eyes widened. “That’s great. That’s exactly what you should do.”
What she didn’t say was, It will be good for you to pour all your anguish into something creative.
“Plus, it will give us plenty of time to photograph your work. So, can I take the sunflower with me, Van Gogh?”
“Sure.”
I watched my sister walk over and carefully pick up the painting and study it again.
Was it this kind of anguish that caused Van Gogh to cut off his ear?
What would Blake do if I sent him my bloodied ear all wrapped up nice and neat in a pretty little package? I could put an orchid on top of the box.
Nah. He wasn’t worth it.
“Is the paint still wet?” Rita asked.
“Nope. That’s the beauty of acrylics.”
I tried not to get my hopes up, but I thought if I sold a few paintings, it would help offset the cost of the studio. I wouldn’t be able to afford it when Blake and I divorced. Because I was sure once he saw how I’d sheared the blooms from his beloved orchids, he’d go for the jugular, saying I had to pay the rent on my studio because he couldn’t afford it, knowing damn good and well I couldn’t, either.
“I’ll tell you what,” Rita said. “Why don’t you spend the rest of the week painting, and I’ll come over Saturday to shoot the fruits of your labor.”
“Saturday? Don’t you have plans with Fred?”
“Fred knows I’m on standby right now.”
I rolled my eyes. Sweet of her, but I didn’t want to become her charity case. “I’m fine, Rita. Really. In fact, I’m sure I can go to Target and purchase a roll of slide film and shoot them myself. Does Target sell slide film?”
“No, Target does not sell slide film. That shows what you know. Fred already has his heart set on golfing this weekend. So you’re stuck with me.”
Tuesday Blake came over for dinner. I hadn’t seen him since we’d called Ben on Sunday, and I was a little nervous about the orchids massacre. But we needed to talk—to discuss money, who’d get what. All the things soon-to-be-divorced people talked about.
Nothing like a divorce to jump start the conversation. In fact, we had so much to talk about, I figured I could tell him I’d watered the plants and then distract him with conversation to keep him out of the greenhouse. It would work for now, and I’d make a point to be out of the house when he came to pick up the plants.
I wanted to meet in a restaurant. A nice, neutral, public place where things wouldn’t get too intense (translate: far away from the orchids).
He insisted we meet at the house. Since he’d moved out, he wanted to look at everything and start making lists.
Lists?
Okay. Right. Lists.
That wasn’t nearly as unsettling as when he said he hoped this was the first step to us becoming friends since we’d be forever connected by our son.
It just smacked of an HBO movie: My Best Friend Is My Gay Ex-Husband.
The absurdity really hit me as we sat in the dining room at our usual opposite ends of the long mahogany table. The dinnertime arrangement seemed natural when Ben was at home filling the empty space in the middle. We’d grown so accustomed to our places, when Ben left for college six months earlier, it never occurred to us to change.
To move closer.
Blake was his usual nontalkative self, but it was bizarre sitting there as we had countless times over the years, eating my homemade potato-leek soup, the ominous strains of Wagner filling the silence.
He looked so indifferent sitting there as if he belonged at my table. Sitting there in a clumsy, conversation-free standoff, I thought, This is the man I married, the father of my child, but I might as well have been staring at a stranger. Had he suffered at least a modicum of embarrassment or regret over the scandal? Had he lost clients? Was the thrill worth public humiliation and losing his family?
I was so nonplussed by his nonchalance that I meant to take a bite of soup, but instead the words “How long have you known you’re gay?” rolled from my mouth like a piece of errant chewing gum.
“Annabelle.” His tone was reprimanding, a blend of shock and annoyance, but he looked at me for the first time that evening, his soupspoon poised in midair.
The look on his face made me crazy.
“What? Does the word gay offend you? Do you prefer homosexual or another more veiled term? Tell me, Blake, because I’d like to know something before the rest of metro Orlando finds out.”
His eyes flashed and he glared at me for the span of one deep sigh, before lowering his spoon. “I suppose I’ve known for quite some time.”
The unflinching touché of words knocked the breath out of me. Reality slammed down between us like a thick sheet of ice. All I could do was stare at him through the surreal haze until he averted his gaze and resumed eating.
Hello? How could he eat at a time like this?
“If you’ve known for quite some time, why didn’t you clue me in?”
He didn’t answer me, but continued spooning soup into his expressionless face. I pushed away my bowl, and the creamy contents splashed over the rim. “All along I wrote it off that you were simply a man who was in touch with his feminine side. But you know, now that I think about it, it might as well have been written in big, bold script across the bedroom wall. How could I have not known?”
He shrugged and hunched over his bowl a little more, tuning me out. I had questions, and he was going to answer them. So I raised my voice.
“Living with you all these years, what did that make me, Blake? An idiot? Your beard? A fag hag?” Somewhere through the icy miasma of my anger I saw him set down his spoon.
He cleared his throat. “I thought we could discuss this like rational adults, but apparently we can’t.” He dabbed the corners of his mouth with his napkin. “I’ll have my attorney contact yours. But in the meantime, I thought you should know so you can start making plans. We’re going to have to sell the house or you’ll have to buy me out.”
“Talk to my attorney.” Don’t have one yet. “I don’t want to move and I shouldn’t have to buy you out, either. My standard of living should not change because your lifestyle did.”
His chair didn’t make a sound as he pushed away from the table and stood. He hesitated for a moment. I saw his throat work in a swallow as his long, manicured fingers worried a button on his shirt. I fully expected him to say something. Instead, he turned and walked out.
A dull ache spread through me as I watched the tall, slim man I’d tried so desperately to make love me disappear into the other room.
A few minutes later or maybe it was a few hours later—who knows how long I sat there contemplating the ruins of our life—I heard
