go any further than that, and when it did, he just let it happen.
Joel hadn’t been capable of loving anyone back then, and even now, love still seemed elusive. Oh, sure, he loved Emma, probably more in the last six months than ever before in her life, but true romantic love, the kind that Polly still felt for her late husband, Daniel... He didn’t know if he could ever feel that sort of deep, powerful love for anyone.
“I couldn’t love anybody back then, not even myself.”
“But you dated her.”
“Yes, for almost two years.”
“Did you love Sarah?”
The road before him seemed endless, as if it could go on into infinity. As if he knew he couldn’t get out of the car until he told Polly the truth.
“She was the mother of my child.”
He kept his eyes on the road, a tight grip on the wheel, looking for his turnoff...hoping for his turnoff.
“You didn’t answer my question. And believe me, Joel, I won’t be offended by your answer as long as you tell me the truth. I don’t abide liars of any kind...at least not on the big stuff. Did you love Sarah?”
He took in a sharp snap of air. “I did not.”
“Ever?”
“No.”
“Did she love you?”
“If she did, she never showed it or told me.”
“Then why did you marry her?”
“She was pregnant with my child.”
“But why did you marry her?”
“I just couldn’t run away. Not from that. If she was going to have the baby, I would always be his or her dad.”
“Still, you could have walked. Paid child support and visited on holidays.”
He couldn’t do that, even back then he couldn’t abandon his unborn child and provide Sarah with a reason to consider giving up the baby. Not that he’d spend a lot of time thinking about it; he’d merely reacted to the situation in the only way he knew how. But now that he was forced to rehash it with Polly, he realized it was the one moment in his life that he was proud of.
“It was the right thing to do,” he said, knowing perfectly well he’d never been all-in either as a husband or a father. Sure, he married Sarah but he never took up the responsibility reins...until now.
Polly turned back to face the road and he caught her glistening eyes that gave away her true feelings. He could only hope she didn’t hate him.
“That’s our turnoff up ahead,” she said, her voice steady and strong. “It’s easy to miss at night, but look for the dogwood tree that Daniel planted when we were first married and you’ll always find your way back home.”
“Thanks,” he told her, knowing full well he was thanking her not for the directions but for accepting his answer.
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