watched us from the hiphop section with a bewildered look on his face. “Why are you two looking at each other like that?” he interrupted.
“Like what?” I said in response. I didn’t know what he was talking about. Epp didn’t even respond to Jevgeni. Instead she looked at me once more and left the store.
I exhaled.
At the start of the final week, we flew to Lapland. The bus from the airport took us over rocky hills through thick forests smelling sweetly of pine as our guides played for us joik music – the wild folk songs of the Sami people.
At a bar in little Lappish town called Inari, we danced with the local people. Later at the bar Mitch and I began toasting one another and doing shots of whiskey.
“The only sin is ignorance,” Mitch said, looking me squarely in the eye. “And missing your chance.”
All my regrets began to line up inside my head. Unable to keep the ghosts away, I collapsed on the table.
“Did you come up with that toast yourself?”
“No,” said Mitch, swallowing his whiskey. “But I think it’s appropriate.”
“Now, why the hell do you have to go and say that?” I slurred to Mitch. “Are you out to ruin my night?”
“See, I knew it was good toast,” Mitch laughed wickedly. “It gets you thinking.” At 34, Mitch was older and wiser than most of us and he was engaged.
“Fine,” I said, “No regrets.” I swallowed another hot whiskey, slammed the shot glass down on the table, and walked outside to find Epp.
Even at 11 pm, the polar sun still shone in Inari. The thick dark trees lined a cool lake that stretched out caressing dozens of islands. Epp sat on a long wooden dock that stretched out into the lake. A biplane was moored at the end and the air buzzed with fat Finnish summer mosquitoes.
As I neared her, the tiny voice surfaced again. Make babies with her, it demanded. This time, I was too consumed in the moment to even pay it attention.
I sat beside Epp. We made small talk, but I couldn’t remember our conversation. All I could do was contemplate on the force of gravity that was drawing us ever closer together.
After awhile Epp leaned towards me and pulled out a small piece of candy paper, which she folded into a miniature boat. She placed it at one side of the dock and it floated underneath to the other side, where I caught it.
“The most important thing is to trust the water,” Epp said with authority. “Always remember it when you swim; if you really trust the water, the water can never hurt you.”
I cupped the paper boat and stared at it for a moment.
“There,” Epp said, satisfied. “Now, you have to promise to keep this boat for the rest of your life. Do you promise?”
Was she joking? I looked at the paper boat again in the golden Lappish twilight, and then looked back at her. “I promise.”
Our merry group of drunken journalists streamed back to the cabins in the woods where we were staying near Inari. As I stumbled down a wooden path in the moonlight, Epp ran out of the darkness.
“I think I saw a reindeer,” she almost screamed, her eyes swimming wildly in the polar night. I could not understand, if she was just making fun of me or if she was really in trouble.
“You did?” I said, terrified. We had seen a few reindeer while we were hiking and they looked big and smelly; possibly very dangerous. I grabbed her hand: “Where should we go?”
“I don’t know,” she whispered, “maybe we should go hide behind those cabins?”
As we snuggled in the bushes behind a wooden cabin, Epp put her head against my chest. “There is a full moon out,” she said as I leaned in to kiss her.
Suddenly, something rustled in the bushes. I shot straight up. “What is that? Is the reindeer back?”
Epp burst into laughter.
“What’s so funny?”
“You are.” She laughed even harder.
I looked around in the bushes. It was midnight, but the sky was light gray. Still, I couldn’t make out any antlers in the forest.
“You know,” I said, “we could just be sitting here, and a reindeer could come!”
Epp laughed harder. “Do you want to know the secret?” she asked.
“The what?”
“The secret. The big secret! I have decided to share with you the biggest secret in the universe.”
“Tell me. What is it?” I whispered, leaning closer to hear.
“The secret is that the world is small!” Epp roared with laughter. “It’s not big!”
“That’s the secret?”
“Yes!”
“Really?”
Something rustled again in the bushes.
“Wait, are you sure there are reindeer out here?”
“Oh yes, definitely. Reindeer with big, sharp antlers!” Epp rolled in the bushes laughing.
I grabbed her arms and leaned in closer. As I did, I noticed how high her cheekbones were. In the moonlight, I caught myself wondering if there really was Asian blood running in her veins. Estonian? More like Mongolian.
Before I came to Finland, I had spent the summer watching old James Bond films. I relished the way James used his sexual prowess to get his way with dangerous women. “Sean Connery’s got his act together,” I thought to myself while watching Goldfinger alone late one night. “Pussy Galore is no match for him.”
But the morning after hiding from the reindeer behind the cabins in Inari, I walked nervously into the breakfast room and spied Epp from across the table. Her eyes locked with mine. I nearly spilled my morning coffee. At first, she looked as confused as I did. Then she winked at me. I turned and sat down at a distant table. Where was my inner James Bond in these moments?
“Sometimes I feel that she is sensitive and beautiful,” I told my journal. “Her love is a center of gravity; a home. But other times it just seems too strong. It scares me.”
For the rest of our Lapland trip, I only felt clumsy around Epp. I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I didn’t want to sit next to her, lest I feed Matjaz’s lascivious rumor mill. During our flight from Lapland back to Helsinki, Epp didn’t even sit next to me. She chatted up Jevgeni at the front of the plane instead. I sat jealously in the back, all alone, listening to music. I was on my own at last; a sad individual.
The days continued to drip by in pastels of northern summer twilight and beer. At our farewell dinner in Helsinki – held at a restaurant on an island in the harbor – I decided to sit across from Epp at the
