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Mudlark
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
First published by Mudlark 2019
FIRST EDITION
Text © Joel Golby 2019
Cover and chapter illustrations © Bill Bragg 2019
Cover layout design by Claire Ward © HarperCollinsPublishers 2019
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library
Joel Golby asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
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Source ISBN: 9780008265403
Ebook Edition © February 2019 ISBN: 9780008265434
Version 2019-01-31
This book is dedicated to Sacha Fernando,
who gave me an iPad once. This is the deal.
We are even now.
CONTENTS
THINGS YOU ONLY KNOW IF BOTH YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD
24 STORIES FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT
WAYNE ROONEY IS THE MAIN ANTAGONIST OF MY LIFE
THAT TIME I INVENTED SITTING DOWN
I WILL NEVER BE AS TOUGH AS PITBULL
I WENT TO BARCELONA AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS HANDJOB FROM A SEX ROBOT
HEY: AM I A LEATHER JACKET GUY?
My parents are dead and all I can think about is how to sell this house that they left behind. It’s me and my sister in a room without curtains – we had to take down the curtains to decorate, so the sunlight is pooling in, and nothing looks more naked than a house stripped and moved around when the person who lived in it died, and no more is that
