again for his boiled egg.
Ellie was already in a bad mood when she answered. ‘Hello? This is Karinya.’
‘Good morning.’ It was Joe, sounding gruff and businesslike. Very military.
‘Good morning, Joe.’ Behind Ellie, Jacko wailed, ‘Eggie,’ more loudly than ever.
‘Would Friday suit?’
She
