looking at me, all glassy-eyed and cheesy smiley.
‘What?’ I said, a mouthful of freezing-cold fruit.
‘I really love you, Estella Grace Newhall.’
I looked up at him. ‘I love you too, Maximus Decimus Meridius.’
‘Oi,’ he said, with a bat of eyelids. ‘I’m trying to be meaningful here.’
‘I love you too, Max Alexander Rittman.’ I couldn’t say anything else. Why did looking at that photograph make me pine so much? Me and Max weren’t even going out then, just friends; friends who knew there was buried treasure on that island, and spent years looking for it. Friends who gurned for photos, who ate chips not caring about what we weighed, not caring whether our tans were even. That’s why I loved Max, I guessed. Because of what he represented. I’d hung around with various Beckys or Laurens at school and I knew girls at the track who did the same distances, but none of them were Max. He was my constant.
‘Estella, to the last hour of my life, you cannot choose but to remain part of my character, part of the good in me, part of the evil…’
I couldn’t help it – I laughed. I was glad for the break in the tension in my throat. ‘You did not just come up with that.’
‘No, it’s from Great Expectations. I memorised it.’
‘My dad named me after her from that book.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Yeah. We’re all named after Dickens characters. David, Oliver, then me. Apparently Estella’s a right bitch in the book too.’ I laughed an ugly laugh and I hated myself for it.
‘You’re always so hard on yourself.’
‘It’s the athlete in me. Nothing’s ever good enough. Everything can be improved.’
‘How come I didn’t know that about your name?’
I swallowed as tears stung my eyes. Luckily, he didn’t seem to notice. ‘There’s lots of things you don’t know about me.’
Stroking my hand, he stared at me. There was meaning in that stare. I tensed up, flaring with realisation; tonight wasn’t just about ‘marking the occasion’. This was a prelude – he wanted us to try sex again. Here. Tonight. I pulled away.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing.’ I scratched my arm. ‘My hives are up. I had a satsuma earlier, it’s probably that. I need to cool down. Do you fancy a dip in the pool?’
‘Sure.’ He blew out the Yankee Candle and we both scraped back our chairs on the hardwood floor and walked out of the café, through the sliding doors and into the night.
Hidden between all the rose beds and ferns, bronze statues, ceramic ladybirds and smirking Buddhas, lay the large rectangular pool with the statue in the middle; a laughing pearl fisherman, spouting water from his ears. It all looked so beautiful, lit by outdoor nightlights, making the water look as appealing as an icy blue cocktail on a hot beach. People had thrown coins in, and the bottom was green with algae in patches, but otherwise it was quite clear. A string of lights that looked like blue ice cubes hung around the edge of the pool.
Max had known me when I swam – in the days when my dad used to call me ‘Little Fish’ because I could hold my breath underwater for a whole minute. Now, I was ‘Volcano Girl’ – the Commonwealth Games hopeful with a county record for the 400 metres. In the days before dieting and 6 a.m. jogs got their claws into me, I’d loved to swim. But I didn’t even own a costume any more. And Dad hadn’t called me Little Fish for years.
‘Good idea, this,’ said Max, kicking off his trainers and ruffling his socks down over his feet. ‘I didn’t shower after football.’ He pulled his T-shirt up over his back. I took off my top and skirt, until I had on only my black sports bra and Snoopy knickers. It never used to bother me that my underwear didn’t match.
I got in as Max lowered himself beneath the surface. I watched his body shimmer through the blue water until he bobbed up in front of me with a smile, a dolphin expecting chum. He put his hands on the ledge, either side of me.
‘Hello,’ he said, droplets of water peppering his skin all over.
‘It’s colder than I thought.’ I shivered. His hair looked darker when it was wet.
‘Your rash any better?’
I looked down at my elbow creases. ‘Yeah.’
I hugged him towards me and we stayed like that until he pulled back and kissed me in a desperate smash of lips and tongues and teeth. I wanted to lie down with him and just kiss, stroking his bare back like I sometimes did. I liked the feel of his body against me, and I felt safe, holding him. That was all I wanted to do. But he wanted more. He was so ready. I’d thought that if I kissed him long enough I would be ready too—that I’d get the feeling. The hunger. The throb between my legs. But it wasn’t there. There was something in the way.
‘Come on,’ I said, and started moving away from him, climbing out of the pool.
‘Where are we going now?’ he said.
‘Where do you think?’ I said, reaching over for his hand.
He scrunched his face up. ‘I better stay here. Got a kind of – situation going on.’
‘It’s because of that. Come on.
We padded through to Garden Furnishings to grab some picnic blankets, and then back out between the foliage towards the sheds, like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. We chose a two-storey Wendy house with window boxes then we spread out the blankets on the floor and lay down. Our breaths were hot. Our skin was wet. He moved on top of me and kissed me all over my face, gentle as a moth bumping a light bulb.
‘You’re shaking like a jelly,’ he chuckled.
‘I’m fine. I’m just cold.’
Maybe it would be all right this time. It was no big deal. Everyone did it. I stroked across the span of his back, his skin as soft as catmint.
Before my brain could catch up with my body, I moved him away and reached down to peel off my wet Snoopy pants. I flung them outside the shed and they landed with a splat on the path. It would be all right.
‘Are you sure you want to?’ Smiling like Christmas had just arrived, he started wriggling out of his boxers.
‘Come on, quickly. Before I change my mind.’
I couldn’t have felt less in the mood than if he was measuring me up for my coffin.
‘Why do we have to be quick? We’ve got all night.’
‘Before I lose my nerve then,’ I laughed, and shuffled back underneath him. I didn’t want to think too much about it this time. I just wanted it done.
‘Ella, if you don’t want to . . .’
‘No I do, I do want to. Please. Come on.’
‘I
