spell ensued.
“He sounds like a wise man who knew you had to find your own path. Tony’s two brothers who wanted to be police officers instead of firemen got a lot of flack from the rest of the family, especially from their father. He thought there was no other way to live, but two of his sons had other ideas. It has left resentments that seem to deepen.”
“That’s too bad. How did he handle Tony going into the Marines?”
“He didn’t like it. But by then Tony was a firefighter and planned to come back to it when he got out of the service. As long as his sons fell in line, he was happy. To this day, he’s still angry with the other two. He needed to take lessons from your grandfather.”
“Unfortunately nothing removes my guilt. I was his only family left.”
“It sounds like he wanted you to be happy. That was more important to him. He took on a sacred trust when he took over your upbringing. I feel the same way now that Tony’s gone. It’s up to me to guide my son. I’m terrified I’ll make mistakes. What worries me is the struggle Johnny’s going to have later on.”
“In what way?”
“His grandfather will expect him to grow up and take his place among the Baretta firefighters. Imagine his shock when we go home and Johnny announces he’s going to be a cowboy like his friend Carson when he grows up.”
Her comment seemed to remove some of the stress lines around his mouth that could grow hard or soft depending on his emotions. “These are early days, Tracy. Your son’s going to go through a dozen different stages before he becomes a man.”
She moaned. “Let’s hope he doesn’t end up suffering from your problem.”
His brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”
Tracy looked through the back window to make sure the children were all right.
“I’ve been keeping an eye on them,” he murmured, reading her mind again. Of course he had. He had a handle on everything, inspiring confidence in everyone, old or young.
“I don’t want Johnny to be afraid to reach out for his dreams for fear of leaving me on my own. He’s especially aware of it since learning I lost my parents at eighteen. Sometimes he shows signs of being overly protective. A few months ago he told me he would never leave me and planned to take care of me all my life.”
“There’s a sweetness in that boy.”
“Don’t I know it, but I refuse to exploit it. That’s one of the main reasons why I decided to accept your invitation to come to the ranch. If I don’t help him to live life the way he should, then I’m failing as a mother. You and your friends have done a greater service for our family than you can possibly imagine. I know I said this before. You were inspired, and I—I’m indebted to you.” Her voice caught.
He sat back in the seat. “After so much heartache, do you have any idea how much I admire you for carrying on? Tell me something. How did you continue to function after your parents were killed? I can’t imagine losing them both at the same time.”
“We had fantastic neighbors and friends at our church. Between them and my close friends, they became my support group and helped me while I was in college. Then I met Tony and was swept into his family.”
He cast her a glance. “Swept off your feet, too?”
She nodded. “Natalie, my sister-in-law who’s married to Joe, one of the out-of-favor police officers in the family, has become my closest friend. They have an eight-year-old son, Cory, who gets along famously with Johnny. I’ve been very blessed, so I can’t complain.”
After a silence Carson said, “What’s the other reason you decided to accept our offer?”
“To be honest, I was becoming as much of a recluse as Johnny.” She told him about the Mother’s Day flower. “Your letter jerked me out of the limbo I’d been wallowing in. Once I caught sight of the Tetons in the brochure, I lost my breath. Like your stomach that flew around in the air for a week after your first flight with your grandpa, I haven’t been able to get my breath back since.”
“After a visit to the Tetons, some people remain in that state.”
“Especially you, who came home from war struggling for yours. You and your friends have paid a heavy price. I admire you more than you know.”
She’d been struggling, too, but it was from trying to keep her distance from him, which was turning out to be impossible. Tracy didn’t understand everything going on inside him, but she realized that keeping her distance from him would be the wrong thing to do at the moment. Johnny was beginning to thrive. In a strange way she recognized they were all emotionally crippled because of the war and needed each other to get stronger.
“Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
“Go ahead.”
“Why isn’t there a Mrs. Lundgren?”
“You wouldn’t like to hear the truth.”
“Try me.”
“The psychiatrist at the hospital did an evaluation on all of us. That was his first question to me. When I told him I preferred new adventures to being tied down, he told me I was an angry man.”
“Angry—you?”
Carson laughed. “That was my response, too. He told me that was a crock. He said I’d been angry all my life because my parents died. That anger took the form of flight, whether it was sports, travel, the military. He said I was too angry to settle down. But with this illness that cramped my style, it was time I came to grips with it and let it go, or I’d self-destruct.”
“And have you let it go?”
“I’m trying, but when I think of what I did to my grandfather, I can’t forgive myself. There’s so much I’ve wanted to say to him.”
“Don’t you think he knew why you were struggling? Did he ever try to talk to you about it?”
“Thousands of times, but I always told him we’d talk later. Of course that never happened. Then the opportunity was gone.”
“As my in-laws used to tell me when I wallowed in grief over my parents’ death, ‘You’ll be together in heaven and can talk everything over then, Tracy.’ I’ve come to believe that. One day you’ll have that talk with your grandfather.”
“I’d like to believe it, but you’ve got more faith than I have.”
Tracy sat there, pained for him and unable to do anything about it. Quiet reigned inside the cab as they drove through the sage. The children, on the other hand, were whooping it up, firing their cap guns. Johnny was becoming her exuberant child again. She had to pray it wasn’t solely because of Carson.
The Harris family couldn’t have come to the ranch at a better time. Tracy would involve them in as many activities as possible, because every new distraction helped.
As they drove around to the front of the ranch house, a cowboy with an impressive physique whom she hadn’t seen before stood talking to some guests.
