feeling so out of control.’ He straightened away from the door, and awkwardly walked to her lounge. ‘My parents’ relationship limited them. Neither achieved their ambitions. Dad had his dreams but they hardly got off the ground. They were too tied up with each other.’
‘Is that so bad?’
‘I know they were happy,’ he admitted. ‘And maybe because of the way the world viewed them they were an even tighter unit. But it was frustrating.’ He hobbled about her lounge, not looking at her. ‘We came out here when I was six. I had this French accent, an ancient dad and I loved him. But he bought this wreck of a property and said he was going to turn it into a chateau.’ Ruben laughed painfully. ‘He drew up these awesome plans. But that was about as far as he got.’
‘So you did it for him.’ Ellie knew this but she thought she had it all now. ‘But you really think their relationship held your father back from achieving anything else?’
He winced. ‘Not just him, they were both hopeless that way. No one can have it all. And if you want to do something you’re better to be free to get on with it.’
‘But maybe neither of them wanted to achieve those dreams that much. Maybe your father was just enjoying being a husband and a dad—you said yourself he never thought it was going to happen. Maybe he wanted to spend that time imagining his dreams with you—rather than not spending that time with you as he made them a reality. I’m sure he’d be thrilled with what you’ve done, but I don’t know that he’d be so pleased with how you’ve isolated yourself to do it.’
He was silent a long moment. She could see the shifting emotions in him—saw the hopelessness lift.
But then he turned away. ‘My ex resented the time I put into work. It came to a head—I had to pick her or the deal for the Taupo lodge. I chose the deal and she walked. At the time I was glad. But this time?’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t want to hurt you like that. I don’t want to lose you but how can I be fair to you?’
‘But I’m not her. I want to support you, not hold you back.’ She’d love to help him however she could. ‘And I want you to support me. Why can’t we achieve our dreams together?’
He jerked his head, turning back to face her. ‘You’re the first woman I’ve ever put before work, the only woman who’s made work seem utterly meaningless.’ He walked towards her. ‘You’re the only woman I’ve chased. And I’m going to keep chasing as long as I have to.’
It wasn’t going to have to be for much longer. Her eyes filled with tears.
‘Ellie, you’re everything and more to me.’ He stopped in front of her. ‘You don’t need to be anything other than yourself. You’re the perfect woman for me.’ He stepped close enough to touch—so he only had to whisper. ‘Just you. Just as you are. I need you in my life. I never knew how much I needed you until I tried to live without you.’
‘This is you chasing, huh?’ She swiped the streaming rivers from her cheeks.
‘This is me being honest,’ he said softly. ‘I didn’t want to hurt you but I did and I’m so sorry. But I didn’t want to hurt myself either and I thought walking away would save me from that. I was so wrong.’ His voice softened. ‘Because the thing is, I am like my parents. I love as deeply. You. I hate being apart from you. I want to be with you all of the time. I don’t want to go away. I don’t want you going away from me.’ He shook his head. ‘It’s crazy. I think about you all the time. I miss you like you wouldn’t believe. It hurts. It’s a physical ache. I never wanted to hurt like this.’
Oh, she knew that ache. The constant, incurable gnawing deep inside. The coldness in bed—despite summer heat or electric blankets. The sadness at the stretch of bed beside her. The inadequacy of a quick phone call. The inability to catch his eye, to smile at a joke she knew he’d get. She missed that magic language, that connection that she’d never had with another person. Only him. It was real heartache, that heaviness of his absence. He wasn’t hers and she’d thought he couldn’t ever be. Oh, that had hurt.
‘I feel for you like I’ve never felt for anyone. I’ve fought it. I thought I could control it, but I can’t. I just want to be with you.’ He took her hand in his. ‘I don’t want to go anywhere else. Home is where you are.’ He looked intently into her eyes. ‘You’re the most important thing in my life.’
She nodded. Swallowed. Trying to clear the blurring in her eyes, the building of emotion in her throat.
‘That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.’ Her throat was so constricted from holding back her emotion that it was hardly a whisper that sounded. She put her fingers to her lips to stop the sobs from ripping free.
‘Please let me love you,’ he whispered back. ‘I’ll do whatever I have to.’
‘You don’t have to do anything but love me,’ she whispered. ‘I don’t want you giving up things that are important to you.’
‘I’m not.’
‘What about those Australians?’
‘The terrible twins?’ He laughed. ‘They’ll find someone else. I’m not in the market for global domination. Just national.’
‘Really?’
‘I have lots of things to do round here—at work and with you.’
She smiled. ‘So do I. Planning to be the best tour guide in the country, you know.’
‘Of course.’ He nodded. ‘So maybe I could come on tour sometimes?’ That one eyebrow went even higher. ‘I could learn all those lines and achieve Ultra Fan Status.’
She chuckled—well, it was more a hiccup. Because she didn’t know if she could handle his presence when she was leading a tour. ‘You might be too much of a handful on my bus.’
He winked. ‘I do solemnly declare that I will never manhandle you on tour time. Only in the hotel every night.’
‘It’s not you I’m worried about.’ She smiled. It was her own urges. ‘But maybe I could travel with you sometimes?’
‘Any time you want. I won’t visit the lodges as much. I need to consolidate and I could stay in town more. Here.’
‘You’re going to move in with me?’ Her eyebrow took the upwards escalator that time.
‘If you’ll have me.’ He paused.
‘Is it going to be enough for you?’ What if he got bored and felt she was holding him back?
‘I’m talking long-term commitment, Ellie. I’m talking life. Literally. I want a family,’ he said softly.
‘You’re talking kids?’ Her voice lifted a dozen octaves. And he’d used the C-word?
‘And I want to be involved.’ He nodded, seeming to miss her total astonishment. ‘I don’t want them turning themselves inside out to get my attention. I don’t want to do that to our children. I want them to know how important they are.’
The security she hadn’t been given by her parents. Knowing he understood that made her melt completely. She leaned against his chest. ‘I think if you
