met her mother as a teenager. Her mother had not regretted never having got to know her and, more hurtfully still, had had no ambition to foster an adult friendship with her long-lost daughter either. It had been a one-off meeting and a disappointment. In truth it had made Ella better appreciate the family she did have.
‘Family can be toxic,’ Nikolai remarked with rich cynicism.
‘How...toxic?’ she questioned uncertainly. ‘Tell me about your childhood.’
‘It’s ugly.’
‘I can handle ugly. Tell me about your father.’
Nikolai grimaced. ‘He got into trouble from an early age. He was thrown out of several schools for dealing in drugs,’ he divulged.
‘How did you find that out?’
‘My grandfather’s solicitor told me what he knew about my background when he was trying to explain why the old man was so determined not to meet me,’ Nikolai explained with a wry twist of his expressive mouth. ‘Although my father was given every support to turn his life around and numerous second chances he continually chose to return to crime and violence.’
‘Some people are just born with that tendency,’ Ella imputed, sadness gripping her that Nikolai could not even respect his father’s memory. No son would want such a father and nor would he want to grow up in such a man’s image. ‘What about your mother?’
‘She was Russian...a lap dancer called Natalya.’
‘You’re half Russian?’ Ella cut in, her surprise unhidden.
‘When Natalya became pregnant with my sister, my father married her. Possibly the only conventional thing he ever did in his life. At some stage my grandfather disinherited him and cut off all contact with him. I have few memories before the age of five,’ Nikolai admitted stiffly. ‘I do remember chaos...shouts, screams, hiding behind a locked door with my sister begging me to keep quiet. My father was in and out of prison. We moved around a lot. There were frequent police raids, gang attacks. My sister looked after me.’
Ella was quietly appalled by what she was learning about his background and finally comprehending why Nikolai would say that a family could be toxic. ‘Why not your mother? Was she at work?’
‘No, she didn’t work. She was always in the background somewhere drunk or high. But for Sofia I would either have starved or been beaten to death. My father took his frustrations out on me,’ Nikolai volunteered without any expression at all, watching her as though he was measuring her reactions to what he was telling her, which made her all the more careful not to reveal a sympathy, which could hurt his pride. ‘He broke Sofia’s nose once when she came between us in an effort to protect me... I was more her child than my mother’s.’
‘I’m really sorry it was so bad for you,’ Ella whispered, green eyes luminous with a compassion she couldn’t hide.
She wondered if anyone but his sister had ever loved Nikolai. And he had lost her as well. Was that why he kept himself so isolated? Why he was so determinedly detached?
‘My parents died in a car crash when I was ten and my grandfather set up a trust to pay for my education. I was sent straight to boarding school in England.’
‘He saved every one of your school reports,’ Ella reminded him, because she had told him what she had found in his grandfather’s desk. ‘And yet he didn’t want to meet you?’
‘He was afraid of being disappointed. I think he’d already worked out by then that if you make an emotional investment in individuals you get hurt, and he was old and tired.’
‘So, he kept you at arm’s length.’ Ella sighed. ‘But he missed out on so much. Obviously you’re not like your father.’
‘I’m brighter but I don’t know that I’m better,’ Nikolai murmured with forbidding honesty, studying her in all her bridal finery. So appealing and beautiful, so vulnerable, so clean. She had probably never done a really mean thing in her life. Ella was too good for him. He knew that he didn’t deserve her. He had seduced her with blackmail into his bed...no honour or decency there! And if she knew him now as he truly was and stripped of pretence, she would never have married him.
‘Your troubled background was what made you...unsure about having a family, wasn’t it?’ Ella probed helplessly.
Nikolai shrugged a broad shoulder. ‘Of course. What does a man like me know about being part of a normal family? How could I ever be a father when I wouldn’t know where to begin?’
Ella paled. ‘You could learn.’
‘And what if I don’t have the interest to learn? I’ve heard that children put a lot of pressure on a relationship. Why would you take that risk?’ Nikolai enquired with sardonic bite.
Ella could only think of the tiny seed in her womb, which she would have protected with her life, and she turned her head away lest her face reveal too much. For the first time she was scared of what she had to tell Nikolai. It was true that, while he had no experience of family life, he could certainly learn. But would he want to learn? A baby coming so early in their marriage would definitely impose restrictions on them that he might well resent. Yet it was important to Ella that her baby have two loving parents, for she knew how much her own mother’s indifference had hurt her even as a young adult.
‘And I’m not unsure about whether or not to have children,’ Nikolai contradicted. ‘I have simply never felt the need to reproduce.’
‘But you agreed that if I—’ she began heatedly.
‘Yes. I’m not that selfish. I will adapt to whatever the future brings.’
But how far would ‘adapting’ get him if he had a fundamental dislike of the idea of becoming a parent? Ella repressed the thought and breathed in deep and slow. She had to be patient and understanding, not critical and pushy. Honey was much more effective than vinegar.
She collided with hard dark eyes, finally noticing the rigidity of his sculpted bone structure. Nikolai’s sheer tension leapt out at her. She had raised sensitive issues when she’d forced him to share the story of his dysfunctional childhood and family. Was it any wonder he was on the defensive? Still gorgeous though, no matter what mood he was in, she thought helplessly as she studied him, her guilty conscience assailing her until the germ of a wild idea struck her. The instant she thought of it she wanted to smash the mould of his undoubtedly low expectations and seduce him.
Could she? Dared she? Wasn’t this the male who had moved heaven and earth to bring her into his life and his bed? With Nikolai she never needed to doubt her welcome. Nikolai always wanted her. Uplifted by that conviction, she felt bold but she also needed to be closer to him and she craved the soothing balm of the intense connection they shared when they made love. Unclipping her seat belt, she stood up before she could lose her nerve. ‘Ask the cabin staff to stay out,’ she told him tightly.
His brow indented as he lifted the phone at his elbow and spoke. He stared at her, watching the colour rise in her cheeks. ‘Why?’
‘Newly married? Do not disturb? Do I need to draw a picture?’ she asked teasingly, feeling the wanton heat of anticipation coil at the heart of her.
‘I think perhaps you do,’ Nikolai murmured, still frowning, still not getting the message.
