care what happened to me, would they?’
And everything she had cherished seemed about to turn to ash and bitter words.
* * *
Nicholas saw Anne’s stricken face, suddenly sharp and clear, and it brought him back to himself. What had happened? One moment he had been holding her tight, grateful that more than half the journey still lay before them, wishing he never had to leave her. The next—
The next he was a child again, wanting to escape a home that did not want him, resenting a father who had let a woman deceive him.
Trapped. It was his stepmother he spoke of. He had been running from his father’s fate all these years and not realised it until now.
He knelt by the bed and raised a hand to Anne’s cheek. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—’
She swatted it away. ‘Spare me your apologies.’
He grabbed her hands back. ‘Please. Let me tell you.’
Silent, she glared at him, trying to hide the hurt behind a defiant stare. Finally, she spoke, slowly, each word with a weight of its own. ‘I...don’t...care.’
But he would not let her go. He could see what held her back, but something had weighed him down, too. Something she could not see.
He began to speak, as if she had said nothing, keeping her hands in his so she could not cover her ears. ‘My father was a tanner.’
There, the surprise on her face. ‘And you, a knight?’
How far he had come. Almost far enough to forget the stench of the pits where the skin was separated from the fat and flesh. It had taken him years to run far enough away to clear that smell from his nostrils.
But there was more to tell. ‘My mother died when I was a babe. I barely remember her.’
Sympathy softened her face. Her mother must have been her whole world. He envied her that.
Then, the flicker of feeling was gone. ‘You told me this before,’ she said. ‘Or were you too drunk to remember that?’
‘I told you, but I did not tell you all.’
There was something he could not read in her expression, but she remained silent and waited for him to continue.
‘And then, my father, instead of being sensible and marrying a woman with a dower, fell in love with a woman near half his age. She led him on—’ the words bitter even to this day ‘—pretending to be a shy and chaste maiden, and he let lust rule him. He pressured her parents to allow them to wed quickly. And five months after they were wed, I had a younger brother.’
And that quickly, his father’s dreams had died. Gone was the extra time to perfect his skill with the bow so that he could escape from the tannery pits to glory in war.
‘What happened to you?’ Her question was soft.
‘The monks at the priory taught me some Latin, but I did not want to be a monk. I wanted to see the world. But there was no escape for me either and I...’ He was ashamed, even now, to remember. ‘I screamed and sulked and kicked and cried and I suspect they were relieved when I ran away.’
He paused. Always astonishing, to think of that journey. From a small boy trapped in the tanning pits to a foot soldier knighted on the field of battle by the Prince himself. Yes, a man could make of himself what he would, as long as he was able-bodied.
And if not...
‘And so you will never be trapped yourself.’ Her words were rich with understanding.
He wanted to nod, but his head would not move, as if she had trapped him already.
‘And you won’t,’ she said. ‘Not by me. I only wanted...something to remember. Nothing has changed. We have only this journey. After that, you will be as free as you were before.’
He nodded, but he was not certain she was right.
But she did not ask again to see his home and he did not take her.
* * *
And so the days of the journey rolled by and Anne counted them, finally knowing there were fewer before than behind. When they reached Durham, she could scarcely bear to look at the Cathedral, knowing it would be the last.
Three more days, three more nights until they arrived at Holystone. Would God strike her dead when she crossed the threshold? What was the punishment for such a lie as she had lived? Lady Joan had paid nothing for it, so perhaps it was all for Anne to bear.
Was it a bigger sin than sleeping with Nicholas?
No matter. If death came, she would be content, except that she had never seen Compostela. Or Chartres. Or Rome.
Obviously, God had never intended that she would.
The nights had become more important than the days, but instead of spending that night in Durham making love until dawn, they lay awake, holding each other, as if staying awake might hold back the dawn.
She asked him about his life and listened to the tale of a runaway boy who had become a trusted member of the Prince’s retinue.
‘And you?’ he asked that night. ‘You have listened to me for days and told me nothing of your life.’
‘My life has been Lady Joan’s life.’ Not her own. Never her own.
Nicholas leaned on his elbow and raised an eyebrow. ‘Lady Joan has had a very interesting life.’
Exactly what she did not want to explore.
If he discovered the truth, he would know she was not a beloved confidante, but only a twisted, damaged liar who had only been kept safe because of the havoc she could wreak.
No. That, she could not let him see. For if he knew who she really was and how she had lied, this fragile thing between them would be gone. And although she had no hope that it would go beyond these days, this brief joy, of a man truly looking into her eyes, the joy of having, even for a moment, a gentle touch, a kiss, a connection that went deeper...ah, that was worth it all. Worth continuing the lie...
She shrugged. ‘There is nothing to tell.
‘Tell me,’ he said, ‘how you learned to do needlework.’
Remembrance joined relief. ‘I finally had something I could do.’ Something that did not need her to be whole. She had missed it during these days of travel. Perhaps she could stitch altar clothes for the nuns. ‘It was Salisbury’s mother who taught me.’
‘His mother?’
She nodded. ‘It was shortly after he and Joan were wed. We lived all together then. His father died and I think teaching me gave his mother something to do.’
She had not thought of that in years. Lady Joan’s mother had forced the marriage despite her daughter’s objections. Circumstances were strained. Salisbury, sixteen and not yet knighted, was suddenly
