to becoming a lawyer. He should have been stiff and stodgy; all the teachers were. Safe even, but nothing about the way he stared at me spelled “safe.”
Sometimes, I imagined that he stared, that his gaze traced the curve of my leg or lingered on my lips. I dreamed that he wanted me, masturbated in his shower thinking about taking me over his desk. I dreamed that he couldn’t control himself when it came to me, that I was so beautiful, so perfect that he couldn’t say no.
No imagination needed on my end. I definitely wouldn’t say no.
Mr. Parker was nine years older than I was – yes, I stalked him – and a man of that age had years of experience I could only dream about. That easily spelled trouble for me, but I wasn’t running away from it. I wanted him and if I had to be punished because of it, I was fine with that, as long as Mr. Parker was doing the punishing.
Anne was writing something down on a piece of paper while the others worked on a practice test and whispered about what they were doing over the summer. I couldn’t care less.
Why would I, when the only thing I wanted was standing right in front of me?
I spun around when another piece of paper hit my head. Anne raised and lowered her eyebrows at me. I realized my imagination had run wild again. I should’ve known better. Having almost-sex with Mr. Parker would never happen in real life. I saw him every day in class, and he’d never want anything to do with me. I was his student and too young. Yes, I was eighteen, but still...
The whole situation was hopeless. A man like him wanted a woman, not a girl. He would want woman who was experienced and worldly and didn’t look like a lost puppy with a leash around its neck. I tried to brush the thought aside. It made me sad because I couldn’t be alluring and experienced unless I fucked someone else and the only one I wanted was him.
I tried as best as I could to not think about it anymore, as I smoothed out the paper Anne had thrown.
“You’re undressing our teacher with your eyes. Don’t deny.”
“Shut up”. I quickly scribbled down before I passed the note back to Anne. She passed it back seconds later.
“Mr. Parker’s too old.”
I bit my bottom lip. That was exactly why he was so attractive; I got hot for an older man. I got hot for him and I quickly wrote my thoughts down.
“I bet he knows what to do with his c—”
I hesitated writing the last word. I was getting wet just thinking about writing a fucking four-letter word. It shouldn’t have been a big deal – writing down the word “cock”. What was I getting so worked up over? My classmates reading the note? Or worse, Mr. Parker?
Cock. Cock. Cock.
Cock. Cock. Cock.
See, I could say the word in my mind over and over again. Why couldn’t I just write the damn thing down?
Cock. Cock. Cock.
Oh, God. My tongue definitely needed to be drowned in holy water.
“I bet he knows what to do with his cock.” I quickly passed the note, letting out a sigh of relief that I finally wrote the damn word down.
Jane – 1. Cock – 0.
“You’re crazy. He’s a teacher. You’ll be a virgin forever. He’ll never touch you.”
I pursed my lips when I read Anne’s note. I didn’t want to admit it, but the note stung, especially since I’d graduate next week and never see him again. It hurt because it was true. There was no way someone as gorgeous, smart, and experienced as Mr. Parker would want anything to do with an eighteen-year old Catholic school girl whose only sexual experience was with her own hand. I really was a virgin in all aspects, and the cold, harsh truth started to sink in.
How was I going to lose my virginity if I didn’t know the first thing about sex? Sure, I knew how to pleasure myself and some porn videos seemed easy enough to follow, but would the real thing be as easy to do? The only dicks I’d seen in person were my cousins’ back when our parents would make us swim naked together when we were four years old. I was a cold, lonely—and horny—virgin.
“We graduate in a week.” I passed the note to Anne, bit my lip.
Now, I was just writing down random things in the hopes that she wouldn’t see right through me and realize how affected I was by what she’d just said.
“He’ll never touch you.”
It stung, really. I’d been crushing hard on Mr. Parker since the start of the school year and now it was almost over. What would I do when I couldn’t see him every day?
“He’s hot.”
“You ARE crazy. There’s no way you’re having sex with a teacher.”
My reply to her was easy, and the truth. “I don’t want anyone else. He’s the one who’s going to take my virginity.”
Making it happen was impossible.
My jaw dropped to the floor when I saw Mr. Parker walking towards me. Was my deepest fantasy finally coming true? Of course not. Before I knew it, he took the notes in my hands and skimmed through them.
Oh. My. God.
I glanced at Anne and her cheeks were as red as her hair. She hadn’t been the one who’d written all those things in the notes. She wasn’t the one who was going to be in trouble. I was.
This was the perfect time for the floor to open and swallow me whole. This would be social suicide – my classmates finding out I wanted to fuck my teacher. Telling Anne in a note was one thing, but this? God, I’d never live it down.
I didn’t even want to think about what my parents would say when I was sent to the office. They were absent most, if not all the time, and only seemed to care when it was to reprimand or ground me. I spent about half the school year living with the maid as they travelled Europe, or Africa, or wherever the hell they were now. Knowing I wanted to have sex with a teacher would make them freak.
I closed my eyes and waited for him to read it aloud like he usually did when he caught us passing notes.
Holding my breath, I looked up at him through my lashes.
His dark eyes were pinned to mine as he read the note. “Can’t wait to be done with school. No more uniforms,” he said, his voice loud for all to hear as he walked back to the front of the room.
I whipped my head up when those words came out of his mouth. He read it, knew the truth and didn’t give me away?
I was safe from my classmates, but not from him. The way he looked at me curiously was a dead giveaway. I couldn’t read him though, and it was freaking me out and exciting me at the same time. He knew how much I wanted him now. He knew! But he looked emotionless. Was he disgusted or infuriated? Was he even shocked, or was this a common occurrence with his students? Would he send me to the principal’s office?
