turned to face her, his gaze full of despair, and her heart ached for him. “But she didn’t love me, she only wanted my money. I basically went from one loveless existence to another. Until Josh was born.”
“I know you loved your son the moment you saw him,” she murmured.
“Yes, I did. I do. I’ve been wrestling with guilt over the accident that put Josh in the wheelchair, even though I know the other driver was primarily at fault. Still, I’ve been trying hard to move forward.”
“Dan, surely you realize that the accident might have happened even if you hadn’t been distracted. The guy ran a red light, right?”
“Yes, you’re right. And I’m getting better there, but I’m afraid that without you I’ll fall back into my old patterns.”
“You won’t, Dan. I believe in you. And to be honest, I feel like having me around will only get in the way.” Saying the words, remembering how Josh and Dan had looked as they’d wheeled themselves down to Central Park that day, made her realize why she needed to leave.
Now. Before she lost any more of her heart.
“What are you saying?” he asked hoarsely.
She steeled her resolve. “I’m saying you need to take the time to concentrate on your relationship with your son.” She ignored the cracks rippling through her heart, breaking it into zillions of pieces. “Without allowing anything else getting in the way.”
“Is that really what you think?” he asked, his face pale.
She forced herself to nod. “Yes, that is exactly what I think.” She rose to her feet and forced herself to take a step toward the door. “I care about you and Josh. And I only want you to be happy.”
“Don’t go,” he said, and the tortured expression on his face nearly brought her to her knees.
“I have to.” She lifted one shoulder in a helpless shrug. “I’m sorry, Dan, but I think you need to come to grips with your past and your present before you can even begin to contemplate a future.”
He froze, as if pierced by her words. And in that moment she knew her gut instincts were right.
He wasn’t ready for a true give-and-take relationship. Wasn’t ready to be vulnerable enough to fall in love. For a moment her resolve wavered, because she could see just how clearly he needed someone to love him.
The way she loved him.
Yet didn’t she deserve that same love in return? She’d given herself to James and his sons, and for what? No, she couldn’t bear to have her heart broken again.
So she turned and left his apartment, intent on taking the subway home. And she wasn’t sure which hurt more. Leaving him when she so badly wanted to stay or the grim knowledge that he hadn’t tried to stop her.
The moment Molly left, Dan stared at the closed door, feeling more alone than ever before in his entire life. Worse than when Suzy had left him with their one-year-old son.
But the truth in her words resonated deep within him. Maybe she was right. Maybe he did need to resolve his past and his present relationship with Josh, before he could contemplate a future.
She’d told him he was a good father, but he wasn’t sure if that was really true. His relationship with Josh had come a long way, and he wasn’t about to lose the ground they’d gained, but instinctively he knew that having Molly around wouldn’t distract him. He fought a rising sense of despair. He needed Molly to help show him the way.
He needed Molly to love him.
The way his mother and Suzy hadn’t.
He’d grown beyond his mother’s bitterness, had managed to come out with a great career in spite of her, but for some reason Suzy’s betrayal seemed worse. Because he’d stupidly believed she’d loved him, even though she hadn’t.
He still resented her. For leaving him. For the way she’d spent his money and then tossed him aside as if he wasn’t good enough.
For distracting him the day of the crash. A crash that had almost killed Josh and had left him in a wheelchair.
He sank onto the edge of the sofa, cradling his head in his hands as bitter anger sloshed in his gut like bad whiskey. Maybe Molly was right. Maybe he needed to let go of his anger and resentment before he could move forward.
The image of baby Erica’s parents holding each other, drawing strength from each other, as they’d sat next to the tiny isolette flashed into his mind. He remembered doubting the ability of their love to survive the stress of having a sick infant.
But maybe he had it backward. Maybe the reason his and Suzy’s marriage had fallen apart after Josh’s birth had been because they hadn’t loved each other the way they should have in the first place.
Maybe true love held couples together during times of stress, rather than pulling them apart.
He’d known that things between him and Suzy hadn’t been great even before Josh had been born. She’d made no secret of the fact that she’d hated everything about being pregnant. He’d hoped things would change once the baby was born, but instead they had gone from bad to worse.
He’d loved Josh the moment he’d first seen him, but he hadn’t been an easy baby. Josh had suffered from colic and for those first few months he’d cried for hours on end.
Suzy hadn’t been able to stand it, so he’d walked the floor with Josh, trying to soothe the colicky baby at night, while building his pediatric cardiothoracic practice during the day. He existed on little to no sleep, and it was by sheer luck he’d discovered that putting Josh in the baby swing and running the vacuum cleaner, of all things, had soothed his son more than anything else. Finally, they’d had at least a couple hours of peace and quiet.
Josh had grown out of his colicky phase by the time he was six months old, turning into a smiling, happy baby. But Suzy had still left just after Josh’s first birthday. And he’d tried to manage on his own.
With his growing surgical practice he’d ended up spending less and less time at home, leaving Josh to the care of his nanny. Except for his days off, of course, when he’d had to haul Josh from one sporting event to another. Something he’d started to resent until that fateful crash, where he’d almost lost the one thing most precious to him.
Which brought him full circle, to the day he’d met Molly. The petite firecracker who’d dared to yell at him, had ordered him to get a wheelchair and who’d shown him the importance of having fun.
And what had she wanted in return? Nothing but for him to love his son.
No, wait. That wasn’t exactly true. Over these past few weeks he’d learned a lot about Molly. He knew that deep down she wanted love and a family.
The knowledge hit him in the head like a brick. Of course Molly wanted love. She deserved love.
He was an idiot for not telling her how much he loved her!
He stood, and actually started for the door to follow Molly, before he remembered Josh was sleeping in his bed.
Spinning
