does she feel? I see her in my dreams every day. All in white clothes she approaches and sits next to me and, without saying a word, looks in my eyes for a long time. Tell me about her health. Mom, mom, from how many bad thoughts she saved me here.
Dad, do not burn up. Fate seems to be like that. You will not leave it. People like me are a lot here. The boys died no less. I’m not going to get out of the hospital soon. If I had been blind from birth, I have been so offended. It is hard to lose the white light in the night alone and plunge into the darkness. It is very difficult…
Goodbye, Dad. Say hello to my mother and brothers. Let Rashid-aka write me a letter in his free time.
Abduvahid.
September 13, 1982
My heart cried. And the younger brothers, not knowing anything, slept peacefully.
I sat for a long time like this. Thousands of thoughts revolved in my head. I cursed those who taught my brother. I powerlessly squeezed my fists, ready to break them into pieces. When my gaze fell on my sister, her hands were stretching up on their own, and I smoothed her confused hair. It seemed that her little face, her hair, her bracelets rejuvenated in my dark heart tenderness, love for family, for people. I felt like I was born again. Small care and worries gradually left me, giving way to those that were now the main ones.
Three days later my father came back. In his hands was knot with belongings of mother. Taking breath, he looked at us sadly, breathed hard. Gulnoz quietly clung to him. We were all looking forward to my father’s words.
– The mother greeted you all. She will recover soon and come. She asked to transmit that they would not joke and live together before her return, – finally, he said, glossing the hair of Gulnoz. As if only waiting for these few words, the younger brothers calmed down and stood up. Children cannot live in anxiety for a long time. There were my father, I and my sister. Gulnoz, rubbing her father’s beard, asked:
– Mommy has gone far?
The wrinkles on my father’s face became even deeper. The cheeks struck, and he, trying to cope with the trembling voice, said:
– Yes, she went far away. She will come, my daughter, your mother will come. I was upset by my father’s mood:
– Diagnosis is determined?
– Yes, my son. It seems to be a long time. Did you write a letter to your brother?
– I wrote.
Here is the whole conversation.
But I felt that my father was not agreeing. By nature, he is a determined man, not a talkative. I never put my concerns on other people’s shoulders. I had to wait for him to say something.
My father suffered from insomnia. At night he wandered around the house, and during the day he went to the camouflage and only rotated in the dark. This lasted a week. Then he crowd together and in the morning twilight he set feet on the path.
– I will go to your mom, – he said.
This time he was in Tashkent for a long time. I was walking alone, not knowing what to think. My heart is drawn there, but I won’t leave the kids alone. I had to wait. The father came home late at night, tired, with a grown jaw:
– I am tired, my children, I will sleep a little, – he said, asking for a bed for him. He came and immediately fell asleep. I didn’t close my eyes all night, I couldn’t find a place.
In the morning after tea, my father said to me:
– Son, next week you will sit next to Mom’s bed. She is now being watched by Shafoat.
Only now I realized that the situation is very difficult.
I write about those days and my heart breaks out of my chest. Life has severely punished us. I don’t know what sins. Next to me are my brothers, a sister, one smaller than the other, in the army, crippled Abduvahid, my mother is in the hospital. Black days fell on my father’s old age. There seemed to be no sorrow in the world that did not fall on our family.
In the morning I went on the way. The first person I saw in the hospital was sister Shafoat. During that time, she became old, sad. I called her. Looking around confusedly, she finally found me, looked at me and did not recognize. A moment of her sad look slipped on my face:
– Rashid, my dear, is it you? She finally cried out and ran to me. She cried for a long time, hiding her face on my chest. Then she took herself into her hands:
– My mom is bad, so bad. I just don’t know what to do, – she said, the tears flowed on her cheeks.
We entered the chamber together. My sister wiped her tears quickly. My heart was beating, it seemed, now, something terrible, irreparable was about to happen. My mother’s eyes were tied to the door. I quickly approached her. Her pale face turned to my side. For a moment she looked at me:
– Oh my dear, you have come! How could I not recognize you, – she said, trying to get up from bed. I fell on my knees in front of her. She grabbed my head, began greedy kissing my face, my eyes.
– I was like that, son. How are you there without me? The kids, probably, were completely tormented? – she asked with a chilling voice. I calmed her. Shafoat was sitting on the side with her head down, her shoulders trembled…
My mother cuddled another. In those few days she has completely changed. Her face was slightly different from the color of her clothes. The voice seemed to come from somewhere deep. She asked about Vahid. Then she closed her eyes and whispered rather than spoke:
– He dreams of me every day. He calls me for help. I hear his voice, but I cannot find him. If only my son was healthy. Was there no letter from him? – she opened her eyes and looked closely at me.
– The letter has arrived. It was brought yesterday. He sends greetings to everyone. Soon, he said, he will come, – I hurried out.
– How soon he will come, – she was surprised, because three months and thirteen days before his arrival!
– For holiday, for good service, – the commander permitted.
When she heard it, my mother thought for a long time. Without closing her eyes, she looked into the ceiling. She seemed to have forgotten about me, and her heart felt deceived. When her gaze again fell on me, she opened her eyes widely, surprisedly said:
– How are you still here? Go, my son, go on. I am better now. Go home to Shafoat.
Shafoat stood up and approached us. She has calmed down a little.
– Mom, then we will go. I’ll be back tomorrow morning, she said.
– Go on, my children. Crossing the road carefully, kiss your daughters, Shafoat, – said the mother and closed her eyes, again immersed in her thoughts.
We went out on the street. My sister cried again. I asked her with a painful heart what happened to our mother.
– The tongue does not turn to say. You and I are the eldest in the family. Our mother has blood cancer, – she said.
I didn’t understand her words, not knowing what disease was blood cancer.
– It’s
