a baby I figured I had my answer.’ She shrugged. ‘It didn’t matter what the tests showed. The problem was with me.’
Seb could understand her devastation and her logic but that didn’t mean she was right. ‘But it could have been any number of things.’
‘Well, until I find someone who I want to try again with it doesn’t matter. What matters is trying to get on with my life. Ben took away my marriage and I’ve recovered from that, but he also took away my dream of having a family. Even if the problem lay with me as a couple we could have adopted or fostered kids, we could have made something work, but now I either have to give up on my dream or start again. I decided to start again. I will do it. I want this more than anything but it still hurts when I see pregnant women or women with their babies. It reminds me of what I might never have and it’s part of the reason I wanted to move away from working in a country hospital. I had to assist with deliveries and I’d want to be happy for the parents but every time it just felt like my heart was breaking.’
‘Working in family and community health might be just as difficult.’
‘I know. I’m coming to realise that,’ she sighed. ‘But it’s still an area that interests me. It’s a double-edged sword in a way. I want to work with kids but I didn’t think about the fact that so many women with young children would be pregnant with another one. But I’m hoping that eventually I’ll feel better about it. It will either wreck me or help me but I don’t expect it to happen overnight. One thing at a time.
‘I’ve got over the end of my marriage, perhaps one day I’ll accept that I can’t have a family, but for the moment I just prefer not to talk about it. Not talking about it means I can try to ignore it. It’s obvious the problem lies with me, but I’m not ready to think about what it means.’
All along Seb had had the feeling that she’d been running away and now he knew why. He couldn’t blame her for not wanting to be around when her ex’s new partner had the child she’d been longing for.
And now it was Seb’s turn to feel as though his heart was breaking. In sympathy with Luci. I’m so sorry. What else could he say?
But he couldn’t help her. There was nothing he could do. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t fix this. He couldn’t give her what she wanted but he could take care of her. At least for now.
He lay on the bed with her and wrapped her in his arms and waited until she fell into an exhausted sleep.
But sleep eluded him. He lay in the dark and thought about Luci.
It had been a long time since anything, or anyone, had affected him this strongly. Since anyone had made his heart ache.
This was exactly what he’d been trying to avoid. He didn’t want to feel. He didn’t want to hurt for someone else. And he didn’t want to think about what that meant.
In the space of three weeks he had seen her ecstatic, nervous, passionate, playful, flirty and full of despair. Unlike him, she wore her heart on her sleeve. He felt he had known her for much longer and he knew he would miss her when they parted ways, but their time was limited. He would be leaving Sydney in a little over a fortnight. This wasn’t a long-term proposition and her problem was not his to solve. As much as he’d like to, he couldn’t fix things for her and she hadn’t asked him to.
He would enjoy the next few weeks, distract her and hopefully take her mind off her problems. He would give her time to heal and then he’d let her go.
Luci picked up her wine glass and followed Seb up the steps of his boat and around to the forward deck.
The carpenter had finished installing the new kitchen while she and Seb had been in Budgee. The boat was finished, still unnamed but finished, and to celebrate Seb had invited her to spend the weekend on board. Seb had cooked a simple meal of steak and salad, the new kitchen had been tested and the new bed christened. So far the weekend was fabulous.
The boat bobbed gently on the calm waters of the Hawkesbury River. It was a beautiful warm night. There were thick clouds on the horizon and rain had been forecast. The air was heavy with humidity but so far the rain held off. The sunset had been incredible and, for now, the sky was clear and black.
Luci sat beside Seb and he slipped his arm around her shoulders, tucking her in against him. She was naked under her cotton dress and Seb wore only a pair of shorts. His body heat radiated out to her. She leaned back against the windshield of the boat and looked up at the sky. It was sprinkled with tiny stars that looked like diamonds on black velvet.
There were no other lights, on the water or on the shore. She felt like they had the world to themselves. Luci sighed. Seb was constantly surprising her with their dates and this one was particularly romantic. Lying on the deck of the boat, feeling like they were the only two people in existence, she could see the attraction of having somewhere to escape to. It was quite possibly a necessity in order to maintain your sanity if you lived in a city like Sydney, but she still couldn’t imagine making this her life. As romantic as the night was, she imagined it would be a very isolated existence with no one to share it with.
‘Do you think you’ll ever get lonely out here on your own?’
‘Maybe,’ Seb replied. ‘But that’s a chance I’m willing to take. I’ve never been lonely before.’
‘You’ve never had anyone else stay?’
He shook his head. ‘No.’
‘Why is that?’ Luci was curious and also flattered to think she was the first, but realised there could just as easily be another explanation that had nothing to do with her. ‘Was it because the boat wasn’t ready?’
‘No. I’ve stayed the night many times but I’ve never felt the need to share this with anyone else before.’
‘Why did you ask me?’
‘I thought you might like it,’ he said simply.
‘Not to keep you company?’
‘I’m happy with my own company.’
That had been a question that had been bothering her since the first time she’d set foot on his boat. His desire to have an escape, to keep a bachelor pad of sorts had seemed at odds with someone who was so vital and charismatic.
‘Have you never thought about sharing your life with someone?’ She knew he’d had at least one lengthy relationship but she still wondered why it hadn’t developed into something more serious. He was only thirty-one. Far too young to have decided to spend his life alone. What had happened that had made him so solitary?
Despite her divorce Luci hadn’t given up on finding love again. She wasn’t assuming Seb would want to share his life with her but she wondered what had happened to make him so against the idea of sharing his life with anyone.
‘Once upon a time I assumed I would marry and have kids, that it was something that was in my future. But it was just that. In the future. I assumed it would happen one day but I had no real plans that it had to happen by a certain point in my life. I guess I thought I would finish my studies, get married, eventually have a couple of kids, but it hasn’t turned out that way. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay on my own.’
She
