to join her.
‘Cort.’ She said his name, and lifted her body to his, because she wanted him with her, but still he pushed on.
‘Cort.’ She heard the demand in her voice, because she was coming and now so could he and it would be done, but still his arms were not beneath her, he was on his elbows and looking down at her.
‘Come on,’ he said as if he knew there was more. ‘It’s okay,’ he said as if he knew that this scared her.
Not him.
This.
Because sex was okay and all that had gone on beforehand too.
But this, lying naked beneath him, eyes open and watching, and him knowing there was more to give.
She wanted a one-night stand, not for him to know her. She wanted him to climb off and get dressed and be out of there.
She wanted chocolate or pizza, not to expose her soul.
She didn’t want to cry, but all evening it had been building.
She could feel her tears and then his tongue, feel the sob in her mouth and then his over hers, and he didn’t stifle it, he took it, kissed it, accepted it, and he was so deep inside her, not just her body but her mind.
‘Help me.’ She didn’t know what she was saying, but he seemed to get it. He smothered her with his body, just scooped her right in and she pressed her face to his lovely hot chest and screamed into it, like a pillow. She clutched at his back and wrapped her legs around him, feeling the jolt of her body, and it was more than she could deal with so she let him absorb all the tension as it shot through her, let his body smother her as he released too.
Oh, God, she was crying, she really was crying, but he didn’t seem to mind.
She was spent and it was over, but she didn’t want it to be. She could feel the last throes of him and inside her still flickered a tiny, magical beat.
They could hear the party and the music and the voices coming back into their consciousness, could feel control seeping in where there had just been none, and she felt as if she’d been on holiday and had now returned, her world the same as when she had left it but richer for the experience, for the glimpse into another world. One she could surely never belong in.
‘You’re going to hate yourself in the morning,’ Ruby said, but he just smiled.
‘Probably,’ Cort said. ‘But not you.’ It seemed imperative that she know that and she nodded.
‘No regrets, then,’ Ruby said, because they both knew it was impossible for it to be anything more than this.
‘None,’ Cort said. All the candles had died now and the room was in darkness as he lay on his back with her curled up beside him and tried to find a hint of regret, but right now there was none.
They slept with the window open, because Ruby loved to fall asleep to the sound of the ocean, but the slam of the front door and the sound of the last revellers leaving woke her in the small hours and for a moment she struggled to orientate herself. She looked at a sky that was all stars and hardly any moon and remembered she had to go back into work tomorrow, panicked more than a little as she recalled all that Sheila had said, and then Cort pulled her more into him. He mumbled something, that it would all be okay, and she closed her eyes and let her mind agree.
It had to be okay, Ruby told herself.
It had to be.
IT WAS Ruby who woke with regret.
Well, not regret so much, she thought as she wrapped herself in a green and gold sarong and headed downstairs. More embarrassment. She’d never let herself go like that—never been so free with another. Deciding she needed more than herbal tea this morning, Ruby made two coffees and involuntarily recalled her impromptu striptease and nut-throwing act and she closed her eyes for a moment. She remembered she’d been crying, but closing your eyes while holding a kettle wasn’t the most sensible of moves, and she poured scalding water onto the bench.
‘Are you okay?’ Tilly asked as Ruby yelped and jumped back.
‘Of course,’ Ruby said, but her face was burning, not because there was a man in her room but because of how she’d been with him last night.
‘Is that the A and E registrar you’re making coffee for?’ Tilly asked as Ruby headed to her own little fridge for milk. ‘Maybe he’d like normal milk?’ Tilly suggested, and Ruby gave a worried nod and headed to the main fridge because, yes, most people didn’t drink rice milk. ‘So is it?’ Tilly grinned as Ruby added milk to the coffees.
‘Can’t you just pretend not to have noticed?’ Ruby glanced over her shoulder and looked at her friend. ‘Did anyone see us?’
‘No one said anything. I don’t think anyone saw, I was just keeping an eye out because I was worried about you—you seemed a bit off at the pub.’
‘Was I drunk?’ Ruby asked hopefully, because then she’d have an excuse for her tears and her stupidity. She closed her eyes in horror as she remembered flinging nuts and swore never to eat another pistachio again.
‘Were you?’ Tilly asked. ‘You seemed fine to me. Did you have a lot?’
‘Two beers.’ Ruby sighed.
‘What’s the problem?’ Tilly asked, because she’d never seen Ruby like this. Ruby was always happy-go-lucky, but the smile seemed a bit more strained these days, and though it was hardly a nunnery they were running, Ruby really wasn’t one for hauling guys off to her room.
‘What was I thinking?’ Ruby muttered. ‘I’ve got to work with him. I’m in enough trouble there as it is.’
‘Trouble?’ Tilly checked as Jess wandered in.
‘Not trouble.’ Quickly she tried to backtrack. ‘I had my assessment yesterday and Sheila doesn’t seem to think I’m pulling my weight.’
‘You—not pulling your weight?’ Jess asked, her voice more than a little incredulous, because that sounded nothing like Ruby. They’d worked together last year on the children’s ward, and Jess knew that couldn’t be right. ‘What exactly did she say?’
‘It’s no big deal.’ Ruby waved Jess’s concerns away. ‘I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. I’ve just got to get rid of the registrar in my bed.’ And she did as she always did, made herself smile, even made the others laugh as she rolled her eyes and picked up the mugs of coffee. ‘Wish me luck.’
Cort wasn’t faring too well either.
At twenty past seven he jolted awake and the room that had last night looked so sensual, such a haven, was just a rather chaotic jumble now and a riot of colour that made him want to close his eyes again, except when he did he could smell the musk and the sex and a scent he couldn’t quite decipher. He opened his eyes and saw what must be a joint lying on her bedside table and he picked it up and smelt it and wondered if that
