myself, as I struggled with my question of whether or not to leave religious life and the priesthood, I sensed that my answer could only be found within myself. Although I had been sharing my question with my spiritual director and psychiatrist who were both trying to help me sort out the issues involved in trying to make a decision, I realized that ultimately the decision was mine. For me, realizing this was scary. Like Rilke suggested, I had to go into myself. But where would it lead?
The reason why the questions we ask in life are so important is because they give direction to our lives. It’s the questions we ask that give rise to our answers which in turn influence the many choices we make about how to live our lives. This is why it is crucial to ask the right questions. And it’s our choices in life that will determine the kind of person we will become.
In 1968, Thomas Merton wrote his second diary, which he called Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander. He said that this book was completely different in its style and content from his first diary, The Sign of Jonas, which he wrote in 1953. This second diary was “a personal vision of the world in the 1960s.” It was different, he felt, because his questions about life, society, and issues in the world were very different. Over those fifteen years, Merton said: “these notes . . . are an implicit dialogue with other minds, a dialogue in which questions are raised. But do not expect to find answers. I do not have clear answers to current questions. I do have questions, and, as a matter of fact, I think a man is known better by his questions than by his answers.”10
After being in the monastery for twenty-seven years, Merton had come to realize the importance of asking the right questions for our lives. It is our questions that allow us to grow spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically.
Sometimes, we have to deal with other questions before we can find the right question. That is the way it was for me. Ever since I was a novice in our Order in 1962, I was constantly plagued by questions whether I could live this life. Could I live my vows in a healthy way and not be crippled by them? Could I find happiness in living community life? Over the years, I had lived with some friars who seemed to be unhappy all the time. For a variety of reasons, they were difficult to live with. Had religious life made them this way? Did living the vows end up having this kind of negative impact on their development? I was afraid that this might happen to me.
Later on, some of my other questions focused on several physical ailments I was constantly experiencing. What was causing these daily headaches that were so difficult to treat? Why was my stomach always bothering me? At other times, my questions would center around the depression I was struggling with. Not only why was I depressed but what could I do about it? I struggled with these types of questions for years looking for answers before I allowed the right question to seep into my consciousness—should I stay in religious life and the priesthood or not? What was the “afternoon of my life” saying to me?
8. Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet, 34–35.
9. de Mello, The Heart of the Enlightened, 38.
10. Merton, Conjectures, 1.
Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.
Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».
Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию на ЛитРес.
Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.
