the king choice.
It’s only Calum Ian and Duncan who’ve stayed true to their old home. This gets me the big envy sometimes, when I think of my old home, abandoned.
Alex and I sit on the swings for a bit, eating rice crackers with mango chutney spread on top.
The wind mushes the water in the bay, and the sun makes the mush glittery. The wrecked trawler out on the rocks of Snuasamul looks like the world’s biggest whale. I hold it between finger and thumb. It’s tiny.
Alex: ‘Do you think there’s a ghost on that ship?’
Me: ‘As usual – too much imagination.’
Alex goes back to nibbling his cracker. He frowns at his chutney then says, ‘Don’t want more of this. If you eat the same thing over and over you get a heart attack.’
‘Who says?’
‘No one. I just think it.’
‘Well you shouldn’t think it. It’s crazy! That’s only if you eat too many chips and you get a fat arse and you smoke. If this isn’t you, don’t worry.’
He still looks worried, though, so I decide we need to do something brave, just the two of us.
First of all, I command us in getting an offering. We pick some of the flowers we don’t know the names of, plus dandelions from the grass strip by the History Centre.
Then we go bit by bit closer to the side entrance of the big kids’ school.
No one likes going here. They made it different to the little kids’ school because of who they put in it.
It takes a while to get our confidence up: so we kick the rainbow-painted stones along the pathway, then run up and down the slopey concrete.
After that we go in.
The wind goes in first, fluttering leaves and bits of paper by the door. There’s broken glass outside one room. Dirty black stuff in spots trailing up along the corridor. On both walls are the message boards. Some of the paper displays have come down. I hold one up: there’s a bit at the top called ‘Our Wall of Achievement’, but the bit underneath has fallen away, so there’s nothing. I think this is kind of funny in a dark way, but Alex doesn’t.
He walks ahead of me, trying not to step on the black spots, or the rubbish.
He’s looking at me for braveness, but I don’t feel massively brave without Elizabeth.
Going through double doors, there’s another corridor. Skylights making it go bright, dark, bright. A broken window inside one classroom: maybe a bird hit it, or the MacNeil brothers throwing stones again? Rows of posters about bullying, some about road safety, some about littering. Along the corridor on brightly-coloured card, with a wiggly blue border, are the pictures of all the kids who went to school last year.
I’m there, in P4, alongside Duncan. Elizabeth is in P7. Calum Ian’s in P6. Alex, only in P2. We didn’t really know each other then, but we do now, for sure.
There’s a short bit outdoors between our school and the big school. We get to the playground. It’s marked up and ready for games: basket- and netball. The hill rising away behind, the rocks going silver with sun.
It’s like going underwater. We put on our nose-clips, wait behind the door. Then I count to ten and go in.
Top corridor, heading to the gallery above the gym.
We put our perfume-hankies over our faces.
Going inside we hear a noise like the world’s biggest bee. Millions of the world’s biggest bees.
I run forward, and throw our flowers onto the dried and drying pile of old flowers – then we get out fast.
As the door slams I hear the flies buzzing up into the air. They’re down in the gym. The noise is giant.
Back outside I smell myself for the stink that stays. It feels like we got away with it, just.
Elizabeth started the offerings. But she doesn’t always like us doing it on our own, in case the dead down there make us sick. Still, I figure as long as we stay up in the gallery, run in and out, we’ll be fine.
Alex doesn’t look too much happier now that we’ve done a brave thing. His hands shake, only this time I don’t think he needs food, or medicine, just fresh air.
Leaving him outside on his own I take a minute to go back to my old real classroom.
Its windows are broken, and the floor’s wet; there’s a shelf swollen from water. Some birds must have come in, because there are new trails of bird shit everywhere.
There’s a rack with books on it. New books on it, neatly placed. ‘Can I have a book for reading practice, miss? And for Alex? He’s just started out.’
When I relax into it the teacher is there. She’s sitting down, reading her own book. She takes off her glasses.
‘Go on,’ she says.
I sit in my old seat. Beside me is Anne-Marie. On the other side is David. In front is Margaret-Anne, and behind, Kieran. We take it in turns to read a bit of story. The teacher says, ‘Very good: now it’s Anne-Marie.’ Then it’s my turn to read, which I do while everyone else listens. I’ve always been a good reader in English, so it’s easy, and I enjoy it and probably read longer than I should because the teacher forgets to ask me to stop.
When I can’t read any more I close my eyes. I put my ear on the desk, ignoring the floor-noise, and try to hear them. I listen hard. Usually someone sniffing, or making a cough, or the sound when they move, a chair grating, a book opening, a pencil-scritch, anything.
But there’s just the wind.
Sometimes the quiet gets on your nerves. You can hear the whistle in your ears. The dogs and sheep are turned to dinosaurs. When it gets bad we turn on the CD player and listen to music. It’s one reason we collect batteries. The MacNeil brothers I’ve heard tooting car horns for the same reason, and once I stood beside the War Memorial above Nasg and screamed just to be rid of it.
I get up, walk around the class. Some of my art is still on the wall from last autumn. Paintings of what our summer holidays were going to be this year. We were going to Glasgow, me and Mum, then on to a big water park in England which had blue and red slides, and a kids’ club and face-painting, and bikes and lakes and all sorts of fun.
So this is what my painting shows: a water park in a forest. Except I never saw it in the end.
Alex looks fed up with me when I get back outside.
Alex: ‘You leaved me alone.’
Me: ‘You look like you’re facing your worst enemy.’
Alex: ‘A dog came and sniffed me. At least the dogs remembered to be my friend.’
Me: ‘Was it in a pack? Was it a collie? Remember Elizabeth told us to stay back from them.’
Alex: ‘Wasn’t.’
We
