even the baby?”
She placed her hand on her belly. “Not even the baby. They told me it would be too hard to look at him or her and know Joshua wasn’t here.”
“You’ve got to be kidding!” Ryan’s hands tightened on the steering wheel.
“No. That isn’t something that I would kid about.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So am I. But I just think of it as their loss. If that’s the way they feel, then it wouldn’t ever be healthy for the baby to be around them. We’ll be better off without them.”
Ryan looked at the house one more time. By its appearance, the baby would be well cared for and loved. “I’ll see you to the door.”
“That’s not necessary.” She opened the car door.
He climbed out and hurried around the automobile. She’d started to her feet. He held out a hand. After a second she accepted it. His larger one swallowed her smaller one. Hers was soft and smooth, very feminine. So very different from his. A few seconds later she seemed to gather strength. She removed her hand from his and stood taller.
“Come on, I’ll see you to the door.” Even to his own ears it sounded as if he was ready to get rid of her.
“I’ll be fine. You’ve already helped enough by driving me home.” She started up the walk lined with flowers and stopped, then looked back at him. “I’m sorry to have bothered you.”
Ryan waited to see if she would turn around again, but she didn’t. When the light went out on the porch he pulled away from the curb.
Phoebe closed the door behind her with a soft click. Through the small window she saw the lights of Ryan’s car as he drove off.
What had she expected? That he would immediately say, “I’ll take care of you, I’ll be there for you”? She moved through the house without turning any lights on. She knew where every piece of furniture and every lamp was located. With the exception of the few times that Joshua had been home during their marriage, no one had lived with her. Nothing was ever moved unless she did it.
Their marriage had consisted mostly of them living apart. They had met when she was eighteen and fresh out of school. The tall, dark man dressed in a uniform had taken her breath away. Joshua had made it clear what it would be like, being married to a serviceman, and she had been willing to take on that life. She was strong and could deal with it.
It hurt terribly that his parents had said they wouldn’t be around to help her with the baby. He or she needed grandparents in their life. With her parents gone they were the only ones. She’d been devastated when she’d received the letter stating they would not be coming around. They had sent some money. Phoebe had thought about returning it but had decided to start a fund at the bank for the baby instead. Not knowing their grandchild would be their loss.
For her the baby was about having a small part of Joshua still in her life. Her hope was that Joshua’s parents might change their minds. Either way, right now she was on her own. Not a feeling she enjoyed. In a moment of weakness she’d gone to Ryan’s house, but she didn’t plan to let him know how bone deep the hurt was that Joshua’s parents wanted nothing to do with her. How lonely she was for someone who’d known and loved Joshua.
She turned on the lamp beside her bed and glanced at the picture of her and Joshua smiling. They’d been married eight years but had spent maybe a year together in total. That had been a week or two here, or a month there. They had always laughed that their marriage was like being on vacation instead of the day in, day out experience of living together. Even their jobs had been vastly different. Joshua had found his place in the service more than with her. She’d found contentment in teaching. It had given her the normalcy and stability that being married to a husband who popped in and out hadn’t.
Each time Joshua had come home it had been like the first heart-pounding, whirlwind and all-consuming first love that had soon died out and become the regular thud of everyday life. They’d had to relearn each other and getting in the groove had seemed harder to achieve. As they’d grown older they’d both seemed to pull away. She’d had her set life and routine and Joshua had invaded it when he’d returned.
Removing her clothes, she laid them over a chair and pulled her pj’s out of the chest of drawers. She groaned. The large T-shirt reminded her of a tent that she and Joshua had camped in just after they’d married. The shirt was huge and still she almost filled it.
Pulling it over her head, she rubbed her belly. The baby had been a complete surprise. She’d given up on ever having children. She and Joshua had decided not to have them since he hadn’t been home often enough. She wasn’t sure whether or not she’d cared when they’d married or if she’d believed he would leave the army and come home to stay. The idea of having a family had been pushed far into the future. It had become easier just not to consider it. So when she’d come up pregnant it had been a shock.
Her fingers went to her middle, then to her eye, pushing the moisture away. She’d grown up with the dream of having a family one day. Now she was starting a family but with half of it missing.
She pulled the covers back on the bed and climbed in between the cool sheets. Bringing the blanket up around her, she turned on her side, stuffing an extra pillow between the mattress and her tummy. The baby kicked. She laid her hand over the area, feeling the tiny heel that pushed against her side.
The last time Joshua had been home they’d even talked of separating. They’d spent so little time together she’d felt like she hadn’t even known her husband anymore. She not only carried Joshua’s baby but the guilt that he’d died believing she no longer cared. Friendship had been there but not the intense love that she should have had for a husband.
THE NEXT MORNING Ryan flipped on the light switch that lit the stairs that led down to his workshop. He’d picked out this town house because of this particular space. Because it was underground it helped block the noise of the saws from the neighbors. The area was also close to the hospital, which made it nice when he had to be there quickly.
Going down the stairs, he scanned the area. A band saw filled one corner, while stationed in the center of the room was a table saw. The area Ryan was most interested in right now was the workbench against the far wall. There lay the half-made chair that he had every intention of finishing today. He would still have to spend another few days staining it.
Picking up a square piece of sandpaper, he began running it up and down one of the curved rockers. He’d made a couple of rockers when the nursery of the hospital had needed new ones. A number of the nurses had been so impressed they’d wanted one of their own. Since then he’d been busy filling orders in his spare time.
Outside the moments when a baby was born and offered its first spirited view of the new world with a shout, being in his shop was the place he was the most happy. Far better than his life in the military.
When he could stand it no longer, he’d resigned his commission. He’d had enough of torn bodies. He ran his hand along the expanse of the wood. It was level but not quite smooth enough. Now he was doing something he loved. But thoughts of Phoebe kept intruding.
He couldn’t believe that had been Joshua’s wife at his home
