Whether or not she was telling the entire truth, he didn’t know, but he didn’t want her going anywhere, not with the English threat. ‘We’ve no need for the money right now, Nairna. I’d rather you stayed here.’
‘Dougal could escort me,’ she said. ‘He did well enough when we went to Locharr.’
‘I don’t want you leaving Glen Arrin,’ he said. ‘Not yet.’
She reached for his hand. ‘I could find someone else to go in my stead. It would mean a great deal of money for us.’
‘Why is it so important to you?’
She met his gaze squarely. ‘Because money gives us power. And if we’re to face the English again, we shouldn’t be struggling at every turn. I’ve had a look at the accounts and there are ways we could improve—’
‘Don’t.’ He cut off her arguments, soothing the harsh tone by kissing her. ‘Alex is the chief. The funds of Glen Arrin are nothing for you to worry about.’
‘But they are,’ she insisted. He was about to cut her off again, but there was anger flashing in her eyes. ‘You don’t understand. I’m not skilled at weaving or spinning. This is the only thing I can do.’
He stared at her, unable to think of an appropriate answer. It didn’t matter, for she hadn’t finished speaking.
‘When we were parted, and even when I was married to Iver, I learned how to take coins and earn more. I learned where to save, how to bargain.’ Her face held an energy he hadn’t seen before. ‘I can do the same here.’
He didn’t speak, but studied her, wondering why this meant so much to her. His gaze fell upon her ragged woollen gown and he asked quietly, ‘You take care of others, I know. But when was the last time you bought something for yourself? A new gown or a ribbon?’
Confusion lined her face and she shook her head. ‘Why would I need that? It’s more important for our clan to have enough food to eat and supplies for the winter.’
‘And clothes to wear?’ he ventured, touching her gown. With a finger, he revealed one of the holes in the garment.
She stepped away from him. ‘Don’t, Bram. I’m fine the way I am.’
‘Why would your needs be any less than anyone else’s?’ he demanded. ‘You’re my wife, not a beggar.’
She said nothing, as if she didn’t quite believe she deserved more.
‘You don’t need to prove your worth, Nairna,’ he continued. ‘And you needn’t sell your belongings, just to earn coins for our clan.’
She folded her hands, the guilty look returning. ‘That wasn’t what I wanted to sell. And it’s not for me. It’s for Laren.’
He stopped walking with her, resting one hand against a birch tree. ‘Why would you want to sell something for Laren?’
She glanced around and admitted, ‘Because she doesn’t want Alex to know. It’s something she’s made, not anything that belongs to the chief,’ she clarified. ‘And I’ve promised to keep her secret.’
Bram didn’t like the turn this conversation was taking. ‘Nairna, no. You won’t be involved in this.’
‘She needs help,’ his wife insisted. ‘And I believe in her talent, even if Alex doesn’t.’ She sat down upon a fallen log, drawing her knees up.
The sadness in her voice tightened his chest. ‘She should trust him,’ Bram said. ‘Alex wouldn’t turn his back on her.’
‘Look at them, Bram. He doesn’t love her and he certainly doesn’t care what she does. Why do you think she avoids the keep every day?’
He drew Nairna to her feet. ‘What does it matter whether he loves her or not? He takes care of her and provides for their children.’
She lifted her eyes to his, and in them he saw a tiredness he hadn’t noticed before. ‘I don’t want to be like them, Bram.’
‘What is it you want, Nairna?’ His voice held a hard edge to it and she flinched as if he’d struck her.
‘I want to love you,’ she whispered.
‘Don’t,’ he warned. ‘If you knew the things I’ve done—’
‘You won’t tell me.’ She rested her forehead against his cheek. ‘And I know it’s tearing you apart inside.’
His hands moved to pull her away from him. A coldness settled into his skin, but she pressed again. ‘What happened, Bram?’
He moved towards their house, staring at the hills surrounding them. For a long time, he said nothing, wondering if he should admit the truth.
But God above, she wanted to love him. He needed her to understand that he wasn’t the man she believed he was.
‘All summer I watched the guards, learning their habits,’ he began, not meeting her eyes. ‘What time they ate, what time they slept. I kept my head down and tried not to be noticed.’
She was listening intently, with far too much compassion on her face. Bram forced himself to tell her the rest, for he owed her the truth. He’d made an unforgivable choice. And it haunted him still.
‘One night, after we’d been building a wall, I let myself fall to the ground. One of the guards came to see what had happened and I smashed a stone into his face. Then I ran to the opening we’d created.’
He rubbed at his eyes, but continued on. ‘I shouted to Callum, ordering him to join me. But two of the other guards grabbed him. They held him and threatened to kill him.’
Nairna came up beside him and took his hand. She squeezed his fingers, as if trying to obliterate his guilt.
‘I chose my life over Callum’s,’ he admitted. ‘I ran when they could have slit his throat.’
‘But they didn’t.’ Nairna leaned against him. ‘Marguerite said he’s still alive.’
‘A thousand times I’ve wondered if I made the right decision. I left him there and swore I’d return for him. I risked his life on that. I didn’t know if they would carry out their threat or not, but if I didn’t leave, we were both dead.
‘They let him go, because they had to chase after me.’ He expelled a breath. ‘I ran for the next two days, until I came to Ballaloch.’
When he’d finished, he expected her to pull away. He expected to see disappointment or revulsion in her eyes at his cowardice. Instead, she told him, ‘It’s not your fault. And I know you’re going to free him.’
He stared at her. ‘I can’t forgive myself for abandoning him.’ With his hand, he traced the soft skin of her neck. ‘I have to find him, Nairna.’
He let her go, not wanting her pity. Nor did he want to know what she thought of him now.
‘Are you certain about this?’ Laren asked. She held on to the leather-wrapped
