for a long time I should do that, but I haven’t, and I’m sorry about that. Once, we shared something special, and I know I was the one who ruined it. I’ve faced the fact that we can never go back to where we were, but I would like for us to be friends, Jessica. It’s time we talked through whatever happened between us and made peace with each other.”
She studied his face. He looked sincere. But could she be sure? Once, she had loved him. Not only had she trusted him with her heart, but as her partner, she’d trusted him with her life. That was a long time ago, and a lot had happened since then. She didn’t know if there was any way they could ever be friends, and certainly they could never go back to the closeness they’d once shared.
After a moment, she pushed to her feet and shook her head. “I don’t think there’s any reason we need to continue this conversation. Let’s just say that we didn’t know each other as well as we thought we did and leave it at that. Now, I think you’d better leave.”
She turned to lead him to the door, but he sprang from the sofa and grabbed her by the arm. When she faced him, she almost gasped aloud at the anguish she saw in his eyes.
“No,” he said. “This isn’t going to end like the other times when I tried to make you understand. You’re going to let me speak. Then I’ll leave and never bother you again. But this once, will you put that stubborn Knight pride away and listen to what I have to say?”
Jessica didn’t move for a moment as her gaze drifted over his face. His eyes seemed to be pleading with her to remember the good times they’d had together, the laughter they’d shared and the feeling that maybe they’d stumbled upon something they’d both been searching for.
Then his parents were killed, and his attitude toward her changed. The pain she’d tried to ignore for the past four years stabbed at her heart as she remembered the cold tone of his voice as he told her they needed to put their personal relationship on hold while he dealt with the loss. Even though she was devastated, she’d tried to understand what he was going through. At least, she told herself, they’d still be working together, and she could help him work through his grief.
It didn’t take her long to realize he wasn’t about to let that happen. He’d wanted her out of his life on all levels, and it had broken her heart. Now he said he wanted to make things right. It was too late for that, but perhaps not too late to understand why it had all ended.
She pulled her arm free of his grasp and sat down in her chair. She leaned back, crossed her legs and folded her hands in her lap. “Okay, Ryan, I’ll listen. Maybe it’s time I understood why you asked to have me taken off the Harvey murder case we were investigating.”
* * *
He couldn’t believe how cold her eyes looked when she spit the accusation at him. He raked his hand through his hair and sat down on the sofa facing her. He scooted to the edge of the cushion and rested his arms on his knees.
“The first thing you need to know is that I never asked for you to be removed from the case.”
“Then why—”
He held up his hand for her to be silent. “Never. Let me say it again. I never asked to have you removed. I asked to be moved to another case and let you continue to work on finding Cal and Susan Harvey’s killer. The captain made the choice to move you to another partner and let me stay where I was.”
“That’s not the way it was told to me. The captain said you thought it was better if we didn’t work together anymore. When he told me that, I knew if you felt that way about me I couldn’t stay at the precinct and see you every day.”
“So you asked for a transfer.”
“I did. I thought maybe you’d stop me before it was granted, but you didn’t.”
“I wanted to explain.”
She sat up straight and stared at him. “Then why didn’t you?”
A scoffing laugh rumbled in his throat. “When I heard you were leaving the precinct, I came to you, but you wouldn’t listen. I don’t remember how many times I tried. The last time I made the effort to tell you, I came to your apartment, but you told me to never come near you again and slammed the door in my face.”
Her cheeks turned crimson, and she smiled sheepishly. “I remember. I think I also told you I’d have my brothers beat you up.”
“Yeah, but I knew they wouldn’t, even if you told them to.”
“But why did you ask to be removed from the case?”
Even after all these years he still found it hard to talk about his emotional state at that time in his life. “Do you remember what had happened right before we took on the Harvey case?”
“Yes,” she murmured. “Your parents were killed in a car wreck, and you had to take custody of your brother.”
He nodded. “Jamie, the one you met today. It was a terrible time for me. My folks were dead, and my teenage brother was beside himself not only with grief but over having to move to another neighborhood and change schools.”
“Why didn’t you move into your parents’ home so he didn’t have so many changes in his life? Wouldn’t that have been easier?”
“I thought about it. Unfortunately, the neighborhood had gone down a lot, and Jamie had started hanging out with a rough crowd. It was only a matter of time until he got into trouble. Dad had bought a new house out east of town right before he and Mom were killed in that wreck. He wanted to give Jamie a new start in another school. When I found myself as Jamie’s guardian, I thought we could live in my apartment since it was in a better neighborhood, but Jamie was unhappy there. He did everything he could to defy me. I couldn’t figure out how to make him understand I loved him and only wanted to help him. Out of desperation we finally moved to the house that Dad had bought. It turned out to be the best thing for Jamie. He made new friends and settled down.”
“Why didn’t you tell me all this?”
He shrugged. “Because it was my problem, not yours.”
“But, Ryan,” Jessica said, “I would have helped you.”
Ryan shook his head. “I didn’t want that. I was scared to death. Scared I couldn’t get Jamie straightened out. And scared I couldn’t be the kind of man you deserved in your life.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“You have a great family, Jessica. Your brothers aren’t afraid to tackle anything, and you’re just like them. I knew you had high expectations for the guy you would marry, and my mind was in such turmoil that I knew I couldn’t give you what you needed.”
“Ryan, you were wrong.”
He paused and closed his eyes for a moment, then took a deep breath. “Maybe so, but I wasn’t thinking straight, and I found myself making mistakes on the job. And I couldn’t forget how my last partner had died.”
Jessica leaned forward and stared at Ryan. “You’re still blaming yourself for Al Stevenson’s death? It wasn’t your fault that he was killed.”
Ryan pushed to his feet and gritted his teeth. “He was my partner. If I’d been covering him
