“Don’t bother to deny it. We all know it’s true. You’ve shut down, Jack and we don’t know how to reach you.” She leaned in and looked up into his eyes. “Will you let Rita try?”
What no one understood was, he couldn’t allow himself to be reached. Couldn’t be pulled from the shadows because the darkness was where he belonged now. He felt his own helplessness rise as he watched his sister’s face.
Jack wished he could reassure his whole family. Wished that this marriage was changing something. But the truth was, nothing had changed for him. He was who he was now and everyone would eventually accept what he already had.
The old Jack Buchanan died on his last tour.
Cass must have read the resignation on his features because she sighed, went up on her toes to kiss his cheek. “I love you, Jack. Give yourself a chance to be happy.”
He nodded again, gave her a quick hug, and then sighed in relief when she walked off to join her family. Jack looked to his father and brother as they stood with Rita’s parents, laughing and talking. There was no respite for Jack today. He’d dropped himself into a crowd. Yet he was still a man on the sidelines, watching as life went on around him.
Both families were gathered and they seemed to be getting along fine. His sister’s family, husband and two kids and his brother Sam’s group, wife and three kids, actually looked small compared to Rita’s.
Her parents, her sister and two brothers with all of their kids and spouses made quite a crowd. Her sister’s four kids, each brother had five and one of the wives was as pregnant as Rita. The Marchettis were clearly devoted to family and Jack was glad to see it. When this marriage ended, when he was out of her life, Rita would have their support to help her through.
Another straw of guilt dropped onto his shoulders and he nearly winced at the added weight. Had he done the right thing here? Marrying her with the promise to divorce in three months? Setting her up to have to explain what went wrong to a loving family who were assuming she was marrying for love? Wouldn’t it have been better to just tell everyone the truth up front?
Easier for him, maybe, he acknowledged. But for Rita? His gaze went to her and locked on with a laser focus. Tension gripped him as every cell in his body tightened, buzzing with the kind of need only she had ever awakened in him. He wanted her with every breath and knew he couldn’t have her because he had nothing to offer her. Not now.
All he could give her was this marriage and a house and the promise to stay the hell out of her way once this was done and over. She deserved at least the pretense of a real marriage for her family’s sake, he told himself. Hell, she deserved so much more than he had.
Her curly brown hair was pulled up on top of her head to cascade down past her shoulders in a riot of wind-tossed curls. She wore a long dress of some filmy material that almost seemed otherworldly. The color was a soft lavender so pale it made him think of moonlit fog. Her eyes were bright, her mouth curved in a smile as she hugged her sister. Then those aged, whiskey eyes found his and his insides fisted. He was caught in a trap of his own making.
Married to a woman he wanted and couldn’t have. Living in a shadow world, yearning for light. Wanting to bury himself inside her warmth to ease the cold that was always crouched within him. He was outside a window staring in at what he most desired, but unable to reach out and touch it.
And maybe that was his penance, he thought. The price he had to pay for living.
“You look too solemn for a man on his wedding day.”
Somehow Jack’s father had sneaked up on him. Damn. He’d been hyperalert for months, but looking at Rita was enough to distract him from everything but her.
“Just thinking,” he said.
Thomas turned to follow Jack’s gaze to Rita. “Well, I don’t know how you can look at your bride and be thinking thoughts dark enough to put a scowl on your face.”
Chagrined, Jack realized he hadn’t been paying close enough attention. He’d let his mask slip and shown people what he was feeling and that wasn’t something he wanted to happen. No point in those he loved worrying even more than they already were.
He forced a smile and hoped it looked more real than it felt. “You like her?”
Thomas smiled and slapped his back. “What’s not to like? She’s beautiful, kind and she’s giving me another grandchild.” His voice trailed off. “I only wish your mother was still here to enjoy all of these kids running around.”
Jack smiled wistfully. His mother had died five years before and had only seen a few of the grandchildren she would have enjoyed so much. “She would have loved this.”
“Yes, she would,” his father said. “But I have a feeling she’s here, somehow. I can’t imagine your mother not being around when something big was happening to one of her kids.”
True, Jack thought. And his mother never would have worried about him from afar. She would have hammered at him relentlessly until she’d dragged him kicking and screaming out of the darkness and back to where she wanted him. Carla Buchanan had been a force of nature. And Jack honestly didn’t know if he was more sad or relieved that his mom wasn’t there to see what he’d come to.
“Come on now,” his father said. “We’re all going over to The Queen Mary for the wedding brunch.”
He had to smile. Once his father had heard about the wedding, he’d insisted on taking care of a celebratory brunch. And of course, he’d arranged for a private dining room on The Queen Mary. Nothing his father liked better than ships, and in his defense, Jack was sure their out-of-town guests would enjoy visiting the historical ship.
“You go ahead,” Jack said, “I’ll be there in a minute.”
“All right then.”
Thomas walked off to join the others and Jack took a breath, steeling himself to join in, to be a part of the festivities. The stretch of beach had never looked longer to him. A cold sea wind whipped past him and tugged at the edges of his jacket. He headed for their families, but with every step he took, he felt the sand shifting beneath his feet and the sensation reminded him of too much.
Awakened too many memories that were always too close to the surface. His insides tightened and a heightened sense of awareness took over. Sounds were more defined, until he could hear shrieks from down the beach and screams that had him whirling around and crouching as if he were under fire. Then his gaze locked on a screaming girl as her boyfriend carried her into the icy water.
Heartbeat racing, hands fisting at his sides, Jack took a breath to steady himself. The wind pushed at him, but instead of scenting sea spray on the air, he smelled the stale, flat air of a desert country that had claimed too much of him. His spine stiffened, but he turned back and kept walking, determined to keep what he was feeling to himself.
To stay half in the shadows even as he pretended to be in the light.
Rita walked up to meet him and he looked into her eyes, focusing on her, only her. Staring at her, the swamping sensations nearly drowning him faded, to be replaced by a different kind of tension. She was so beautiful she stole his breath. And now she was his wife.
God help her.
