lost a big scholarship and at eighteen—well, it felt like my life was over. Gram was there for that. She was the one who stepped in and made it right. It was the lowest I ever remember being until...”
“Until Julie died?”
“Yes.” She breathed out the word with relief. “Julie was the first person I’d trusted in a long time. We were like sisters only without all the drama.” She gave a small smile. “Losing her was...”
They watched the lights a little longer, until Blake interrupted the silence, carrying on with her last thought as if there’d never been a break in the conversation.
“Only you didn’t really grieve. Which is why you reacted the way you did when you saw me.”
“You know it is.” She finished the last mouthful of lukewarm chocolate and tucked her mug back into the basket. “But, Blake, I stopped thinking about your scar after the first few days. It’s not all there is to you. I know that. You’re so much more. You’re...” She stopped before she could say everything.
“Maybe you’re more than your scars, too, Hope. Have you considered that?”
She swallowed thickly. “Of course I’ve considered it.”
“But you’re afraid?”
“Wouldn’t you be?”
They sat in silence for a few more moments.
“I think I need to start doing that, Blake. Grieving for Julie, I mean. She came from a messed-up family, too. She respected that there was stuff I just didn’t talk about. She didn’t expect anything of me, which was a revelation. I let myself rely on her, and then she was gone.”
Really gone. No second chances, forever gone.
The stars blurred and the lights disappeared as she blinked rapidly. “After the funeral I had to go home and pack up her things. I had to meet with her mother and send everything back. I had to go home to an empty apartment every night. I missed her.” She swiped her hand over her face. “I do miss her. And I’m angry.”
Blake put his arm around her and held her close against his side. “Angry with her for leaving?”
“Of course! That’s what people do, Blake. They teach you to love them and count on them and then they leave. It’s not worth it.”
“Of course it is. It just hurts. It hurts when I think of Brad, but I can’t imagine not having those years with him, not having those memories. Not everyone leaves, Hope. You’ve just had more than your share.”
“The last week or so has been good for me,” she admitted. “But it’s a small bit of time. Temporary. It’s not really my life. I needed it, yes. But now I have to figure out what comes next. Some of that is reconnecting with my family.”
“And after that?”
“I don’t know.”
She really didn’t. She had her job and her apartment in Sydney, but the thought of it seemed empty and lonely now. There would be no Gram. No Blake. No one who really mattered.
He took her mittened hands in his. “Come back.”
“What?” Her gaze darted to his and she found his eyes dark and utterly earnest.
“Come back. I don’t have all the answers, but I don’t want tomorrow to be goodbye forever. There’s something between us, Hope. I know you’ve felt it, too.”
“Well, of course I felt it. But like I said, it’s temporary.”
“Why should it have to be?” He turned in the seat and gripped her wrists. “I’ve seen you with the kids, I’ve seen the way you light up. I know you’ve had a hard time of it and you’re cautious. Don’t you think I understand? This quest for perfection...it’s what you rely on. You don’t want to be disappointed. I get it. And I also know how I feel when you’re around, Hope. I light up. I haven’t felt this way in a really long time.”
“It’s just Christmas. People get all weird and sentimental at the holidays,” she answered, but her voice felt tight and choked in her throat.
The worst of it was she suspected he really did get it. And she wanted to believe him. Wanted it so badly because it meant she wouldn’t be alone.
“It’s not just Christmas,” he contradicted.
He leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers, the thick knit of their caps touching. He kissed the tip of her nose before dipping lower and kissing her lips gently, sweetly, so perfectly that she half expected Christmas angels to start singing right above the northern lights. She allowed herself a taste of him...chocolate and the nip of whiskey cream, and butter and a man. A delicious combination that was tough to resist. The problem was that Blake was perfect. And for the first time in her life she didn’t trust perfection.
“Be reasonable,” she said, pulling away from the kiss, running her tongue over her lips for one last tantalizing taste. “We’ve only known each other ten days, Blake.”
“I know, and that’s why I want you to come back. So we can figure this out.”
She shook her head, feeling the beginnings of panic settling in, cramping her chest, making it hard to breathe in the frigid air. “My job is in Sydney. My apartment is there. My life is there. I can’t just pick up and leave when I want. I have obligations.”
“Another few weeks,” he suggested. “You never vacation. You must have time coming to you.”
“And then what?” she asked, sliding away, putting inches between them.
He was going to make her say it, make it difficult, wasn’t he?
“I leave after a few more weeks and it’s even harder to say goodbye? It wouldn’t work, Blake. You’ve built something amazing here. The program is your life and it’s important. You can’t just pick up and leave either. You belong here. And I’m not crazy enough to pack up and leave my life behind after ten days of...whatever it’s been, with no guarantees.”
“And you need guarantees?” he said coldly.
“You know I do. Come on, Blake. What happens to me if suddenly it doesn’t work out? How can I give up the little security I’ve built? And what would I do? No home, no job...” She lowered her voice, leaving out the most important word...alone. “I’m not resilient enough for that.”
“Then...” He lifted his chin. “People do the long-distance thing every day.”
Her heart sank. This was not how she’d wanted things to go. She’d wanted to leave smiling and with fond memories, not with hurt feelings and...well, broken dreams seemed a little dramatic, but it was certainly feeling that way at this moment.
“Be realistic, Blake. Canada to Australia? Long distance aside, how often would we see each other? Do you know the cost of flights between Calgary and Sydney?”
“You’re not even willing to try,” he accused, sitting back against the seat of the sleigh. “You’re going to leave tomorrow and write me off, the way you write off everyone
