of love. May I ask you for a favor?
-Sure, Sam.
-Come and see her often, your company is nice for her and it helps. I have seen that you always have the right words to make people feel good.
This declaration surprised me, because for a long time I had been a specialist in the art of embittering life. The idea of reaching peace and offering it to others was new, and that comforted me.
One Friday, by the end of April, when a walk was so urgent, I went near the Sea Palms restaurant. Jodie was back from San Diego, and received me with a hug. She had brought me a nice gift. A kitchen apron with the slogan: «men at work».
-I never sit down to dine at work, but I’ll make an exception with you -joked Jodie.
We dined and talked.
I told her about Lorena, and about my friend Sam, of how small my pain was compared with his. I also told her about the finding of a good book: Universe Partner. And when I mentioned the title she smiled shifting her glare from mine.
-You know it? Have you read it? -I wanted to know. -Somehow, yes, I have -she played with some crumbs in the table cloth, and tapped her fingers.
-What do you mean with somehow? Explain yourself, Jodie.
-I’ll tell you Victor, but first tell me what you think about it.
-Great. The amazing thing is how it got to my hands. You see, I went to the library -it doesn’t matter where. And while I was checking through some novels, from a bookshelf close by, a book fell to the floor without any reason for it. I picked it up, glanced through it and bought it. Curious situation, right?
-I don’t believe you found it just by chance, that book was looking for you. We usually don’t pay attention to intuition. Only the rational, as if the irrational were absurd or wrong. Different, not worse. Why would logic explain it all?
Before I could answer, the sommelier appeared to fill our wine glasses. Jodie put her hand over the cup, apologizing for her lack of habit.
-Why not? -I answered-. I support myself more with my senses than my intuition. Although, with the decision of buying the book…
-Change it and your life will change. I was asking for a scientific proof and got it by showing myself. Only change some ideas, it doesn’t seem so hard, does it?
-I try, Jodie, and I ask you to be patient. I still need to clear up so many things …
I was confused. I had so much information, but needed time to understand it and, definitely, to make it mine. I am receptive, but at a certain age you have constructed your beliefs and your value system. And you resist modifying it.
-If you try, you won’t get it, Victor. Set your mind to it, and you will. It is a matter of compromise.
-You might be right, Jodie -I nodded-. I’ll think about it.
We got coffee served -from an instant decaf coffee with sweetener-: a coffee that was not a coffee.
-I know that there is a part of me -I admitted- that dislikes the uncertainty and the possibility of a mistake.
-That part doesn’t let you grow. Allow yourself to some mistakes every now and then, which would be a wise move. At the end, we are not perfect, nor are we going to meet the day we become.
An employee from the restaurant came to our table. They needed Jodie; they had a problem in the reception area. A bad tempered client arguing about a non registered reservation. Jodie never confronted him, she let him talk and talk, and then offered him a couple of solutions. She managed to make that person feel valued. No doubt about it, Jodie knew how to manage people. I, from the table, observed how she managed in that incident. Maybe her self confidence was inherited from her rigid family in Boston, but the warmth in her came from a big heart.
-Now I know why you were chosen for this job.
-It’s not a big deal, I have my own manual with answers to the hundred most frequent problems -she joked, subtracting importance.
-Wow, I hope you never need to use it with me.
-Don’t worry, when I am with you I forget about everything and stay unarmed.
We continued with our conversation, and Jodie commented something about a book continuation. I must admit I didn’t understand her comment about the second part. No. Unless… she was the author or editor of Universe Partner, the book we were commenting. But that didn’t seem possible. The book was signed, as I remembered, by a Nathan East. Jodie saw the confusion in my expression.
-See, Victor… I wrote the book under the pseudonym of Nathan East.
Her? I needed to set my ideas in order. Was she saying that she had written it? The worse thing was she had read my thoughts once more. I had not yet come out of my amazement, when she took my hand dragging me out of the store, she proposed:
-Come on, let’s take a walk and I’ll tell you about it.
-Yes, Mister Nathan East, let’s go out -I said ironically, confused and pretty mad for that last minute revelation.
-Eeeeh! -She softly hit me on the chest with her fist.- let’s be friends, ok?
Once in the street, I said:
-It makes me angry to know only half of the truth. Why did you hide this from me, Jodie? -I guess I was the image of antipathy.
-Matter is: why didn’t you ask me? How would I have known you read my book?
-Come on Jodie, why would I ask you, if I didn’t even suppose… for heaven’s sake! It seems as if you where hiding a certain part of yourself. I don’t know, but sometimes you are ambiguous and reserved. You aren’t a hundred percent honest. What is the mystery? We are both adults; explain it to me and I´ll understand!
-I’m sorry, but people discover one another. We don’t send each other a presentation dossier. You knew I wrote it. I only wanted to know your impartial opinion before telling you that book is mine.
-The guessing game? I can’t understand you, Jodie. What do you expect from me?
When I am angry, I am unable to get rid of the anger. I’ve fallen several times in that trap, and several times I’ve damned myself for not fixing my character. But I wished to get rid of the confusion inside of me. I felt trapped by so many questions. Her excessive assertiveness, compared by my incisive doubts made me uncomfortable. With her I was not myself. Or maybe, for once I was. Maybe that is what made me uncomfortable: to meet the real me. On top of it all, I couldn’t know the place I had in her life, or even less what place I had in her heart.
Inside of me blew storm winds, under its black clouds, I felt fragile and vulnerable. In this storm I felt as a paper boat floating.
I turned at the corner, walked and walked under the lights and shadows of the night. I walked adrift and when I finally stopped, I felt like an idiot who had just committed its last stupidity. I retraced my steps, and went back to the studio. I sat in the building’s gate stairway.
A short time later Sam came back from the hospital. He sat by my side,
