her hair was less well groomed. He smiled. On television it fell in a smooth, swinging bob. On balance he preferred it windswept and blown around her face. Made her seem more approachable. More real.
His fingers reached out to re-tune the radio away from the high-pitched woman who was screeching about needing nothing but love. Not much chance of that if she yelled all the time. He flicked through the pre-set channels before settling on the classical one and then laid his head back on the headrest and closed his eyes.
On television Kate seemed commanding and playful. The personification of glossy, successful living. The flesh and blood woman was more confused. Vulnerable. That was the word. Katie Simmonds had always been vulnerable.
And beautiful.
He didn’t quite know where that thought had come from, but she was beautiful. She had a restful, intelligent face. One that came alive because of her eyes.
He remembered her eyes. How they could laugh while the rest of her face was impassive. And how they’d followed him around, devoted. It had been quite unnerving being the object of a teenage crush. He smiled as he wondered whether she remembered.
It certainly wouldn’t happen now. Life had moved on for the cosmopolitan Kate Simmonds. She wouldn’t give a man like him the time of day. Preoccupied, exhausted and old beyond his years. What was there about him that would interest her in the slightest? God knew why that should bother him, but it did.
Kate felt sick. It was as though she’d been punched hard in the stomach and was left reeling on the floor.
Debbie was pregnant.
Very pregnant.
She lifted her hand and waved at Debbie, who was standing in the doorway, before reaching down into the foot-well for her handbag. It was a chance to hide her face for a second. Give her a moment to school her features into delight.
Why hadn’t Debbie warned her? Told her she was expecting a baby, so she could prepare herself?
But she knew why.
Debbie wouldn’t have known how to find the words. Not when she knew how much Kate’s infertility still hurt her. She brushed a hand over her face and opened the door, pulling her collar up against the rain.
‘You’d better make a run for it,’ Debbie called into the wind, one hand cradled protectively over her stomach. ‘It doesn’t look like the rain’s going to stop any time soon.’
Kate slammed the door shut and scurried into the house. ‘This is vicious weather.’
‘You’d better give me your coat. I’ll hang it in the utility room to dry,’ Debbie offered practically. She waited while Kate unbuttoned it and handed it over before she said, ‘We’ll bring in your case later.’
‘I don’t know…Debs, I…’ Kate began awkwardly, her eyes drifting to Debbie’s distended stomach. ‘I think I might be better off staying at your mum’s. I don’t want to get in the way. I—’
Debbie smiled tearfully and then nodded. ‘I know, Kate. I do understand. Particularly with me like this.’ She turned and walked through the kitchen to the utility room.
Kate followed her as far as the kitchen and stood with her back against the melamine worktop. What was the matter with her? Why couldn’t she do this? She’d known since she was twenty-two that she couldn’t have children. It wasn’t a new discovery.
‘I thought you’d say that,’ Debbie said, coming back into the room. ‘I put fresh sheets over there yesterday afternoon. I just hoped you might be able to.’
Guilt washed over her. ‘You know I’m really pleased for you. It’s just—’
‘Difficult for you,’ Debbie finished for her.
Kate tried to smile but it didn’t quite work. The corners of her mouth lifted but her breath caught in her throat in a painful lump. Difficult didn’t even begin to describe how painful she found being around pregnant women and babies.
She’d had six years to become accustomed to the knowledge she’d never have children. Six years since a ruptured appendix had changed her life.
Every moment of that time was ingrained in her mind. She could see Aunt Babs, her round face concerned and supportive, sitting by her bed, and hear Dr Balliol’s clipped accent as he told her there’d been only limited damage to one fallopian tube. In itself it wouldn’t have been catastrophic. But…
It was the ‘but’ that had taken away any hope she might have had. The operation had revealed that her ovaries hadn’t formed properly. A ‘genetic abnormality’. She would never have children.
Never.
At twenty-two she hadn’t even realised she wanted children, but the word never was a for ever type of word. It meant for all time. It was beyond her control. It was until the day she died. She would never have a baby.
Kate looked up and met Debbie’s grey eyes. Their gentle expression told Kate that she remembered too. The memory of that time was never very far away—for either of them. Debbie had been thirteen weeks pregnant. The contrast in destiny between the two of them couldn’t have been more marked.
Debbie’s hand lay protectively over her tummy. ‘It doesn’t matter, Kate.’
‘It does. I wish…’ She trailed off, uncertain what she actually did wish. That things were different? That she wasn’t here? That she were stronger and able to accept the things she couldn’t change?
Kate hated herself for not being stronger. She could see the exhaustion in Debbie’s face. Her eyes were bloodshot and tears were obviously not far from the surface. If there’d ever been a time when she could have paid something back to Debbie for her good-natured acceptance of her into her childhood home, this was it. But…
As though she knew what she’d been thinking, Debbie broke into her thoughts. ‘I’m just so glad you’re here. I’ve been half expecting you to telephone to say you wouldn’t be able to make it and I don’t think I can do this by myself. I miss Mum so much. I keep thinking about how she won’t see my baby now.’
Her round face crumpled and Kate forgot herself and reached for her. She wasn’t even aware of the baby bump between them.
‘It’s due in another six weeks. Not long. If she’d just managed to wait…’
‘I’m sorry, Debs. I really am,’ Kate murmured, stroking her hair. For a few minutes she held her, letting her cry softly into her shoulder.
‘I shouldn’t be doing this to you,’ Debbie said, pulling away and blowing her nose in a tissue. ‘I promised myself I wouldn’t do this as soon as you arrived. But I’m just so pleased to see you. I really need you to be here.’
Kate reached out and laid her hand on Debbie’s swollen abdomen. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she asked softly. ‘About the baby?’
‘I didn’t know how to. Do you mind very much?’
Beneath Kate’s hand she felt a hard kick. She looked up to see Debbie pull a face. ‘Did that hurt?’
‘Not
