‘No, Elmira must have drugged Aida and the guard. The other maidservants slept apart. Aida discovered Elmira dead in her bed when she went to summon her for breakfast. The guard—well, it wasn’t in the interests of a guard to admit to being asleep on duty.’
‘You protected her honour, even in death.’
‘I did little else for her in life. Elmira lost her life in the pursuit of the Sabr. I have to win it back for her. It’s the only way.’
‘Atonement,’ Stephanie said.
‘If I don’t, she will always be here, haunting my every step.’ His voice cracked. His chest heaved. A sob racked his body. He tried to struggle to his feet, ashamed, appalled, desperate to get away before his emotions overwhelmed him completely but Stephanie wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight, refusing to let him go.
* * *
She held him until he stopped struggling. Then she held him as he surrendered to the racking dry sobs that were the result of two years of pent-up emotion. Then she held him as he slept where he lay, utterly exhausted, stroking his hair from his brow, listening to his breathing become even, deep, as he settled his head on her lap. She held him for hours, easing herself gently away only to check on the sleeping mare, and then returning to Rafiq, holding him, stroking him, her heart aching with love for him.
Stephanie did not sleep. She replayed his tortured words over and over in her head. She couldn’t reconcile the picture he painted of himself with the man she knew. He had not loved Elmira, but to hear him describe, from his own lips, his callous disregard for her, was shocking. Yet her own love for him was undaunted, undented.
She so desperately wanted to help him. Her sordid little story could not compare to his tragedy, but she had learned a great deal here in Arabia about leaving the shadows of the past behind. If there was any way she could use that newfound knowledge to help Rafiq then she would. Nothing could change what had happened, but there had to be a way to make him see that his past had shaped him into the man of honour he was today.
* * *
Rafiq slept deeply. He awoke slowly. His eyelids flickered, then opened. He gave a dazed smile when he saw Stephanie, then a tiny shake of his head, and then a firming of his mouth, and he jerked himself upright as he remembered.
‘How long have I been asleep?’
‘A few hours.’
‘Sherifa?’
‘She’s fine, she’s been sleeping too.’
His throat was working. He was horribly embarrassed, struggling to look at her in the dim light of the stall, shaded from the sun by the shutters. ‘You saved her. I am extremely grateful. I fear I was a little—you must excuse my...’
She caught his hand as he made to get up and leave. ‘Please don’t go.’
She wanted to tell him that she loved him, but those three little words were guaranteed to send him running as surely as her assuring him even princes were allowed to cry. ‘I want to talk to you, Rafiq,’ Stephanie said, striving for calm. ‘I want you to consider what will happen if you don’t win the Sabr.’
‘It’s unthinkable.’
‘But it’s a possibility you can’t afford to ignore,’ she said earnestly. ‘I understand why it’s important to your people. You promised them a victory and you are a man who honours his promises. I understand that it’s important to you, to restore your father’s honour, and to win in Elmira’s honour too. But you believe it’s more than that, don’t you? You believe that winning the Sabr will somehow rid you of all this terrible guilt you bear for Elmira’s death and I am afraid...’
She caught herself on a sob. She must remain calm. ‘I am so afraid, Rafiq, that you are wrong, and I can’t bear to think of you suffering for another year, another, another, until you win—if you win. You have pinned all your hopes on this race, you are living your life in limbo until you win, but you don’t have to.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘Nothing can change what happened in the past, Rafiq, but you can stop it ruling your life.’
‘I fail to see how,’ he said heavily, ‘but I’m willing to listen.’
Stephanie laced her fingers together, frowning down at them. ‘I admit, I was shocked by what you told me. There is no denying that you neglected Elmira, that you contributed to making her very unhappy, but what you haven’t taken account of is her role in this.’
‘Stephanie, you know I only married her for her dowry.’
‘You married her to make good on the pledge you made to your people, and to heal the rift your father had made. You put your kingdom first when you made that marriage, not yourself.’
‘And I put Elmira last, Stephanie.’
‘Why did she marry you?’
He looked confused. ‘It was her father’s wish.’
‘But if she hadn’t wanted to marry you, could she have refused?’
Frowning, he picked up a piece of straw and knotted it. ‘Salim has several daughters. If Elmira had been against the match, then I expect one of her sisters would have taken her place.’
‘So she wanted to marry you? And she knew what that entailed—the harem, the life that she would lead, it was not a shock to her?’
‘No, of course not. It was one of the few things we did discuss before the contract was signed. I know how the Bedouin are, I know how much they value their freedom, it was why I agreed that Elmira could take her horse out into the desert every day, provided she also took an escort.’ He stared down at the knotted straw, his frown deepening. ‘I had forgotten that.’
‘So Elmira knew the risk she was taking if she abused that freedom?’
‘But was she abusing it?’
‘If she had been completely innocent, don’t you think she would have said so, Rafiq? She had far too much to lose.’
‘She was lonely, and that was my fault.’
‘Elmira was a grown woman with a mind of her own. Did she tell you how lonely she was? Did she tell you she was unhappy?’
‘Stephanie, most women don’t have the courage to speak their minds as you do. Besides, that’s not the point. I was her husband. I was responsible for her. I should have been aware of her unhappiness.’
‘Yes, you should have, but she should have spoken to you. You take too much of the blame on yourself.’ Stephanie took a deep breath. ‘It is the same with her death.’
He flinched. ‘It’s true, I did not administer the sleeping draught, but...’
‘You assume that Elmira took her own life because she was lonely, because she was effectively a prisoner in the harem, because you made her unhappy, but you don’t actually know for sure, do you?’ Stephanie laced her hands more tightly together. She couldn’t risk crying.
