I saw Max’s cheeseburger. This was going to be tough.
“Did you have fun last night?” he asked. “Before Dana freaked out?”
“Yeah, up until then.”
“Just … ignore everything she said. You’re obviously not disgusting.”
Only in this bizarre context could that give me the thrill of flattery.
“Thanks.”
“I don’t know why she attacked you like that.”
I shrugged. “I don’t, either.”
I considered the chicken tenders, and took another bite. Oh, big mistake. The second it hit my throat I had to cough and swallow hard.
“You okay?”
I nodded vigorously. Too vigorously. “Mmm. Oh, yeah, I’m fine.”
“Hey, so …” He looked uncomfortable. “I hope you didn’t take anything Dana said to heart last night.”
“I … No. I’m not even thinking about it.” My stomach felt as though it was being pulled like taffy. “You know, I just remembered something I need to do. I’m sorry.”
I fled from the hall like it was on fire. I jumped down the last four stairs of the staircase, and banged into a stall. I puked before I could get the door shut.
I was there for another fifteen minutes, my knees picking up God knows what off the floor, and my elbows turning red from being planted on the hard, plastic seat.
I wasn’t sure if I was miserable about having to dart from the conversation right then, or if I was okay with that. It had sounded a lot like I was about to get rejected when I’d never even offered myself.
I didn’t know. And before I could even begin to figure it out, the fluttering was back in my throat.
I slept until that night. Then of course, I could do nothing but sit up, wide-awake in my room. Dana read in her bed again, saying nothing about the night before, and all of Becca’s pictures still stared down at me. I looked away from them and spent the next ten minutes trying to read the spine of Dana’s book. Finally I saw what it was. It was called Coping, and was written by some doctor I couldn’t see the name of. I felt a small tinge of pity.
A knock came on my door at ten-fifteen. I opened the door to find Madison and Julia looking very serious. I had a feeling I was going to start feeling sick again.
“What’s up?”
“Would you mind coming over to our room for a minute?” Julia asked, as Madison looked at the floor.
“Okay.” I followed them, sat down on one of the beds, and they sat across from me. “If you guys are getting a divorce, I know it’s not about me.”
“It’s about Max and Johnny.”
“We just think it’s important for you to know a few things before your interest in either one of them goes any further.”
I was baffled. “My interest in either one of them? I don’t … What?”
Madison looked earnestly at me. “You already know Max was with Becca before she went missing. But what you might not know is that he was crazy in love with her. And so was Johnny.”
Johnny had loved Becca?
Julia took over. “But Max and Becca were so in love. He said he wanted to marry her and everything. She tried to break up with him a hundred times, and he always begged for her back.”
I found it hard to picture Max begging anyone for anything.
“If they were so in love, why did she try to break up with him so many times?”
They were silent for a few seconds, but then Madison spoke. “I really think they would have gotten married. And if—and when—she comes back … they’ll definitely get back together.”
“We just don’t want you to get hurt,” Julia explained.
“We don’t want that at all.”
“And if Johnny does have any interest in you, it’s kind of weird.”
My stomach was slowly plummeting. I didn’t even know him. “Weird, why weird?”
“I mean … she was the new girl last year. Now you’re here … in her room….”
“You even kind of look like her,” Julia said. She observed me for a moment and clearly decided that if I did indeed look like Becca, I was a much less attractive version. “No wonder he likes you.”
I froze. “I’ve only had a few conversations with him. I’m not trying to … anything.”
“But we also don’t want you to misread anything Max might say or do. He’s protective of girls, so if he talks to you it’s probably just him trying to make you feel better about how everyone is talking about you.”
“Is everyone talking about me?”
I wanted to go home.
The two girls stared blankly at me.
“Look,” I said, sparing them the duty of having to say yes, “I won’t go near either of them.”
“Do you promise?” Madison asked. “It’s really for your own good.”
“Yes. I’m—I’ve gotta go.”
I went back into my room. I wished I could run farther. It seemed suddenly to be a horrible idea, sleeping in the school you go to. Everyone was everywhere, every second of every day. And in high school, that’s pretty much the fastest way to lose your sanity.
I didn’t even know what I wanted, and Madison and Julia were assuring me that anything I might consider was out of the question. I couldn’t put one toe onto Becca’s property. Max could never like me. Johnny might, but I was supposed to know it was creepy. I got it. I wasn’t going to start “going after” anyone. I never had, and I wasn’t going to start now.
I sat down on my own bed, breathing hard. I looked straight across from me at all the many smiling faces of Becca, Becca and Max, Becca and Max kissing, Becca and Johnny, one of the three of them and Becca and the rest of her friends.
“Are you upset?”
I almost jumped at the sound of Dana’s voice. “Yes. I’m upset.”
“Why?”
“I’d rather not talk about it with you?”
Um. Obviously.
“Does it have to do with Max? I saw how you looked at him. You have feelings for him.”
“No, okay, I don’t.”
“You better not,
