At the very least, she owed him an explanation of why she wouldn’t risk staying and failing. Afterward, they could work out visitation arrangements and do their best to ensure the babies had a relationship with their father.
But she had a feeling Nick wasn’t going to make it easy to leave him.
She glanced at him now, the strong column of his throat emerging from the collar of his charcoal dress shirt, his mouth that she knew from experience could take her to heaven, dark eyes that were smoldering as they watched her... She tore her gaze away and looked down at her place setting. Leaving this man would never be easy.
In the car, as if by unspoken consent, they’d tabled the discussion about their situation and instead talked about the town and people they both knew. But now they were at the restaurant, and Harper didn’t want to put it off any longer. She needed to let him know where she stood before he started his pitch.
“Nick,” she began then paused to find some air for her lungs. “This is not how I pictured having my first baby.”
“It’s not how I pictured having my second and third, but we can make it work.” He seemed so sure, so confident he could make things right, and that broke her heart.
A waiter brought the two glasses of sparkling water they’d ordered, and Harper took a sip, both to help her dry mouth and to wait until they were alone again to resume the conversation.
“I need to explain something.” She tucked her hair behind her ear and met his gaze. “I grew up in a broken home. My mother did a great job, but some experiences will leave a mark. I made a vow that I’d never subject a child to the same pain, confusion and self-blame that I felt growing up.”
He cocked his head to the side, surveying her. “You don’t come across as someone who’s riddled with doubts.”
“How do I come across?” she asked, despite herself. She didn’t want to be sidetracked, but she was suddenly very interested in his opinion of her.
“When Malcolm talked about our attorney, he always said you were a go-getter. Someone who doesn’t back down for anyone or anything. Of course, I didn’t connect you to the person he was talking about until last night, but I’d have to say my initial assessment of you is the same.”
That was the image she’d tried to project. More than that, it was the person she’d worked hard to become. But life was always more complicated than that.
She shrugged one shoulder. “Appearances can be deceiving. The tough persona is an invisible armor I developed against being abandoned and rejected.” She hesitated, unsure how far to expose herself. But it was fair that he knew, that he understood. Despite her body wanting to fold itself up into a ball, she straightened her spine and went on. “It started back when my father left. The night he went, he was angry, maybe it was defensive, I don’t know, but he took it out on me as well as my mother. My last memories of him are him yelling at me in our living room then walking out the door.”
And despite the yelling, she’d followed him and thrown herself on the lawn outside, sobbing as his car drove away. She closed her eyes for long moments, trying to contain the emotions the memory always stirred up. The only sound was the clink of dishes from other tables and a low hum of distant conversation. She was almost scared to open her eyes in case she’d said too much. Given too much information too soon.
But she did open them and found Nick’s understanding gaze resting on her.
He drew in a deep breath. “God, Harper.”
She shook her head. “Believe me, I’m not telling you this for sympathy. In fact I haven’t told a soul that story before.”
“Then why are you telling me?” he asked.
“The thing is, that night triggered something for me. I don’t handle abandonment well, and I’ve never been able to move past it.” In fact, she’d been repeating the pattern through poor choices in men, dating guys who turned out to be commitment-shy to say the least. And so the cycle had continued. Being aware of what she was doing hadn’t helped her stop it. “Knowing how debilitating fears like that can be and how instability when you’re young can have lifelong effects, I’ve always wanted my children to only know the love and security of an intact family unit. That’s not an option now, but I still need to do the best I can to make the household they grow up in secure.”
“You don’t have to leave to get that. We can do that right here.”
“I’ll never keep them from you, Nick. I know how tough it can be to be separated from family members. But these babies are going to need a stable unit around them. You and I can try to work something out, but let’s be realistic. We’ve just met.”
“Sure, we just met,” he said, gaze not faltering. “But we’re not your garden variety of strangers. We’re expecting babies together, Harper. Unusual circumstances call for unusual measures.”
His reasoning was compelling, but still...
She lifted the spoon in her place setting and turned it in her fingers as she composed her thoughts, then lined it up neatly with the other cutlery again. “I wasn’t ready for one baby, let alone two, and I know I’ll have trouble coping with two babies with absolutely no experience. My mother will be there for us. Full-time. I’m really sorry, but the right thing for these babies is for me to move back to Connecticut.”
The waiter came by and, after telling them the specials, took their order. Once he left, Nick picked up the conversational thread again.
“I appreciate you telling me that. It couldn’t have been easy.” He squared his shoulders. “And I’ll be as honest with you in return. You need to know that I have post-traumatic stress disorder from my time in the Middle East, and I’ve pretty much been living as a hermit since I got back. But I’m changing things.” Frown lines appeared across his forehead. “I need to change things. My ex-wife is getting remarried, and she wants me to sign over my parental rights to our three-year-old daughter.”
“That’s crazy,” Harper said, her lawyer’s sense of justice kicking in. “Why would she want to keep a father and child from seeing each other?”
He speared his fingers through his hair. “She’s claiming my PTSD is making me an unfit father.”
“Is it?” she asked and tried not to hold her breath as she waited for the answer.
“No.” His voice was clear and sure. “I might be screwing up a heap of things in my life, but Ellie isn’t one of them. I’d do anything for her. Plus, she needs her father. She needs me. But—” he winced “—having two babies on the way with someone I’m not in a relationship with will probably damage my case.”
“Oh, Nick.” She hadn’t thought the situation could be any more complex. She’d been wrong.
“There’s something else we need to consider. With Maverick active and causing people real grief, this is a secret that may be released at an inopportune time.”
Maverick. She hadn’t even considered herself a possible target before—there had been nothing juicy enough in her life to interest him—but now she was just the sort of target he seemed to like. “If he announces that I’m pregnant by the boss, it would reflect badly on Tate Armor. It has the whiff of a workplace tinged by sexual harassment.”
