love to him with all my heart, and had the happiness of feeling his response.
‘Do you know how much I want you?’ he whispered.
‘Not until you show me,’ I whispered back.
So he did, easing over me and accepting the welcome I offered him. We became one with mutual joy. I could see my own feelings mirrored in his eyes and I smiled, knowing that he was as much mine in that moment as I was his.
And we were still each other’s when he left me, because we lay for a long time holding on, making the moment last. Maybe I only imagined it, but I like to think we fell asleep in the same moment.
I awoke after an hour. It wasn’t yet dawn, so I still had a little longer before life ended. Jack was sleeping on his front, his face turned towards me, his lips moving slightly as he breathed.
I kissed him. He didn’t stir, and I kissed him again, then again, saying goodbye. I tried not to cry, but I was never going to see him again and I couldn’t stop. A tear fell on his face. I dried it quickly and turned over to muffle the rest in the pillow.
Behind me I heard him stir and move closer to me, saying softly, ‘Are you all right?’
I muttered and buried my face deeper in the pillow. I didn’t want him to know I was crying.
I felt him settle down and go to sleep against me, his arm over me. Oh, Jack, Jack!
I took the coward’s way, slipping out in the dawn without waking Jack. He’d moved by then, and I was able to ease my way out of the bed without disturbing him.
After the loving we’d had it was cruel to leave him like that. It had probably been cruel to make love to him at all, but I wasn’t strong enough to do anything else. After Jack, life was going to be a bleak vista of greys, and I would need that night to help me through it.
Luckily he’s a heavy sleeper, and I was able to write my letter, dress and slip out without him knowing. I took a taxi to the railway station and a train to London, heading for Uncle Alec’s house and reaching it just before lunch.
Grandad was there, actually looking out of the window, and the sight of his face when he saw me made me feel for a moment that all the pain was worth it. I wasn’t always going to believe that, but I did at that moment. When the front door was opened he flung his arms around me, and I could actually feel him sobbing with relief.
I did a bit of crying too. It was so good to have him back, and now he was all I had to love.
Let me try to show him to you. Imagine Father Christmas—big white beard, twinkling eyes, the lot. At first sight he comes across as naïve and gullible, which part of him is. But there’s more to those eyes than a twinkle. He knows, as the saying goes, how many beans make five. He also knows how to pretend they’re six.
That’s my grandad. Great-hearted, generous, lovable, shrewd, dodgy, wildly unreliable and slightly potty.
‘Where’ve you been, girl?’ he asked, wiping his eyes. ‘I’ve missed you.’
‘I’ve missed you too,’ I said huskily. ‘I told you I was working on a ship. I left it at Southampton this morning and came straight here.’
‘Yeah, I remember you telling me now. Do well out of it, did you?’
I didn’t bother him with the details of how I’d changed ships. He didn’t need to know.
‘Yes, I did pretty well,’ I said cheerfully.
By this time the rest of the family were collecting around us. Most of them had come there today, so that we could have a party to celebrate. Alec, Hetta, more uncles and several of my cousins. Not all, of course, because two were unavoidably detained.
The mood was very jolly. They noticed the suitcases Jack had bought me, and their obvious value caused some comment. When I opened one to take out a dress for the party there were cheers as they viewed the contents.
‘Here, girl, you found yourself a millionaire, or what?’
‘Or what!’ I said, trying to laugh. ‘Definitely what!’
Maria, Hetta’s eldest daughter, held up one of the other dresses and twirled with it.
‘Don’t suppose your “what” has any brothers?’ she asked.
‘No, he’s unique,’ I said.
All three of Hetta’s daughters were into full-time shoplifting now, and doing very well at it. Lisa had tried something more sophisticated—computer hacking and stealing credit card numbers on-line. But she didn’t have a gift for it and made such a mess of things that she had to dump a valuable laptop in a lake to get rid of the evidence. At least, she thought it was valuable. She hadn’t been able to ask the price when she obtained it, but she’d seen one like it in a catalogue.
So she rejoined her sisters in the shops, and was soon back in business. The family were dead proud of them all. Hetta was especially proud of Lisa, who’d tried to broaden her horizons and ‘dream her dreams’.
‘She may have made a mess of it, but you’ve got to hand it to her for trying,’ she said.
‘Are you all right, luv?’ Grandad asked me halfway through the evening.
‘Yes, I’m fine.’
‘Only, you’re just staring into space.’
‘I guess it all feels a little weird to hear them talking that way, as though it’s the same as any other career. At any minute I expect to hear that they’re going to have a convention and an awards scheme.’
‘Well, I wouldn’t win any awards for that last job,’ he said with a sigh.
‘No, and there aren’t going to be any more,’ I told him firmly. ‘You’ve retired.’
It was a good party. Grandad and I stayed the night, but we were both looking forward to leaving next day and getting back to our own home. It was a tiny rented apartment in South London. Nothing grand, but it was cosy, and even now I loved it. We’d been happy there.
The first day at home wasn’t too bad because there was so much to do. Cleaning, buying food, making lots of tea and chatting while we drank it. After the jollity of the night before Grandad was a bit quiet, and once he just stopped what he was doing and flung his arms around me. I comforted him as I would have done a child, because that was what he was now. He was my child and I was going to protect him.
But when it was time to go to bed and I found myself alone there were no more defences against what was happening inside me. I loved Jack, and I’d walked away from him. It was for ever. No going back.
If I should weaken I had only to remember the party yesterday—crooks, con merchants, jailbirds, all milling around swapping jokes as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Even to mention Jack’s name among them could damage him, and I wouldn’t do it.
Suddenly I felt colder than at any time in my life. I got up and turned on the heating. But I was still cold.
After that first salary cheque, Jack had given me another one, so for a while
