block, her elbows on her knees, and watched the men taking the horses to their appointed boxes. Everything was a controlled bustle, the sound of hooves on the stone setts, men giving orders, stable boys running back and forth, and yet she felt filled with the kind of peace she had experienced after she had recovered from the loss of the baby. In those months before Will returned she had come to feel she belonged here, that she was in control and understood what she was doing.
And then she saw Will walking towards her. He was hatless, his coat hooked on one finger over his shoulder, his shirtsleeves rolled up. He looked big, physical, intelligent, this man she was married to, had made love with, hardly knew.
‘A penny for them. In fact...’ Will put one foot on the bottom step and regarded her, head to one side ‘...I may offer two pence, your thoughts seem so deep.’
‘I was thinking that I feel as I did just before you came back,’ Julia said without calculation. ‘As though I belonged here.’
‘And when I came back, you no longer did.’
‘Yes. That is exactly how I felt.’ She had said it now, the hurtful, tactless thing. It was out in the open and they could no longer pretend that everything was just fine.
A shadow passed over Will’s face. He would turn away now, deal with this in a civilised manner by ignoring it as usual. The loneliness and regret washed through her like the winter sea.
Will stood very still, studying her face, then, to Julia’s surprise, came and sat next to her, hip against hip. ‘We have not talked, have we?’ It was a statement and he sounded reflective, not angry or hurt. Julia shook her head. ‘There were the really big things,’ Will continued. ‘We talked a little about those, of course. The baby, Caroline. We could hardly avoid those subjects, although there is much more that could be said.’
‘And we spoke of your love for this place and your parents. As you say, the big things, the difficult things, but not the small things,’ Julia agreed. There was no tension. It seemed natural to lean against his shoulder as they sat there. ‘I do not know how much housekeeping money I have, or pin money. We simply fell into some kind of division of responsibilities. You were surprised by the timing of...my cycle. We have been married for three years and yet we know nothing about each other. What are your political opinions? What is your favourite meal? Do you read novels or are the ones in your library there because you buy all the latest books?’
‘I did not know how to open negotiations again,’ Will said, surprising a laugh from her. ‘I made such a mull of things with Caroline and Henry. I knew I must have hurt you, if only by my sheer clumsiness. And then I could not come to your bed and somehow I did not like to simply make assumptions and walk in after I thought the timing would be right. Perhaps it was a good thing or I suspect I would have tried to make up by making love and we would have talked even less.’
That was true. Lovemaking was something they could use to avoid confrontation as much as to give and take pleasure. ‘You know who you are, don’t you?’ Julia asked. ‘You know you belong here, you are so secure in being a man that you can give me a stallion to ride while you keep your gelding, you can admit when you are wrong and try to solve things by talking.’
‘Are you implying that I am perfect?’ She shot him a sideways glance from narrowed eyes and saw his mouth was curling into a smile.
‘Not at all. You had not given a thought to what you were going to do about me when you came home.’ She realised something as she studied his profile, the sensitive, mobile mouth and the stubborn chin. ‘You thought that because I love this place, too, there must be a power struggle over it. But that’s idio—I mean, there is no need for that. It is yours, I would just like to share it. And you do that typically male thing of ignoring uncomfortable things until they are pushed under your nose.’
‘Ah. An idiot and a typical male?’ He was still smiling. ‘Do you think we can make this work, Julia? If you can overlook my idiocy and kick me when I’m ignoring things?’
‘I can do that. But a marriage takes two people. What are my faults that must be addressed?’ She was certain he would have a list as long as her arm. Julia braced herself.
‘I want you to be honest with me.’
The cold grabbed her stomach as though she had swallowed a lump of ice. She had not expected that. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Don’t hide things and bottle them up because they are difficult to talk about.’
‘You think I do that? I cannot break Henry’s confidence, you know that.’ I cannot tell you about the weight on my conscience, the dreadful thing I have done. Julia got down from the mounting block, the urge to twine her arm into his and lay her head on his shoulder vanishing. ‘I am starving. Shall we have an early luncheon? You had no breakfast.’
Will fell into step beside her as she walked towards the house. ‘Yes. I would like to eat and, yes, I do think you hide things from me. I don’t mean my cousin’s secrets. You were terrified of what I would do when I discovered where little Alexander was resting. You didn’t tell me that your lover was such a selfish lout. No wonder you were reluctant to come to my bed if your previous experience had been so bad.’ She must have gasped because he added, ‘You didn’t need to tell me about it, I could see that from your reactions. But I would rather have known so I could have been more...sensitive.’
Julia found she was speechless. Will opened the front door for her. ‘Gatcombe, we’ll take an early luncheon if Cook can manage it.’ When they reached the landing Will drew her into his chamber and closed the door. ‘I am just a man and sometimes we need things holding up in front of our faces. Will you promise to tell me when you are unhappy, when things worry you? Don’t have secrets from me, Julia, not about the things that will hurt this marriage.’
‘Oh, Will.’ She stood on tiptoe and curled her arms around his neck. His honesty, his willingness to admit his own faults, touched her. As their lips met she whispered, without thinking, ‘No secrets, I promise.’
Will reached out and turned the key in the door, then simply walked backwards, still kissing, so she followed him until they tipped back on to the bed. ‘At the risk of making Cook irritable, I think we should seal our new resolutions, don’t you?’
‘Oh, yes.’ Julia rolled on to her back and lay looking up at him. New resolutions, a new beginning. And then as he sat up to work out the complexities of the closures of her divided skirt, the cold realisation gripped her again. I promised, but—Jonathan. I cannot tell him about what I did to Jonathan. If she told Will, even if he could accept why she had done it, that it was an accident, it would make him an accessory after the fact. His choice would be to become as guilty in law as she was or to hand her over to the magistrates.
And I have promised to be open with him. Yet there was nothing to be done but break that promise and keep her secret, or hand herself in or run away and disappear. Naked in Will’s arms, Julia acknowledged that she did not have the courage to confess and take the consequences and she could not bear to leave King’s Acre. Or Will.
Her body rose to his, cradled him, her arms and legs curling around him as though they were one and she would not let him go. As he sank into her and she felt him inside, as she gripped him with those internal muscles that made him groan as he stroked, tormenting himself as much as her, she knew she did not have the strength to do anything but stay. And lie to him.
* * *
‘Do you mind if we go to London in a couple of days?’ Will looked up from a large and imposing
