something in her eyes changed. His words had hit their intended target and he wished he’d kept his mouth shut. He wished he knew what she was feeling.
He wished to hell he knew if he was the only one suffering the same gut-rending, devastating force that held him motionless.
Rubbing her upper arms, she glanced away over her shoulder, as if a chill were stalking her. ‘It’s gorgeous outside. Why don’t we eat by the pool?’
They shared a bottle of white wine with their meal as the violet dusk settled into night and the insects chittered. He lit the tea candles he’d brought out with them so he could enjoy the way the light glinted on the gold highlights in her auburn hair.
He didn’t pay much attention to their conversation. He was too distracted by the sound of her voice and the way her hands moved as she talked and his own thoughts racing inside his head.
Until she said, ‘Gilda was telling me how you saved her life. She had other good things to say about you too.’
Thanks a lot, Gil. What he didn’t need right now was to have his life dissected, however well intentioned. The less Lissa knew, the less involved she’d be when he left. ‘I just did what anyone would have done.’
She spread her hands on the table. ‘I guess you’ve saved a lot of lives over your time in the navy.’
He shifted, uncomfortable with the conversation, and poured himself another glass of wine, drank half of it straight down. ‘It goes with the job.’
‘And do you—did you—like your job?’
‘It has its moments.’ He’d been thinking a lot about that over the past couple of weeks. He’d reached his personal horizon as far as the navy was concerned. It had been time to leave and plot a new course for his life.
‘So why did you join the navy?’
‘I always loved the sea. Its vastness. The solitude.’
‘Solitude? In a navy vessel?’ She grinned.
‘Yeah, okay, you got me there.’
‘I still remember when you left. Here one day, gone the next.’
He shook his head. ‘Not quite but it might have seemed that way.’
‘Heartbreaker,’ she murmured. ‘I cried for a week.’
He stared at her, remembering the young teenager and felt. odd. He was still uncomfortable by the whole idea that she’d more than likely projected her sexual fantasies onto him, a guy nine years her senior. ‘You did not.’
She lifted a shoulder. ‘Okay, maybe it was only a couple of days, but I might have if I… Not after. Never mind,’ she finished quietly. ‘It’s not important.’
And as if Lissa had conjured her up, an image of Janine shimmered in front of his eyes. The Ghost of Mistakes Past. His mood darkened. ‘Don’t stop now, it’s just getting interesting.’ He drained his glass, leaned back and gestured for her to continue.
She was silent a moment, then said, ‘Okay. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t hear the rumours.’ Her voice was as soft as the evening air.
‘Why would you?’
‘To spare you pain … or embarrassment maybe?’
He shook his head. Not pain, not any more. He’d taught himself not to react every time he thought of Janine. Not embarrassment because he didn’t give a rat’s ass what others thought they knew. ‘Don’t spare my feelings, Lissa. Either you believe the gossip-mongers or you don’t.’ Watching her, he reached for the wine bottle, raised it to his lips but didn’t drink.
‘I didn’t really know you back then. You weren’t real. You were more a. fantasy.’ She looked down at her hands, then back at him. ‘But I’m beginning to know the man you are now. You’re kind and generous, you’re a good listener, you care about others—’
‘But you don’t know whether to believe the rumours or not.’
She lifted her glass, sipped from it, set it down again. ‘Of course I don’t believe them.’
Was she telling the truth about how she felt? Or was it a carefully disguised attempt? He realised that what she thought mattered to him a great deal more than he’d have liked.
‘You can’t decide,’ he said, watching her. ‘You want to believe they’re lies but deep down inside you, there’s always been that doubt. Who is Blake Everett? Not the man you wanted to see, but the real man? Could he make a girl pregnant then walk away? Could he walk away from his own child?’
‘Stop it, Blake.’
‘And now we’ve had sex, you think a bit further. and you wonder, what if, just once, your pills don’t work? You ask yourself, ‘Would he walk away from me? Would he leave me to raise our child alone?’’
She shook her head, closed her eyes. ‘Stop.’
‘Maybe I could walk away. Maybe my upbringing convinced me that alone was best, that responsibility didn’t matter.’ He turned the bottle in his hands, studying the distorted image of the burning candle through the glass. Everyone had their own way of looking at things.
‘Or perhaps back then, I simply made the problem go away. Don’t tell me that never crossed your mind.’ He looked into her eyes, read the answer.
‘Blake, please, I know you better now.’
He picked up her glass, downed the rest of her wine in one long swallow and said, ‘Let me tell you about Janine.’
Y‘OU don’t have to. I know you’d never do what they say you did.’
He challenged her clear-eyed gaze. ‘Maybe I want to set the record straight.’ For you at least. He cared more than he wanted to what Lissa believed and what she thought about him.
He looked up, away from the warm distraction before him, to the cold blue emotionless stars. ‘I met Janine at the beach. She asked me about life-saving. Said she was interested in joining. She lived in a small apartment on the edge of town and was studying law and pulling late-night shifts at a nearby club to pay her fees.
‘Her body was every teenage guy’s fantasy but she didn’t even seem to be aware of it. She had a freshness about her and a keen mind and I found the combination irresistible.
‘We started dating. I saw her every day for lunch and in the evening before she had to go to work. We were together for two months. The houseboat didn’t feel right so I told her I intended getting us a bigger place and supporting her so she didn’t have to work nights. I’d already bought and sold my first property and was making a reasonable income at the dive shop.
‘But before we’d met I’d arranged to sail from Perth to Port Lincoln. I wanted to test my sea legs and the Great Australian Bight has some of the world’s roughest seas. Throw in some
