because the bench was behind her and she could not step back she lifted her hands to push him—yet she dared not touch. ‘Just go, Emir,’ she begged. ‘I can’t think straight when you’re around.’
‘I know,’ Emir said.
She shook her head, because how could he know how it felt? After all, he was standing calm and controlled and she was a trembling mess.
‘I know how impossible it is to make a wise decisions when love clouds the issue.’
She did look up then, shocked to hear him speak of love. A gasp came from her lips when he spoke next, when he said what no king should. ‘I have been considering abdicating.’
‘No.’ He must not think it—let alone say it. She knew from her time in Alzan the implications, knew how serious this was, but Emir went on undaunted. This distant man invited her closer, and not just to his body, but to his mind; he pulled her in so her head was on his chest as he told her, shared with her his hell.
‘Whenever I saw the twins laughing and happy, or crying and sad, I wanted them to come first—I did not want to rule a country that is disappointed by my daughters, that does not celebrate in their birthday, that will only be appeased by a son. When I am with my daughters all I want to do is step down …’
‘You can’t.’
‘I am not sure that I want to rule a country where I cannot change the rules. I’m not sure I want to give the people the son they want just to pass the burden on to him.’ He shook his head. ‘No, I will not do that to my son.’ He lifted her chin and looked into the eyes of the woman he loved and was completely sure. ‘I love you, and I cannot lose the woman I love again.’
And it was right, Amy thought, that he acknowledged Hannah—even right that the love he felt should be compared to the love he had had for the Queen. And it was said so nicely that she could not help but cry.
‘And neither can I put Clemira and Nakia through it again,’ he went on. ‘You have made my daughters so happy. They call you their mother—which is how it will be.’ He watched her shake her head at the impossibility of it all. ‘As soon as you left I wanted to get on a plane, but I knew I had to think this through. I will rule Alzan as best as I can in my lifetime, and if the people grow hostile, if things get too hard for you there, then the country will see less of their leader—for I will divide my time between there and here.’
‘No …’ Amy said, but he was close, and she was weak whenever Emir was around.
‘Yes,’ he said, and held her tight. ‘Anyway, we will have time to work things out.’ He could not help but tease, watching the colour spread up her cheeks as he spoke. ‘No one needs to find out for a while yet that you cannot have children.’
‘I told Natasha.’ She thought his features would darken with surprise, but instead he smiled.
‘I know you did.’
‘I was just tired of everyone assuming …’
‘I know.’ And he was smiling no longer. ‘I confronted Rakhal. I have told him my position.’
‘What did he say?’
‘That Alzan will be his.’ Emir shrugged. ‘I pointed out that if he does outlive me and inherit, one day it will be his son’s too.’ His voice was forboding, but the loathing was not aimed at her. She knew that. ‘If Rakhal takes it upon himself to inform my people that you cannot have a child …’ his features were dark, and now he was not smiling ‘… he will have me to deal with.’
‘I can’t marry you, Emir,’ Amy said. ‘I can’t stand knowing that I’m going to disappoint your people.’ That he loved her so much brought her both comfort and fear. That he would leave his country’s future in darkness for her was almost more than she could take.
‘It is not your burden to carry,’ Emir said. ‘I was coming to this decision even before the twins were born. I was already considering this. For Hannah’s heart was so weak I could never have asked her to be pregnant again. This is not of your making. We have time before the people know—time to work out how best to tell them.’
He was doing his best to reassure her, but even if his decision was right, she knew the pain behind it.
‘I can’t do it, Emir.’
‘You can with me by your side. I will shield you as I will shield the twins. You will be a wonderful queen,’ Emir said. ‘The people could not have better.’
‘ They could.’
‘ No.’
He meant it.
Every word of it.
His heart was at peace with the decision he had made. He would do everything he could for his people, but his heart belonged to his girls and he was strong enough to end the impossible burden, to cease the madness. He would not place that burden on a child of his.
And here it was—the illogical love that she wanted. Love was a strange thing: it made you both strong and weak. Strong enough to stand by your convictions … Weak enough maybe to give in.
Except this was Emir, and even if she forgot at times he was King this was her life and it would be in the spotlight.
As she wrestled with indecision the doorbell rang. She opened it to the man she had once thought she loved, and blinked at the phone he held out in his hand.
‘Thank you.’
She saw him look over her shoulder to where Emir was standing, saw the raising of his eyebrows, and then without a word he turned and Amy closed the door. She was nervous to turn around and face the man she knew she loved and would love for ever. But she had to be strong, had to say no, and that slight pause had given her a moment to regroup.
‘I left my phone …’ She felt his black eyes on hers and couldn’t quite meet them. ‘We went out before …’
‘I saw you return,’ Emir said. ‘I was waiting in my car for you. Now, we were talking about—’
‘Nothing happened,’ Amy broke in. ‘He just wanted …’
‘I do not care.’ She frowned, because surely he should care. ‘We were discussing our marriage—’
‘Emir!’ she interrupted him. ‘My ex-fiancé just came to the door, you know we’ve been out together tonight, and you don’t care?’ She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. ‘You don’t have questions?’
‘None,’ Emir said.
She was less than flattered. A bit of jealousy wouldn’t go amiss—after all, she had just been out with her ex.
‘Am I supposed to take it as a compliment that you trust me so much? For all you know—’
‘You could take a thousand lovers, Amy.’ It was Emir who interrupted now. Emir who walked to where she stood. ‘But each one would leave you empty. Each one would compare poorly to me.’
‘You’re so sure?’
