‘I suppose it could work...but not... We share the house, but not the bedroom.’
The conversation came to a halt; a nerve clenched and unclenched in his cheek. ‘And what is that meant to prove?’
‘You said you’d cook breakfast and it was my decision.’
‘It is.’ It was just not the one he’d wanted or expected to hear.
‘I want more.’
He began to walk towards her with a slow, deliberate tread, a gleam in his eyes. ‘I can give you more.’
The leashed power in him made her senses spin. ‘I know you can, but...’ She backed away, hand up in a defensive gesture, but as the things she was defending herself against were all inside her the gesture was pretty useless.
‘But what?’ When she said nothing he added, ‘Marry me.’
Biting her lip, Lily felt her determination waver just as he added, ‘For Emmy.’ As if it were the winning argument, not knowing ironically that it was what gave her the strength to shake her head.
If she was to survive loving Ben and having him in her life for Emmy’s sake, Lily knew she had to distance herself, emotionally and physically—the two were interlinked. ‘I just don’t think you’ve thought this through.’
He dragged a hand through his hair, leaving it spiked as he sat back on the bed. ‘I’ve thought about little else!’
‘I know you love Emmy and you’ve planned all this.’ Her gesture encompassed the room and beyond. ‘You want to make up for lost time. But I don’t want to play at happy families. Ben, when I get married I want it to be for the right reasons.’
‘Last night felt pretty right to me.’
‘That was sex. We can share the parenting. This is a big house...’
He turned his head slowly. ‘You think we can share this house and not a bed?’
‘We can be civilised...’
He rose to his feet and towered over her not looking at all civilised, looking primitive and raw. She struggled to catch her breath—he was awesome.
‘Speak for yourself,’ he growled. His expression toughened as he came to a decision. ‘The only promise I’m making is I won’t knock on your door in the middle of the night.’
‘You think I will?’ she exclaimed. ‘You think I’m that desperate?’
He gave a slow smile. ‘Oh, yeah, quite definitely.’
Her chin went up. ‘I’m not that person.’ Oh, yes, said the voice in her head, you are, Lily. You really are.
Lily was going to have a chance to find out sooner than she had anticipated. It was two days later that Emmy’s discharge was agreed.
The discharge papers were signed, the outpatient appointment booked, but there was a last-minute rush when the medication Emmy needed had not come up from the pharmacy.
Lily was in the middle of packing when the nurse who had been sent for them appeared.
‘Sorry about the delay, but I’ve got them now.’
‘Don’t worry, I still haven’t finished packing. I’ve no idea how we accumulated this much stuff in a few weeks,’ Lily huffed, trying to stuff Emmy’s favourite blanket into the open bag while she balanced her daughter on one hip, a task made more difficult by the tingle on the back of her neck that told her Ben was back in the room.
He handled delays, or anything that smacked in his opinion of incompetence, badly, so in the end she’d begged him to go walk it off because him glowering was not helping.
‘Here, let me help you.’ The nurse took Emmy and handed her to Ben, saying, ‘Dad can hold her.’
Lily straightened up in time to see her daughter pull her father’s lip, twisting the skin experimentally between her small fingers.
‘Emmy, that hurts!’ Lily knew from experience that it did.
‘Aww, kiss Dada better...’ cooed the nurse.
The baby landed a damp smack on Ben’s cheek and giggled. ‘Dada, Dada...’
Above their daughter’s head she met Ben’s eyes. The emotion she saw there made her throat close over until she closed her eyes and felt a tear squeeze out. Damn, she had spent the last two days building her walls and one look and they were gone.
Share a house? He was right: it was insanity!
Two weeks later Lily had changed her mind. The only insane thing here was her. It had been building up, but the actual crisis point came as she was sniffing a sweater that Ben had left slung untidily on a chair.
‘What are you doing?’ she asked herself.
She could have the man and she was sniffing his clothing like some sort of...addict! If this went on she would go insane; it was killing her!
And Ben knew it, she thought darkly. Oh, he hadn’t said anything, but she knew he did. She did not think for one minute that there was any real need for him to walk around the house half naked and brush against her the way he did. He was torturing her and... She pressed a hand to her heaving chest and closed her eyes. God, but she ached with love for him.
She sank weakly into a chair. This had been totally unrealistic, a crazy idea... Share a house...? What had she been thinking?
She hadn’t; she should have told him the truth. Oh, yes, and that would have worked—I can’t marry you, Ben, because I love you, and I know you won’t ever feel the same about me.
She gave a laugh and then stopped. Was it a joke? She was so emotionally worn down by this point, she was such a mass of hormonal craving and blind lust that once she started talking it would all come out.
And why not? she thought recklessly. Why not be honest and come clean?
Would her honesty have a price?
It didn’t matter because being around him every day and being forced to conceal her feelings was a form of slow death and anyway didn’t he deserve to know the truth?
He had asked her to marry him—didn’t he have the right to know why she had refused? And had she been right? Was she selfish wanting more? Emmy loved him; he was a great father.
Her thoughts went round in dizzying circles, until the doorbell rang. Lily leapt to her feet. Someone had their hand on the bell and she knew from bitter experience that if Emmy woke early from her nap she would be cranky all afternoon.
‘Idiot,’ she muttered before calling, ‘I’m coming!’
