stopped, paused, bored, broke, too anxious, too analytical, lacking confidence, uninspired, disconnected, on the wrong path, headed in the wrong direction, bottomed out, mired in the past, worried about the future, disappointed, afraid, untrusting, unforgiving, suspicious, angry, frustrated, or just plain stuck in a cycle, I’m your guy and these are your pages.
No, really, they’re yours. Don’t just read them, use them.
Let’s get to the blackened heart of that bullshit, then root it out.
In my last book, Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life, I wrote about the constant internal chatter that we all deal with. The noise of opinion, judgment, reasons, fears, and excuses that rattle around in our heads every moment of every day. Sometimes it’s loud, sometimes it’s quiet, but nonetheless, it’s always there. Your self-talk is the locker room of your life. Where everything is strategized and worked out. Where your plans for yourself live and die.
Most of these plans never see the light of day. Especially the good stuff, the dreams. You kill them where they rise. In your head.
In short, you are what you talk about, or rather you are the nature of what you talk about. If, for you, life is too much, it really is too much! The confusion is that you think life is a certain way and you are just reporting on what you are seeing. But that’s actually backward. The reality is, you create your experience of life in your self-talk and then act accordingly. And you’re doing it all the time. You’re never (like never, ever) acting upon life itself. What you are acting on is your opinion of life. That’s why it’s such a different experience for each of us.
Life just is. What you call it is up to you. Bear in mind you’ll have to live with your call. And you do.
This isn’t something new either.
Philosophers such as Hans-Georg Gadamer, Edmund Husserl, and Martin Heidegger explored the importance of language and how it molds our as-lived experience of absolutely everything. Those feelings you have (or lack thereof) are constituted in your language. Your talk is your life, and we see it most glaringly in your regular little sashays into the world of self-sabotage.
This may require a bit of radical thinking on your part, but in a very real sense, your emotions and your conversations are in a constant tango with each other, swaying and swooping through life. As a society we have become increasingly addicted to changing our emotions—to feel happier, more confident, more whatever—and all without addressing what is enlivening those states. It’s not the sucky life you seemingly have but your dialogue about your life that has you by the throat, and the vast majority of that dialogue is blissfully unnoticed and therefore unexplored by you. It’s running in the background.
This book takes the work we started in Unfu*k Yourself to the next level. We’re out to finally uncover your personal brand of self-talk and discover why it remains the source of all that’s currently shitty in your life. In the day-to-day living of our lives, we mostly just experience the moods and emotions of our internal chatter without doing the work to determine what it’s really saying. So, if you’ve ever wanted to know why you talk to yourself in the way you do and, more specifically, what it is that drives that talk . . . read on.
Before you start to think I’m slipping into another “positive thoughts” cliché, let’s get something clear. There’s a reason simply changing your self-talk to “I’m good enough” or “I’m smart enough” or “I am loved” or “I can do it” to overcome the negative BS doesn’t quite work for everyone.
The problem with that approach is that it doesn’t address the muck. You just can’t be one way to overcome another way that you don’t like. You can’t short-circuit the process. It’s the emotional equivalent of sweeping the dead cockroaches under the rug before your friends arrive. Sure, it all looks good, but in your heart of hearts you know the dead cockroaches are still there. It’s like that in our minds—when we sweep the negative emotion under our mental rug, deep down we still know something else. Something more akin to the truth. It’s like lying to yourself but you just don’t believe the lie. A con game.
We’re using these pages to get under that rug. To reveal those hidden emotional cockroaches and free you up, to let you authentically be rather than pretend to be. You can, of course, shift your emotional state by doing, a process I covered in my first book, but the common denominator in all of this is language.
The way we work is that we can only ever be one way at a time. You can’t be angry and loving simultaneously in a single moment. It’s one or the other. You can’t be forgiving and resentful or indifferent and sad. At any moment in time, you’re always being one way and ONLY one way.
Before we dive in, a few people commented that my last book didn’t say much about me, so I’m rectifying that right here and now.
I’m Scottish. Full-on accent, with a penchant for kilts and crappy weather.
I love empowering people. My life’s work is to give people something that might allow them to change their lives for the better. I don’t do that by telling you you’re awesome or that one day your ship will come in or that everything happens for a reason or any other kind of modern, new-agey schtick that some people have come to adopt.
I give it to you straight. Right between the eyeballs. You are the problem, and you are the solution!
(As a related aside, someone once told me I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. “Tea isn’t everyone’s cup of tea either” was my response.)
I’m also not arrogant enough to think I could solve a conundrum that has perplexed philosophers, scholars, scientists, and great minds as far back as we (or at least I) can trace. My single intention is to make a difference with one person. You. That’s it. If you’re reading this and focusing on how it applies to your spouse, your dad, your boss, your cousin, or your ex, you’re completely missing the point.
This book is for you and about you.
That’s it.
So, what is this book?
For starters, this book is a short, intense jolt to your way of thinking. I’m not out to give you all the answers here. Your answers will come from you. They always do. This is more like a catalyst, providing questions and ways of looking at things that will spark something in you and cause you to take on your life in a new way.
Inspiration, motivation, passion, and whatever else you are looking for in your life is on you. That has been the case in the past, it is the case in the present, and it will be the case in the future.
A big part of living the life you want is taking ownership of your choices, now and in the future. This book is more like a voyage of self-discovery, of thinking about and uncovering and ultimately revealing your true nature. When you finally understand where you are coming from, you are giving yourself a greater shot at changing how your life will go.
I approach this book from
