She drew a breath. ‘You had great plans for your career and it bothered me that you might lose sight of them after what happened.’
‘Those plans were what kept me going at times, even if they were somewhat altered.’ The sadness was rolling off him in waves. Seemed his emotions were all over the place, too.
Tori wanted to hug him. Not that she would. That’d only lead to misunderstandings. Thank goodness some grains of sense remained in her brain. ‘I’m glad you’ve done so well. Truly glad. You deserved a second chance.’
‘You think?’ Doubt imbued his question.
‘Yes, I do. Always have, what’s more.’ She spun around to stare at him, saw when caution registered in his eyes, replacing that sadness. She’d touched on the taboo subject when she’d sworn she wouldn’t. What made her think they could talk about it now when they hadn’t been able to at the time they’d been living through it? ‘It was the same for me. The work keeping me on the straight and narrow, I mean.’ She grimaced. ‘Sorry, let’s drop this.’ So much for light and happy.
‘It’s as though we haven’t moved on, as if the last seven years add up to nothing, great careers notwithstanding. There’s this enormous block in the way of even having an everyday conversation.’ He’d stopped walking and now stood looking at her. ‘Do you want to finish your walk alone?’ The loneliness in his voice wrapped around her heart.
‘No,’ she whispered. ‘No. I’d like to catch up a bit. I promise to stick to safe topics.’
Ben remained absolutely still, just watching her. If she hadn’t known better she’d almost think he cared something for her. But she did know better. He’d left her. Told her it was over and packed his bags, his explanation leaving a lot to answer for.
Help. What could she say to him that would make him relax? Nothing came to mind. Her mind was blank. For so long she’d wanted the opportunity to ask Ben the real reason he’d left her; why he hadn’t wanted to tell her his side of what had happened that day in Theatre that had cost his patient’s life and put his future in jeopardy; or had he stopped loving her as easily as he’d made out? Except he’d never said precisely that, she realised with a shock. Only hinted at it. But now it was too late, and any answers wouldn’t change a thing. They’d both moved on, created new lives, and now, at this very moment, she had to make light conversation.
Slowly she turned and continued walking, suddenly afraid he’d leave her to go back to the hotel. She wanted him with her. Why? She had no idea, only knew that she hadn’t had enough time with him yet. She held her breath until he finally joined her. They walked in silence for a few minutes, then Tori said, ‘Tell me what your brother’s been up to lately.’
‘Adam’s married to a woman who keeps him in line, and he loves every minute of it. They have two beautiful little girls who I get to see a couple of times a year when they come to London.’
‘Bet they adore Uncle Ben,’ she managed to gasp out as her stomach cramped. On their first date he’d told her he wanted children one day. If only he knew how close they’d come to being parents. Again her finger rubbed the bracelet. She’d kept a secret from Ben when she shouldn’t have. This was a minefield. Not talking at all was awkward, but discussing everyday stuff exposed other issues that had festered over the years.
‘Of course.’ Ben smiled softly, like he had a store of memories in his mind of his nieces. After a moment, he asked quietly, ‘Are you in a relationship?’
‘No, I’m not. Most men I meet prefer a woman who comes home at the same time every night and cooks dinner and entertains them.’ No man had the ability to turn her bones to syrup with just a look. No man except the one walking beside her.
‘You’re looking in the wrong places.’
I’m not looking. Another change of subject was needed—fast. ‘Tell me about working in Sydney. You worked with some wonderful surgeons. I wondered if you might’ve stayed on there to set up your own clinic.’ That had to be safe, hadn’t it?
‘You really did keep up with my career.’
‘Of course I did.’ She hadn’t been able to help herself. ‘Knowing how fantastic you were at what you did I couldn’t bear the thought you mightn’t achieve your dreams.’ Why had she said that out loud? Ben didn’t need to know she’d still cared enough to follow his career, or that she’d been breaking up inside, thinking he’d lost his chance at success because of what had happened in Auckland. She still wanted to know all the details of that botched operation, but not once had he told her a thing, so the chances of him telling her were now zilch.
‘You and me both. But …’ He hesitated. Wondering how far to take this conversation? It was a little too close and personal, considering where their relationship was. ‘Moving to Sydney turned out to be a good decision.’
It must’ve been difficult, starting afresh with a malpractice issue against his name. ‘I’m glad you see it like that.’
He shrugged. ‘Not a lot of choice. I was given a second chance. Of course I grabbed it.’ He paused before saying, ‘Working in a different environment opened my eyes to the fact that a department could be run very successfully without a domineering man like my father at the helm.’
‘He did have a reputation for great work.’ Tori shuddered. And bull-minded tactics for getting exactly what he wanted.
Ben nodded. ‘Sure, he did. But he could’ve achieved that without being so dictatorial.’
Who was this Ben? The man she’d married hadn’t done talking about important things, had never criticised his father. Ben always told you how much he loved you. Okay, that had been important.
Tori sighed. Why was she even thinking about the past? Their marriage was well and truly over. Right now all she wanted to do was enjoy being in France and having some fun for a change. Fun that didn’t, shouldn’t, include Benji.
Torture. Walking beside Tori, not touching, was pure torture. Listening to her voice, seeing the animation coming and going in her face whenever she turned his way. Definitely torture. Ben fought the need to wrap an arm around Tori’s shoulders, to feel her move under his grasp. That would be for himself, not for her. She wouldn’t appreciate the action. He’d been kidding himself to think he’d be able to see her and walk away unscathed. How could he when he still had deep feelings for her? Feelings he would not be acting on. Loneliness fired up, trampled on his heart.
He’d only ever felt this alone once before—when he’d left Tori. Now he was with her and nothing had changed. He dragged air into his lungs. Warm sea air from the Mediterranean. Tori must be beside herself about being here. ‘So you’re going to Paris after this?’ When she nodded, he asked, ‘Are you one of those Monsieur Leclare has asked to repeat your talk at the medical school?’
‘Yes. Are you?’
He nodded. ‘I’m replacing my colleague, who couldn’t make it.’ Then, ‘I’m looking forward to hearing you speak tomorrow.’
Her shoulders tensed for a moment. ‘I’m as nervous as I’ve ever been.’
‘Get away with you. It’ll be a walk in the park.’ Tori had never had a problem with talking, one on one or in a group.
‘Thanks for the vote of confidence.’ Her smile was tender,
