even and the fever that had ravaged his body less than a few moments past, broken.
The silence stretched around them all, the gratitude of seeing a small child’s recovery being a big part of that. His wife clasped Jamie’s hand on one side of the bed and he held the other, a link of family and vigilance and concern. Outside distant bells chimed the hour of twelve, as the night softened into quiet.
‘Would you like a cup of tea? I could go down to the kitchens and make it and then bring it back here.’
Tea? Nat would have far rather had a stiff brandy, but he wondered how she might feel about drinking in a child’s room so he nodded at the offered drink. He felt as if he had been plunged into a different world where everything was altered and extraordinary. But right somehow. He smiled at that fact.
Left alone with his son, Nathaniel observed every feature, every part of a child who had been conceived out of love. He was sleeping now, his lashes dark against his cheeks and one arm curled beneath his head. He had slept like that, too, as a child, he remembered, and smiled as he noticed a ragged teddy bear on the floor, a well-loved companion by the looks of it. Picking it up, he tucked it beside his son. Just another one of all the small moments of a childhood he had missed, he thought, and resolved not to lose more.
When Cassandra bustled back a few moments later with a tray in hand she gestured to him to follow her into a sitting room close by and then proceeded to set out the cups, sugar and milk on a table.
‘I thought if we had our tea here it would not disturb Jamie and yet we are still near enough to hear if he calls out.’ She tipped her head to listen, but no noise was forthcoming. ‘His nanny and the servants are all in their beds and I did not wish to wake them again so if you need something to eat...?’
‘Just tea would be lovely.’
A flash of humour answered him as she understood his meaning. ‘Papa does not drink at all and so our house isn’t well stocked with liquor. But I will make certain that some is brought in for you next time.’
‘Next time?’
‘Jamie wants you in his life. Even being so sick he told you he did.’
‘And what of you? Do you want me here?’
She lifted her cup carefully and looked at him directly. ‘I do.’
‘Then let us begin with that.’
The tea tasted like an elixir the way she made it with a dollop of milk and sugar. It was steadying after a night of emotion. He wondered why he had never taken to the brew before and resolved to instruct his staff to get this particular leaf into his house for drinking. Everything seemed heightened somehow: the scent of Cassandra’s perfume, the colour of her hair. The small touch of her skin against his thumb as she had handed him the cup and the earthy aroma of tea.
Tonight lust did not rule as it usually did when they met, although in truth it simmered beneath the conversation. No, this evening a shared responsibility had engendered new emotions. Contentment. Peace. Gratitude. The quieter humours that Nat had seldom experienced before. The joy of sitting in a room with family around him and being a part of a tradition that stretched back through the ages.
‘I could buy him a horse, a small one with a good temperament. One that did not kick. A safe steed.’
She smiled. ‘You cannot protect him from everything, Nathaniel. What was your first horse like?’
‘Wild. A real hellion. I learnt almost immediately where to stand and where not to.’
‘The lessons of life. These are what Jamie needs to know from you.’
‘Is it always this hard? Being a parent, I mean.’
‘From the very first moment when the midwife handed him to me my heart ceased to be my own.’
‘You had others there with you?’
‘No.’
He swore softly so that the sound of it would not inadvertently reach the ears of his son. ‘I wish I had been present.’
‘I did, too, but I thought you were dead. I looked for you in Paris and asked after you. No one had ever heard your name, of course, and you were probably already back in England. But I did not know any of that then.’
‘When you came to London you did not arrive as Mrs Colbert?’
‘I thought it too dangerous. I had no idea as to what had happened to Guy Lebansart and his men and I wanted to keep Jamie as safely away from them as I could. I thought placing your name within his would be enough for you to know what had happened if anything should go wrong with me and you were still alive to find him.’
‘And you were condemned for not using the name of your husband because of it?’
‘Oh, that was an easy sufferance for I seldom strayed into society and finally the gossip lessened.’
‘If you had used Colbert I might have found you earlier.’
‘Then that would be my only regret.’
‘Come with me to St Auburn when Jamie is better. I can show you both the beauty of it, the solidness.’
‘You said your grandfather was there.’
‘Come as my family and he can meet you.’
* * *
Nathaniel wanted Jamie and her to go to St Auburn. He wanted things that she could not promise just yet with the scars at her breast and the guilt in her heart.
Tonight it had been easy to pretend with Jamie between them. Tonight he had come like a knight in shining armour through the darkness to rescue her. But tomorrow...?
Reality would creep back with the anger and then she would be at the mercy of pity again. She needed to make sure that the feelings in France could be translated here away from any pressures before she followed him into a place that neither of them could come back from. She needed him to love her wholly with his body just as he had done once in the southern mountains and she wanted to love him back in the same way. But could she risk asking that of him? Now, after Jamie’s sickness and the care he had shown, would the scars ruin everything?
The thrall of memory took her breath away. ‘Do you live alone at your town house?’
‘Yes.’ His voice was quiet, underlaced with question.
‘Then perhaps I could come there first. Just me...’
She left the rest unsaid, but he had picked up on the implications instantly.
‘When?’
‘Tomorrow night. At eight.’ That gave her a day to make certain that Jamie was fully recovered.
‘I would like that.’
‘And it will only be us?’
‘Yes.’
‘I will need a carriage later...to bring me home before the morning.’
