walks in, shrugging off his jacket, earlier than expected. Our eyes lock for a second and I know he’s heard the news about the door to door enquiries, probably ten different versions from every patient he’s seen today. The doctor’s surgery is a great place for gossip; there’s nothing people love more than offloading their woes in a quiet little room. I’ve been a tiny bit tense all evening, waiting to see if they knock on our door. I’ve got long sleeves on, just in case, although I know that’s not what Madeline Shaw will be looking for. Domestics don’t seem to concern the constabulary these days. If they ever really did.
Finn wraps his arms around Jack’s leg, hangs there like a small monkey, his feet suspended just above our shiny dining-room floor. His socks don’t match: tiny elephants wave at red and blue stripes. Harry emerges as I’m plating up, blinking as though he’s just made his way from a dark cave, which judging by the state of his bedroom last time I popped my head in, he probably has.
‘How was your day, darling?’ I ask Jack, keeping my voice light with an edge of warning: yes, I’ve heard too, don’t bring anything up right now. We’re trying not to talk about Clare Edwards in front of Sophie and Finn. They know now, of course – the school told them all this morning, the kiddie version, one classroom at a time, but they don’t really understand. We all got a text message about it; the new way of communicating with parents, or so it seems. Your child’s well-being is of the utmost importance to us, it said. Well that’s good to know, I thought.
Sophie is mainly sad about the buttercup field, as she calls Sorrow’s Meadow – we used to go there a lot on Saturdays, especially when she was younger. She liked to test us all, hold the flowers underneath our chins, reveal our culinary appetites. I’ve got a photograph of her with a buttercup crown twisted into her hair, smiling up at the camera – it used to be on the mantelpiece but I took it down before I went to bed last night. She looked too vulnerable, it made my head spin. Clare was someone’s daughter too. Well, she was Rachel’s. Beautiful Rachel Edwards. Perfect Rachel who thinks too highly of herself to ever attend our book clubs or wine evenings. The thought pops into my head before I can stop it, and I chastise myself. That happens sometimes.
‘It was fine,’ Jack says, going to the fridge. His eyes flick to the window, but the Edwards’ curtains are closed tonight, the wine bottles hidden from view. I watch as he takes a brown bottle of beer from the side door, flicks off the top. It skitters across the work surface and I close my fingers around it before he can.
‘Can I have—’ Harry says, and I shake my head before he can finish the sentence.
‘Not tonight, Harry,’ I say, ‘it’s a school night.’ We – or rather Jack – lets him have a beer sometimes, on special occasions only. I’m keen to keep it that way.
‘How many people did you make better today, Daddy?’ Finn asks, back in his seat at the table, head tilted back, trying to balance his dessert spoon on his nose. He fails; it clatters onto the table, clanging against his plate. Harry rolls his eyes.
Jack laughs, but it’s mechanical, practised; it’s not the warm chuckle he had when we met. It makes my stomach churn. ‘Ooh, about five today. Careful with that spoon, buddy. You don’t want to end up with bogeys in your pudding, do you?’ He sniffs the air. ‘Smells like Mummy’s made apple pie.’
Of course I’ve made apple pie: it’s Wednesday. God forbid I went off-piste.
Jack smiles at me. I smile back.
Sophie slides into the room, her socked feet skidding on the wooden floor. White with frills, matching. At least something’s gone right. Her hands grab my waist and I lay my palm on her curly head.
‘Careful, missy. We don’t want any accidents. Have you washed your hands for dinner?’
Jack is religious about hygiene – we wash hands before and after eating, anti-bacterial gels dot the house. I flout the rules occasionally, but he’s right about the children.
Sophie runs her hands under the tap as I finish serving up our meal – shepherd’s pie with a side of green beans. Finn makes a face. Jack swigs his beer. The bottle’s half empty already; I catch Harry eyeing it longingly.
‘Beans are good for you,’ Jack says, pre-empting Finn’s complaint, and I breathe a sigh of relief. I am too tired to take this one on today. I need to save my energy for later, for when the children have gone to bed.
I want to ask Harry what they’ve said at the secondary school, how they’re dealing with Clare’s death, how he is dealing with it, but he’s eating his dinner in near silence, one eye on his phone which sits on the table alongside us all.
‘Shall I set a place for your iPhone next time?’ I ask him when it vibrates yet again, the words coming out more snappily than I meant them. Jack frowns but Harry barely reacts, and somehow, it’s worse than a retort. Since when have I become invisible?
‘Harry,’ Jack says, and finally our son looks up. ‘Do as your mother says – no phones at the table please, mate.’
He slips it into the pocket of his trousers, but not before I see another eye roll. I feel a little bubble of frustration, then remember that Rachel Edwards will never see her daughter roll her eyes at her again. The thought silences me, and for a moment I lose myself, thinking of next door.
The food tastes funny in my mouth; no matter how hard I try, I’m not a good cook. Forks scrape rhythmically across the plates, white china from our wedding. I don’t believe in saving things for special occasions, everything gets lumped in together in this house. Besides, I’m not sure our wedding is really something to celebrate any more. It doesn’t feel much like it to me.
‘Jane?’ Jack is looking at me strangely, his eyes narrowed. ‘Did you hear what Sophie said?’
‘Hmm?’
Looking across at my daughter, I see her blue eyes are milky with tears. My heart drops.
‘What’s the matter, darling?’
Sophie whispers something, so soft that I can’t hear it. Her head is bowed now, the ends of her curls dangerously close to the whipped peaks of mashed potato. I frown.
‘Sophie?’
‘A boy at school said there’s a monster in the buttercup field,’ she says, louder this time. Her little voice breaks, turns into a sob. ‘He said he’s been let out and he’s coming back to get me.’
It’s at that moment that the doorbell rings.
Jack and I go together, a united front, leaving Harry to put the television on for Sophie and Finn. I gesture to him to go into the back lounge, away from the front door. My heart’s racing; I didn’t even hear the car pull up.
DS Madeline Shaw has dark blonde hair that looks like it might grey soon, and lines on her face that suggest she doesn’t bother with the rituals I subject my own skin to every night. Cleanse, tone, moisturise. Repeat ad infinitum, Mrs Goodwin. There’s a younger woman with her, someone I’ve never seen before.
‘Mr and Mrs Goodwin,’ Madeline says, ‘sorry to disturb your evening. This is DS Lorna Campbell from Chelmsford Police.’ She gestures to her colleague and I extend my hand, careful to keep my arms covered. The latest bruises aren’t a pretty sight. I can see Jack watching me, and I want to scream at him that the police have got bigger things to worry about than a less-than-perfect couple. They’ve got a dead girl,
