nothing.
The contradictions inside her were so extreme she felt like she was going to be pulled in two.
One thing her mind and body were united on was the desire to go hide underneath a blanket. This was definitely the kind of situation that necessitated hiding.
The problem was, she was still on her knees in front of Chase. Maybe she could hide under his chair.
What are you doing? Why are you falling apart? This isn’t a big deal. He has probably literally had a thousand blow jobs.
This one didn’t have to be that big a deal. Sure, it was the first one she had ever given. But he didn’t have to know that, either.
If she didn’t treat it like a big deal, it wouldn’t be a big deal. They could forget anything had ever happened. They could forget that in a moment of total insanity she had allowed her anger to push her over the edge, had allowed her inability to back down from a challenge to bring them to this place. And that was all it was—the fact that she was absolutely unable to deal with that blow to her pride. It was nothing else. It couldn’t be anything else.
She rocked back on her heels, planting her hands flat on the dusty ground before rising to her feet. She felt dizzy. She would go ahead and blame that on the speed at which she had stood up.
“I think it’s safe to say we have a little bit more chemistry than you thought,” she said, clearing her throat and brushing at the dirt on her pants.
He didn’t say anything. He just kept sitting there, looking rocked. And he was still exposed. She did her very best to look at the wall behind him. “I can still see your...”
He scrambled into action, standing and tugging his pants into place, doing up his belt as quickly as possible. “I think we’re done for the day.”
She nodded. “Yeah. Well, you are.”
She could feel the distance widening between them. It was what she needed, what she wanted, ultimately. But for some reason, even as she forced the breach, she regretted it.
“I don’t... What just happened?”
She laughed, crossing her arms and cocking her hip out to the side. “If you have to ask, maybe I didn’t do a very good job.” The bolder she got, the more she retreated inside. She could feel herself tearing in two, the soft vulnerable part of her scrambling to get behind the brash, bold outward version that would spare her from any embarrassment or pain.
“You’re...okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
“Because you just...”
She laughed. Hysterically. “Sure. But let’s not be ridiculous about it. It isn’t like you punched me in the face.”
Chase looked stricken. “Of course not. I would never do that.”
“I know. I’m just saying, don’t act like you punched me in the face when all I did was—”
“There’s no need to get descriptive. I was here. I remember.”
She snorted. “You should remember.” She turned away from him, clenching her hands into fists, hoping he didn’t notice that they were shaking. “And I hope you remember it next time you go talking about us not having chemistry.”
“Do you want us to have chemistry?”
She whirled around. “No. But I have some pride. You were comparing me to all these other women. Well, compare that.”
“I...can’t.”
She planted her hands on her hips. “Damn straight.”
“We can’t... We can’t do this again,” he said, shaking his head and walking away.
For some reason, that made her feel awful. For some reason, it hurt. Stabbed like a rusty knife deep in her gut.
“I don’t want to do it again. I mean, you’re welcome, but I didn’t exactly get anything out of it.”
He stopped, turning to face her, his expression tense. “I didn’t ask you to do anything.”
“I’m aware.” She shook her head. “I think we’re done for tonight.”
“Yeah. I already said that.”
“Well,” she said, feeling furious now, “now I’m saying it.”
She was mad at herself. For taking it this far. For being upset, and raw, and wounded over something that she had chosen to do. Over his reaction, which was nothing more than the completely predictable response. He didn’t want her. Not really.
And she knew that. This evening’s events weren’t going to change it. An orgasm on the floor of the shop she rented from him was hardly going to alter the course of fifteen years of friendship.
An orgasm. Oh, dear Lord, what had she done? She really had to get out of here. There was no amount of bravado left in her that would save her from the meltdown that was pending.
“I have to go.”
* * *
She was gone before he had a chance to protest. He should be glad she was gone. If she had stayed, there was no telling what he might have done. What other stupid bit of nonsense he might have committed.
He had limited brainpower at the moment. All of his blood was still somewhere south of his belt.
He turned, surveying the empty shop. Then, in a fit of rage, he kicked something metal that was just to the right of the chair. And hurt his foot. And probably broke the thing. He had no idea if it was important or not. He hoped it wasn’t. Or maybe he hoped it was. She deserved to have some of her tractor shit get broken. What had she been thinking?
He hadn’t been able to think. But it was a well-known fact that if a man’s dick was in a woman’s mouth, he was not doing much problem solving. Which meant Chase was completely absolved of any wrongdoing here.
Completely.
He gritted his teeth, closing his eyes and taking in a sharp breath. He was going to have to figure out how to get a handle on himself between now and the next time he saw Anna. Because there was no way things could continue on like this. There weren’t a whole lot of people who stuck around in his world. There had never been a special woman. After the death of his and Sam’s parents, relatives had passed through, but none of them had put down roots. And, well, their parents, they might not have chosen to leave, but they were gone all the same. He couldn’t afford to lose anyone else. Sam and Anna were basically all he had.
Which meant when it came to Sam’s moods and general crankiness, Chase just dealt with it. And when it came to Anna...no more touching. No more... No more of any of that.
For one second, he allowed himself to replay the moment when she had unzipped his pants. When she had leaned forward and tasted him. When that white-hot streak of release had undone him completely.
He blinked. Yeah, he knew what he had been
