spot the deliberate mistake . . . she doesn’t belong, for a start, a modern picture like that . . .
HAROLD You’re not wrong, you’re right.
LANDOLF But here’s the thing—it’s only a mistake if you think of them as portraits.
BERTOLD Which is what they are.
LANDOLF They are and they aren’t. To Himself, seeing as he never touches them—
BERTOLD So what are they to him?
LANDOLF This is just my theory but I bet I’m right—to him they’re more like representations of—what you’d see in a mirror. That one is him just as he is, same clothes, in this throne room, which is right in every detail, no surprises. If it was a mirror, you’d see yourself in the eleventh century. So that’s what he sees. Himself. So it’s like mirrors reflecting back a world which comes to life in them, like it will for you, you’ll see, don’t worry.
BERTOLD Don’t worry?
HAROLD It’s a laugh.
BERTOLD So how did you get to be so into it . . . ?
LANDOLF Over nine hundred years of experience.
ORDULF Take your cue from us.
BERTOLD What about her—the Emperor’s wife?
HAROLD Not at all. His wife is Bertha of Susa, sister of Amadeus II of Savoy.
ORDULF He can’t stand her. He wants to dump her. He likes being one of the lads, like us.
LANDOLF (indicating portrait) That’s his sworn enemy—Matilda, the Countess of Tuscany.
HAROLD The one who put the Pope up.
LANDOLF At Canossa.
ORDULF Pope Gregory VII. We hate him. (a bell tolls) You’re on. Go out there an unknown, come back a star. Let’s go.
They brace themselves to go “onstage,” move to exit, but GIOVANNI enters, in modern dress.
GIOVANNI (hurried and anxious) Hey . . . psst—Franco! Lolo!
HAROLD What’s up?
BERTOLD Hey. What’s he doing here?
LANDOLF Wrong century—get out!
ORDULF Get thee hence!—emissary of Gregory VII!
HAROLD Be gone!
GIOVANNI Leave off!
ORDULF ’Tis forbidden!
HAROLD This be sorcery!
LANDOLF (to Bertold) A spirit conjured up by the Wizard of Rome! Quick, draw your sword.
GIOVANNI (yelling) Stop taking the piss. The young Count has arrived . . . with a party . . .
LANDOLF Ah! Great! Any women?
ORDULF Good-looking?
GIOVANNI There’s two gentlemen.
HAROLD What about the women?
GIOVANNI The Countess and her daughter.
LANDOLF (surprised) Oh!—how come?
ORDULF The Countess?
GIOVANNI That’s right—the Countess.
LANDOLF (to Bertold) Her daughter is engaged to the young Count.
HAROLD And the men?
GIOVANNI I don’t know them.
HAROLD (to Bertold) A bit of content.
ORDULF Messengers from the Pope—this is more like it.
GIOVANNI Will you let me tell you?
HAROLD Go on, then.
GIOVANNI I think one’s a doctor.
LANDOLF Oh, right, another doctor.
HAROLD (to Bertold) You brought us luck!
LANDOLF Watch us work the doctor.
BERTOLD I think I’m out of my depth.
GIOVANNI Listen—they want to come in.
LANDOLF Here? She can’t come in here.
HAROLD Now that’s what I’d call content.
LANDOLF We’d have a real tragedy on our hands.
BERTOLD Why’s that?
ORDULF (pointing at the portrait) It’s her, don’t you see?
HAROLD What do they want in here?
ORDULF If Himself sees her he’ll blow his lid.
LANDOLF That’s if he still knows her.
GIOVANNI If he wakes up, you’re to keep him out.
ORDULF Oh, easy!—and how’re we supposed to do that?
GIOVANNI Bloody hell—use force if you have to. I’ve been told—get on with it.
HAROLD He could already be awake.
ORDULF Let’s go.
LANDOLF Tell us later what’s going on.
GIOVANNI Lock the door and take the key out.
Landolf, Harold, Ordulf, and Bertold leave. DI NOLLI comes in.
DI NOLLI All clear?
GIOVANNI Yes, my lord.
Di Nolli exits for a moment to invite
